I don't know about your family, but I've always considered mine to be pretty close-knit. There's not too many childhood memories I have that don't involve my parents or brothers. The other family members, however, are a different story. My parents chose to bring us up close to our extended family, so I'd often see them on the weekends and holidays, of course, but I have never lived with grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins. And, for most Americans, this is normal. Some would even venture to say that I see my extended family more often than the norm. So if this is what I considered "close-knit" before coming to Thailand, then I must have had no idea what the term meant. Families in the hill tribes here live much more closely with their families than I'd ever experienced. In my Spanish and culture classes, I'd learned the stock facts of how collectivist cultures live, but seeing it still catches you off guard, even if you may know what to expect. In Aja, the Ahka tribe village we visited last week, there were four generations living under one roof. On top of that, they opened their home to seven of us, just so that we could experience how they lived their daily lives. I would guess that close to 20 people stayed under one roof that night.
The funny thing about our homestay, though, was that I couldn't tell who was who in the family. The children ran from one adult to the next, seeming equally bonded with each. Adults took turns holding the infant and swinging him in his crib. Children excitedly showed each adult their latest handicraft. Everyone helped in preparing the meals. The family life in the hill tribes is entirely communal. Each family member unquestioningly trusts the others to look after their children as if they were sharing the parenting responsibilities equally. This family was entirely different from my own or anything I have ever observed. It wasn’t only their family structure but also the dynamic. It may just have been because we were guests in their house, but I didn’t seem to notice very much open affection between family members. My brothers and I are always horsing around, and my family is always dancing around in the kitchen having a good time. It may be because the hill tribe culture is so rich with the ideals of respect that there is a line drawn between the kinds of relationships you have with your friends versus that you have with your family. Don’t get me wrong, my parents have always reiterated that they are NOT my friends, but the older I get, the more that we seem to get along and relate as friends. I still see my parents as authority figures but respect for my elders may not be viewed as staunchly as it is in the hill tribe cultures.
At any rate, the families are so different, and I’m sure that parents raise their children quite differently from the way that I was raised. I’ve heard that Thai parents don’t punish their children nearly as much. This could be a parenting preference, or possibly the children just don’t need the kind of punishments I did growing up. I think I may have been too much of a little spitfire. I remember being put in the corner for fighting with my brother. I remember getting hot sauce dripped on my tongue a couple of times for talking back. My mom tried the soap technique once, like the mom in “A Christmas Story.” That was just as awful as one could imagine, so I’m glad that was only tested once. Spankings were regular when warranted; I talked a lot in church. Maybe I was a little too rambunctious as a child, but my parents’ method of keeping me in line was normal in American society, I believe. There are always debates about spanking your child; mine did it, but it was never excessive or overly used, and it worked. At a certain point, I learned to stop fighting my parents, and I became a little less difficult. Who’s to say what perfect parenting is. From what I know and see, there is no perfect parent. People in the states have different methods, just as I’m sure there are different varieties of parenting ideas here in Thailand. From what I can observe, however, the biggest difference would have to be the publicity of the punishment. If parents discipline their children here, I certainly haven’t seen it. Children run through the markets, around my legs and, presumably, away from their parents without a single scolding. That’s not how things would have gone in my house. It may be the respectful, collectivist aspect of Thai culture that can account for this: no one wants the attention to be drawn to them or their family, particularly in a negative light. On the other hand, I’ve seen plenty of parents disciplining their children publicly in the states; people in America don’t seem to care if they get negative attention.
It would really be interesting to interview some of the staff here about their own personal family experiences. Secondhand, I know that one of the staff here, P’Kartoon, grew up in a polygamist household; she has two mothers. One is her biological mother, and the other is her father’s second wife. It is my understanding that she views each as her mother, but there is some distinction between them. She is obviously closer with her biological mother and cares for her when she is sick, but so do her half-siblings. I asked about whether or not polygamy is common in Thailand, and the responses were mixed. It seems that it is accepted differently in the city versus the rural areas. Here in the North, it seems to be more common, especially for the hill tribe people. Again, I knew that this happened around the world, but I’ve never met anyone from one of these families.
It’s really been an eye-opening experience coming here, in every way imaginable.
