I
have so many people in my life that I adore; friends, family, teachers. And, at different points in my life,
each one has proven to me over and over that they adore me as well, which has
been for me, the true indicator that life is worth living.
These
are my reflections over the past few days:
Before
Wednesday I was going through an existential crisis. “Who am I?” “Why am I here?” “What’s my purpose in this
life?” the typical questions travelers and non-travel alike may ask them every
once in a while. Well, my while
was last week. I was suddenly
faced with some very important questions that I had very little time to answer. I suddenly felt lonely, confused,
scared and just completely at a loss for how to move forward. I felt as though whether I stayed or
went, I would not be able to feel secure within myself. It was a very important and revealing
point for me, one that I have come back to again and again over the years; one
that every yogi speaks about. No
matter where I am, there I am. I
cannot get away from myself or run to a new me. I have to stop and embrace myself where I am. Sometimes it takes a moment of utter
hopelessness before I can rediscover the true joy and freedom of living my
life. It also takes amazing
friends to offer me the support I need to make a good decision. Only when I felt safe knowing that I
can be somewhere else did I have the confidence to stay exactly where I am. As strange as it sounds, feeling wanted
and welcome gave me the strength I needed to stay right here and overcome
whatever suffering I was experiencing at the moment. I love you Susan.
This
is what I wrote in that moment when I felt my focus change:
“There
is nothing more powerful and frightening to realize that only I exist. Everything that surrounds me is my
imagination manifested. I am
sitting quietly, alone, in a hidden square rarely found by the wandering
tourist. There are locals who have
been sitting in the same place, without movement, for hours. Waiting. Waiting for what I don’t know. But they wait peacefully and with tranquility. I wonder if while their bodies remain
perfectly still and at ease their minds are chaotic like mine. The rain is tapping me awake to life
and existence. My heart has been
racing all morning with the fear that I am in the wrong place at the wrong
time. But what is it really? When I feel alone, without direction,
it’s the part of my soul that I have not embraced begging for acceptance and
peace. I am not alone. Only I exist. But I am everyone and everything. My challenge is to be here and be with myself and be
completely at peace without needing to achieve anything or conquer, prove,
realize, state anything. My
challenge is to allow my inner guru to love myself and the world that dances
around me every moment. My
constant play of observing the dance, participating in the dance and being the
dance will bring me balance between this world and the next. It is time to go within and not fear
what I will or will not find. Love
myself. Feel my body’s reaction to
my mental anguish. Observe
it. Then let it be. Then peace will flow naturally.”
I have so many people in my life that I adore; friends,
family, teachers. And, at
different points in my life, each one has proven to me over and over that they
adore me as well, which has been for me, the true indicator that life is worth
living.
These are my reflections over the past few days:
Before Wednesday I was going through an existential
crisis. “Who am I?” “Why am I
here?” “What’s my purpose in this life?” the typical questions travelers and
non-travel alike may ask them every once in a while. Well, my while was last week. I was suddenly faced with some very important questions that
I had very little time to answer.
I suddenly felt lonely, confused, scared and just completely at a loss
for how to move forward. I felt as
though whether I stayed or went, I would not be able to feel secure within
myself. It was a very important
and revealing point for me, one that I have come back to again and again over
the years; one that every yogi speaks about. No matter where I am, there I am. I cannot get away from myself or run to a new me. I have to stop and embrace myself where
I am. Sometimes it takes a moment
of utter hopelessness before I can rediscover the true joy and freedom of
living my life. It also takes
amazing friends to offer me the support I need to make a good decision. Only when I felt safe knowing that I
can be somewhere else did I have the confidence to stay exactly where I am. As strange as it sounds, feeling wanted
and welcome gave me the strength I needed to stay right here and overcome
whatever suffering I was experiencing at the moment. I love you Susan.
This is what I wrote in that moment when I felt my focus change:
“There is nothing more powerful and frightening to realize
that only I exist. Everything that
surrounds me is my imagination manifested. I am sitting quietly, alone, in a hidden square rarely found
by the wandering tourist. There
are locals who have been sitting in the same place, without movement, for
hours. Waiting. Waiting for what I don’t know. But they wait peacefully and with
tranquility. I wonder if while
their bodies remain perfectly still and at ease their minds are chaotic like
mine. The rain is tapping me awake
to life and existence. My heart
has been racing all morning with the fear that I am in the wrong place at the
wrong time. But what is it
really? When I feel alone, without
direction, it’s the part of my soul that I have not embraced begging for
acceptance and peace. I am not
alone. Only I exist. But I am everyone and everything. My challenge is to be here and be with
myself and be completely at peace without needing to achieve anything or
conquer, prove, realize, state anything.
My challenge is to allow my inner guru to love myself and the world that
dances around me every moment. My
constant play of observing the dance, participating in the dance and being the
dance will bring me balance between this world and the next. It is time to go within and not fear
what I will or will not find. Love
myself. Feel my body’s reaction to
my mental anguish. Observe
it. Then let it be. Then peace will flow naturally.”
So after being in the square for hours sitting with myself,
my thoughts, emotions, fears, attachments, cravings, desires, loneliness, I suddenly
felt pure joy. I began to walk and
within minutes, things began to unfold for me. When I lost faith in life and “coincidences” and “chance”
moments and “meant to be”, it lost faith in me and left me empty. But now I re-embraced it as it
re-embraced me.
