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Flight of fancy

Pre-trip Jitters

CANADA | Tuesday, 10 November 2015 | Views [237]

Theres a lot of self doubt and anxiety surrounding my impending departure. What I’m doing is really going off the beaten path. I feel that at this point in my life is there is a great deal of pressure for me to settle down in a career position, stay in the same place for more than one year, find a man, get married and pop out some minitures of myself. In truth, Since the day I turned 18, I’ve never spent more than 1 year in the same home, or the same job. School has always been the exception. I have finished all the schooling I’ve started, mostly out of pure will and stubbornness, and a bit of blind hope that it will get me closer to the things I want out of life... And there's a loaded question for you. What do I want out of life?

            What do I want out of life. Well, this journey will help to fulfil one thing. I want adventure. I want the excitement that comes from standing in a new place and looking out across a sea of foreign faces, new buildings that have been there for ages. Walking along a dirt road for the first, and possible last time and breathing in air that is refreshingly cold and unusual is every way.

            I want love. This is no surprise to those who know me. I’ve been that bohemian writer from Moulin Rouge, with a ridiculous obsession with love and romance. I’ve tried to understand it. What draws me to people and what draws two people together. I haven’t got any better understanding of it now than I ever have. Sometimes I think it’s a matter of timing. Of two people looking up at the exact right moment. Or maybe it’s just chemistry. I have a tell-tale face and a transparent heart. Perhaps its also fickle though. But, that is writing for a different journal.

            I want to be surrounded by life. Living breathing, snorting and sloppy life. Nothing in the world makes me happier than to have a dogs tail wagging at my arrival. All of my immediate anxiety and fears dissipate in the presence of a furry snout with a wagging tail. Tawny used to be my favourite pillow. In the future, I would love to have more horse-like pets. But, beyond that. I mean life in all of its intricasies. I want swaying trees and catterpillars crawling over my feet. I want to watch the wild things kick up their heels in the distance and feel a part of me take off running with them.

            I want this trip to be rewarding. I want to find the poetry of my being. I want to be so overcome with the beauty of a landscape. I want to feel as if my entire family history is pulling at the roots and shouting and cheering at me from across the great divide; welcoming me home. I want to feel so connected to a physical place that tearing myself away from it seems impossible. I want the soil of the land to tattoo itself onto my heart, and give me purpose in the treading of the grass or the pulling of seasonal vegetables. I want nothing more than this trip to give me poetry and beauty, excitement and daring; love and laughter, and above all – a sense of belonging. Even momentarily. To have my breath intermingle with the sea air and whisper to me that I am home.


Also, I want to take pictures of cool stuff and put it on Instragram for all to admire.

Tags: beauty, pre-trip jitters, searching, united kingdom

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