Edinbugh

chrikide — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 23:02:00 GMT

I've been in Edinburgh for a little over a week now. I've walked around the Old and New town multiple times. And it is beautiful here. But, theres something missing. I can't explain it. The first week was unbeatable. I met a local boy on my first day here and we spent the next few days togther, pretty much inseparable. But, now we see each other only every few days and I'm full of insecurities and fears. I'm not sure if things are cooling off or whats going on. But it's starting to occur to me just how vulnerable of a position I'm in. I think I fell in love with him in the first week, which is ridiculous, logically speaking. But since when do I sit with logic? I have one other friend here and I must be driving her nuts already wth my obsessive thoughts and anxiety. Perhaps Edinburgh has proven to be a short term place and I should consider moving on and setting up in the Highlands. Perhaps Edinburgh is not meant to be my home. I may have found some work though and I'm looking for a short term rental. I've had some feed back from a few job places but nothing concrete. I haven't got an appetite due to my anxiety kicking up, so I've lost a fair amount of weight. I'm concerned about my mental health but I'm hoping it will all come right once I get a bit more settled. I'm trying to stay positive but it's my mind I can never fully escape from. On top of everything, I miss my family dreadfully. I talked briefly with my sister in law and niece yesterday. My friends are all just a short text away but I miss having people around me who know me. By bunk mate was very sweet and brought me hot chocolate in bed last night. I've pulled my hip so I've been limping around like a sad sap.

Leaving it here until I'm in better spirits.

Love,

Christine

Pre-trip Jitters

chrikide — Tue, 10 Nov 2015 11:29:00 GMT

Theres a lot of self doubt and anxiety surrounding my impending departure. What I’m doing is really going off the beaten path. I feel that at this point in my life is there is a great deal of pressure for me to settle down in a career position, stay in the same place for more than one year, find a man, get married and pop out some minitures of myself. In truth, Since the day I turned 18, I’ve never spent more than 1 year in the same home, or the same job. School has always been the exception. I have finished all the schooling I’ve started, mostly out of pure will and stubbornness, and a bit of blind hope that it will get me closer to the things I want out of life... And there's a loaded question for you. What do I want out of life?

What do I want out of life. Well, this journey will help to fulfil one thing. I want adventure. I want the excitement that comes from standing in a new place and looking out across a sea of foreign faces, new buildings that have been there for ages. Walking along a dirt road for the first, and possible last time and breathing in air that is refreshingly cold and unusual is every way.

I want love. This is no surprise to those who know me. I’ve been that bohemian writer from Moulin Rouge, with a ridiculous obsession with love and romance. I’ve tried to understand it. What draws me to people and what draws two people together. I haven’t got any better understanding of it now than I ever have. Sometimes I think it’s a matter of timing. Of two people looking up at the exact right moment. Or maybe it’s just chemistry. I have a tell-tale face and a transparent heart. Perhaps its also fickle though. But, that is writing for a different journal.

I want to be surrounded by life. Living breathing, snorting and sloppy life. Nothing in the world makes me happier than to have a dogs tail wagging at my arrival. All of my immediate anxiety and fears dissipate in the presence of a furry snout with a wagging tail. Tawny used to be my favourite pillow. In the future, I would love to have more horse-like pets. But, beyond that. I mean life in all of its intricasies. I want swaying trees and catterpillars crawling over my feet. I want to watch the wild things kick up their heels in the distance and feel a part of me take off running with them.

I want this trip to be rewarding. I want to find the poetry of my being. I want to be so overcome with the beauty of a landscape. I want to feel as if my entire family history is pulling at the roots and shouting and cheering at me from across the great divide; welcoming me home. I want to feel so connected to a physical place that tearing myself away from it seems impossible. I want the soil of the land to tattoo itself onto my heart, and give me purpose in the treading of the grass or the pulling of seasonal vegetables. I want nothing more than this trip to give me poetry and beauty, excitement and daring; love and laughter, and above all – a sense of belonging. Even momentarily. To have my breath intermingle with the sea air and whisper to me that I am home.

Also, I want to take pictures of cool stuff and put it on Instragram for all to admire.

Flight of fancy

Edinbugh

Pre-trip Jitters