My 3rd or 4th day I start going to the beach in the early morning.Leave my AC studio,grab an oversized coffee from the nosey,polite owner and head to the beach.I am in Betalbatim,just north of Colva,Goa.The path I take leaves me away from all beach shacks by at least 100 meters/yards.I watch the fishermen drag their nets along the shoreline,the nets at least 100 meters long.
I sit.And I think of what was..I understand what is..And I dream of what might be....And I cry..Not tears of sorrow or plight.But tears of what was,is and shall be. Tears drawn up from the suffering I see all around me.
The tears run down my cheeks and drop into the dry,white,thirsty sand.But I am not unhappy.I am shocked at the poverty of India.I am overwhelmed at the sheer number of the poor around me.The bone thin children.The hideously groteous bodies of the beggers on most pathways.The smell of death as I walk the various roads.(pig,dog,people?) My visits into Margao,a city,has opened my eyes to the tremendous suffering of India's poor.And I can not get use to it.
"One of the reasons we crave Love so much and seek it so desparately,is that Love is the only cure for Loneliness;and Shame;and Sorrow.But some feelings sink so deep into your heart that only Loneliness can help you find them again..Some truths about yourself are so painful that only Shame can help you live with them...And some things are just so sad that only your Soul can do the crying for you..."
In Margao,I walk past 3 little sisters,standing in an open sewer,ankle deep,looking for sticks and cardboard,to cook the rice for their next meal,if they get one.The girls are 7,5,and 4.The sisters have been abandoned by their parents(I find out later)One little girl holds out her hand to the rich white devil walking past,(me),I simply look the other way and continue to a restro...Later,after enjoying a meal of kingfisher beer,butter chicken and nan,I am quite content..Then I see the 3 sisters walk past the restro...I burst into quiet tears...I never know when the poverty and suffering are going to overwhelm me..To make me break down..To cry over the plight of the Human Race.
This is almost a daily routine for me.Perhaps the tears are a sign of me saying goodbye to the old way of how I looked at Life.Perhaps I am saying goodbye to Me and the way I use to see the World through the eyes of Me.I am so overwhelmed by the suffering,at times,I just can't take it,it seems.But some how I do..I laugh..I cry..I am...Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Years later,talking to ex-pat friends,we all agreed,the hardest part of India was coming to personal grips with the poverty and suffering.It can really mess you up.Of course you get semi use to it,you try not to see it,and you simply ignore suffering.But it catches you when you least expect it,when you are feeling at your best.....Suddenly your heart sinks,your spirit fails,and you are engulfed in the despair that you are powerless to help.
The movie "The Razor's Edge"w/Bill Murrey,had a great telling interaction about India and a future traveler was advised;...,
"YOU CAN READ ALL OF THE BOOKS YOU WANT,BUT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THERE.''....
This is by far the best advice for any India traveler.You are going to have to go there..Read the guide books..Plot your adventure..Get on a plane..And go!...The first thing you will lose is a Plan of places to visit..Next you may start to question your values you hold dear..And finally you may walk a Path in India with a whole new persective of yourself and your World....Or you may just lose your f*cking mind............
Finally,if you venture into India,you must bring a Strong Heart....Gadgets,money,intelligence are nice to possess.But you need a Strong Heart.
A Strong Heart will come in quite handy in this place called India....... A Strong Heart!
