Poor,daily wage worker family invited me to dinner.Actually,2 families.2 sisters,their husbands and 6 small children and a 13 year old niece to tend for the children,while the 4 parents work.Their home consists of a single concrete hut,small,dark,1 bare light bulb hangs over head.1 large,semi-broken chair,small kerosene stove,on the floor and a small stool..1 small "bed",consisting of a raised sheet of plywood,covered by a thread bare sheet.Strangely,to me,there were no toys in sight.turns out,the children's toys were what ever they could lay their hands on.Plate,cup,tool,knife,these were the toys of the poor kids.Popsycle stick,with a napkin tied around it became a doll.
We had dal, chicken,and rice for dinner.They insisted I sit in the only chair,as the others sat around,on the rough,concrete floor.Given a monster helping of rice,I begged some rice to be removed from my plate,which made the others wonder about my disinterest for not eating"lots of rice".(I found this to be a concern of my Indian friends for years to come,me,not eating lots of rice.:)I was given a fork and spoon,while my hosts ate with their fingers.
After finishing my plate of Rice and chicken,with some satisfaction I handed my plate to the host wife,..she and her siser at once began to chew on the grizzle and scraps I carelessly left on the bones....I was quite embarassed...I was then brought beer,and invited to stay the night.I agreed.Of course,it was insisted I sleep on the "bed"while all others lay on a mat,on the floor.At 1 AM,I was entertained to the sounds of love making from the darkness close by.
Dispite the poverty,the family invited me into their home,gave me dinner,beer,the best chair/bed to use and they asked for nothing...I have already had interaction with the Goan middle class,and they continue to try to rip me off or cheat me,at every chance..
TWO nights in a row!.I am invited to nieghbor's 21 year old daughters B-day party.Dinner and cake.All of the relatives were there and it was quite nice.It helped that 4 collage age women were in attendance too.This family,being middle class,thought of ways I could help the family.
One week later,I was approached to start dating one of the 20ish women.which one?..Take my pick!This too,incourageing me to date the young women of various families happened alot.Not for sex,mind you,but for marriage.
Of course one man,a bar owner, did tell me his 13 and 15 year old daughters would visit me often,if I rented a flat from him.He told me these details,as we walked down a residential road to his house/flat...As we walked,he had has arm around the neck of his 13 year old daughter,hand firmly grabbing her breast,...I broke off all contact with this man after that.Simply,I didn't want such a bastard man/family so close to me.
To travel and live in India,you must harden but open your Heart.Yes,a contradiction of terms.You must accept the suffering and poverty,realize there is nothing you can do about it,but look for ways you can make one person or one family's life easier and better.This is how I can sleep at night and not go a bit crazy from what I see,feel and do..
I think I understand why I have been crying lately.It's the poverty.The poverty is all around me.I cannot escape it.I try,but I can not ignore it.The poverty does not overwhelm me but it seems to engulf me.It is affecting me in many,many ways.Tears from Nowhere...I am not depressed but to see such struggle and heartbreak.....My God,thats it!!...Maybe this describes India,...
"Tears From Nowhere,A Strong Heart In Between."
Take yesterday,walking to the pay phone,I spot a crippled puppy in the road,do I pick him up and move him?.No.Do I kick him off the road?.No...Instead,I reckonize Life's Suffering and I step around him,leaving him to his Fate,and most probably the end of his suffering.Before India?.I never would have done that....(When I came back,he was out of the road.)
It is so much to bare,to see so many struggle,so many suffer,hear of so many dying.I must pick and choose what I see,.What I feel..What I do.I walk pass 30 beggers and stop for one simply because I chose to feel as I passed this person.It is all random.And the death here is random too.
I try to give back to India as India has given me so much,?I must give what I can afford,to help one family/person.I am sure I will know when I meet that person(s),I will reconize the moment...It is and will be my way of giving back to India for the insights India is shoving down my throat..
The poverty,it is not overwhelming but it is engulfing.To see so much,feel so overwhelmed and do nothing.To walk past bare foot begger kids,blind old men and women,legless,living bodies,...You can not feel it..You must not feel it..But it catches you when you least expect it.
To visit India you must have a Strong Heart.
Perhaps I wanted to test my heart,to see if it is strong.I certainly am testing my heart,my mind,my very Soul.Nothing prepares you for India...You must have a strong and compassionate heart to come here.
I did not realize India would test me so..I did come here to develop my inner soul..To grow as a person.As a man..As a gentle man.But the lessons I recieve here almost everyday stagger me...I walked away from sandy beaches and sunshine and ventured into India and to find my own piece of India...My India!..My mind has been bombarded with thoughts of suffering,thoughts of filth and pain,...And also thoughts of incredable beauty,glimpes of a strong loving spirit in the people of India...In the travelers around me..Some kind of Universal Bond of Love and Acceptance.I can not walk away from such feelings of Love...I will not...I embrace my feelings,my thoughts,and My India!
Before India,I would not have come if I knew what I was in for.I would not have felt I was strong enough for India.now that I am here,I don't know if I am strong enough for India,but I am o.k. with that.I accept it.
Now that I am here,I will find out if I am strong enough for India.The courage to walk this path is merely my acceptance of what shall be.Perhaps I will live ten years in India and not know if I am strong enough.I think often of my family,to gather strength and purpose for my journey.To gather my will to return to them.But I am in India now.And it is so important to;"Be Here Now."a famous book on Eastern thought.
Be Here Now......Here Now Be.......Now Be Here......This is India.You decide your Path.Your goals.Your Life.Maybe your death.This is India!.................Am I Strong Enough For India?.....Well.We shall see.............
