chinapies

WARNING: This post contains facts (mostly), unlike other posts, which have been over-inflated reports of misdemeanours which, in their original forms, hardly qualified as newsworthy articles. However, this post contains no lies.

Ok, that was a lie. BUT, more importantly, no animals were harmed in the making of this post. Well, no animals that we know of, anyhow. I think I saw a kitten run under the wheels at one stage, but it seemed to be doing just fine.  Kind of.  I'm sure it can still catch prey with only three functional legs.... so long as the prey has three legs too. Maybe kitty can see a feline prosthetics dude or something later.

 

To begin with, I need to make an apology to you's all for taking so long to write this dang thing.  You may have noticed a couple changes.  For one, this is now hosted on a google group.  There are many reasons for this.  Google works at light speed in China.  For those that are in the techno-know, you will know why this is so, bro, so go wit da flow.  Wow, that is lame.  Must be a bit rusty.   Secondly, I can host video on this site.  However, if you work at WDC, you prob won't be able to download the videos coz WDC's firewall is almost Chinese in it's tightness.  So I recommend you check it out at home, a) if you have broadband, and b) if you can be bothered.

Humph, so to bring you up to speed.  Coz it's been a while, I'll have to chapterise this whole thang, and I'll also try to write lots to make up for my slackness.

Chapter 0 - Shout-outs

 

Gazza, good to hear about WDC goodness!  How's the two-horse race coming along?  I like ol' Newmannz comment about how the other contenders don't seem to be doin' very much, coz they're cocky about their chances, lol.  Has Paisley even put up any posters, or does he reckon he'll just shout and swear at everybody, and somehow he'll win?  Lolz0r.  Btw, this google group thing should be real good to have regular yaks on, so sorry I've been inattentive with worldnomads, it runs like a *%#&%# at the best of times, so I don't check it every day, and posting comments is paaaaiinful.  Just ensure the good Doctor doesn't post any of his *%&#@* three-chief question things on here or it'll have to disappear faster than a hotpot pork-ball in a Sichuan mall.

Paloma!  Yes, what have you gotten yourself into.  Hmm, lemme see... imagine Colorado.  Imagine all the neat things you can do there, like go to Safeway an' Chipotle an' sushi parlours an' late night movies and stuff.  Mmmmmmm.  Now imagine you could do all of those things, except your in China instead.  Still sound good?  Okay, now go a little further, and imagine that you can't actually do any of those things I mentioned before.  AND, not only that, but you can't even ask the person next to you what the time is, or where the bathroom is.  Instead, all you can say is "Wo shuo da bu hao" and point at what could be the lavatory, but is, in fact, the local market.  Welcome to Chengdu.

Annejo!  This place is awesome!  We even managed to order hotpot tonight BY OURSELVES.  Whoah.  And we're learning Chinese at a pace, man, I can even ask things like "What season is your father?" and "Is your birthday difficult?"  Man, the locals here are AWESOME :-)  We're makin' friends at a reasonable pace, so soon we will be able to do more than just dream about eating food other than gung bao jiding and mei fen.  And you can drive on the wrong side of the road and wherever you want, whenever!  I'll get to that later :-)

Er, I want to see who else has sent me messages, but worldnomads is as dead as a dodo at the moment... it's Friday night, you see, and for some reason, the internet dies on a Friday (except for google... man I shoulda thought of this aaages ago!).  It may be because the internet is flooded with people looking for remedies for hotpot after-effects.  I am one of them.  Back in five minutes.

Ok back!

Chapter 1 - A New Hope

 

BLAAAAAAAAAAbladablaaaa bladadabladadaba daaa?

Okay, sorry, that's supposed to be the opening music for Star Wars.  Flang, I must be rusty if I'm reverting to using Star Wars to be funny (which it's not).  Sorry folks.  Anyhow, I was trying to convey a sense of drama beecaaaause, I am about to inform you thaaaaat....

I bought a bicycooter.  That's right, a freakin' bicycooter.  An' boy, have we had some fun since then!  But (of course!) I have some photos of the occasion, yeeerrss, for your viewing pleasure!

 

Hey wow, I can type on the side!  Man, google groups rocks.  Anyhow, there you see fat ol' me grinning like the bad dude off Scream, watching as the shop attendants doctor the bicycooter so it doesn't have a speed govenor any more.  Notice they are looking away from the camera.  Nuff said.

If you look closely at this bad boy, you can see it has padding on the back.  This is so Lindsay does not have to sit on cold, hard tray.  Or rather, I don't have to sit on cold, hard tray, because Lindsay is a lady, and I am chivalrous.  You can tell I'm chivalrous because I bought a bicycooter with padding.  Okay, shuttup already.

Ho flang, how do I get back to a normal paragraph?  Maybe I don't.  I'll put another pic up and see wot happens.

 

Ok where the *%$#& is the cursor now?  Hmm maybe google docs doesn't rock.  This is just bizarre.  I'm gonna hit enter a lot of times to see wot happens.

 

 

 

Okay!  Yooohoo, over here now!  I think it's back to normal.... maybe.  The photo on the right shows what the store attendants are actually doing in the photo above.  I was wrong about the whole speed govenor thing, as you can see, they are actually attaching my wing mirrors.  These turned out to be completely useless (to begin with... hold fire for more story later), because they move independently of everything else.  In fact, I do believe they are most useful for oncoming bicycooter riders to check their hair.  Or, alternatively, for me to check whether I needed to clip my toenails soon.  As for traffic coming up from behind, I'll talk about this in a bit.

Hmm, lemme see wot happens when I attach another photo.  Whoah I'm now sandwiched between two photos.  The new photo is on the left, btw.  Flang, I'm not sure about this whole googlie group thing now.  Kinda hilarious, but nowhere nearly as hilarious as the expression on my face (see left).  This is an expression that says many things, for instance "I'm going to eat your children", or perhaps "I'm going to run over your kittens because I am an EVIL BICYCOOTOR, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA."  Note the way I'm clutching at my bottle?  It's as if I am trying to strangle it.  The bicycooter is taking over my brain.

Arright, time to attach another photo.  God knows where this one is gonna end up.  I'll draw some arrows if it starts gettin' weird (which it already has, but not coz of the photos, right?)

Aaaaaah, that's not too bad.  New photo has appeared left, immediately below the psychopath clutching the bottle like it's his precious...  I think I'll entitle this new photo "fat *%&#%&@# onna bicycooter".  Fitting description. 

I haven't actually said anything about how we went about purchasing THE MACHINE OF DETH.  Well, not too much of a story, except that we went back to the place where I took the photo of the mean machine in "Ode to a bicycooter".  The mean machine was a whopping 2400yuan, and it looked too nice (i.e. it was gonna be stolen in about 10 seconds flat), so we decided to get something a li'l cheaper and a li'l less flash.  This bad boy cost 1780yuan, so not too bad.  Btw, I'm starting to think in yuan now instead of NZ or USD, which is an interesting transition... you see, 2400yuan is only $320USD, but I used the adjective "whopping", which makes 2400yuan sound like a lot.  Which it is!  Er, now, anyhow.  Blah blah blah this is getting boring, back to the bicycooter.

So let me continue the saga by posting the following photo below.  The story leading up to the photo is a chronicle that needs it's own chapter.  Hold fire while I post the photo...

Flang, now I got all this white space to deal with.  Maybe I should actually write a little sonata devoted to the bicycooter.  Or how about I just press [Enter] lots until I get to a point where I can write something meaningful.

Chapter 2 - Lost!  Season 5, The Empire Strikes Back

 

I'll cut it with the Star Wars jokes from now on, promise!  The "Lost" reference is also completely unfunny, especially as I've never watched an episode from start to finish, so I have no idea what it's about except that it has the dude off "The Matrix" on it.  Meh, whatever.

Okay, so here's what happened.  We buy the bicycooter.  That'll be blahblah yuan.  Thank you very much.  Lindsay hops on the back, and we head off.  But this says very little.  By "head off", I mean straight into a pedestrian.  Even "straight" is the wrong word.  It was more like left-straight-straight-left-right-leftleftleftrightleftrightPOTHOLEleftleftrightrightPEDESTRI - flang.  Anyhow, we make it back to SNU, and it is a very happy time for everyone.  Especially those who traveled in the same lane as we did, because we are no longer in it.  I even honked at a taxi on the way back (I use the word "honk" here, because it sounds way more masculine than what the bicycooter actually does when you press the horn button.  I've spent days trying to think of analogies for the sound, and here's the latest list:

1. Mosquito with a bad case of gas (hotpot related, of course).

2. Mariah Carey in that song where she sings really high.

3. A faulty whoopie cushion.

Meh, check out the video when we upload it.  It says everything.)

About a quarter of an hour after we've arrived back at SNU, I say to Lindsay "Le's go onna another bicycooter trip!"

She goes (quite sensibly, I might add): "It's getting dark, we should eat!"

 

So we eat.

 

"Le's go onna bicycooter trip!" I say once we have devoured our gung bao jiding and sizzling rice pork (not as good as it sounds, btw).

"But it's dar - "

"Mnemenehuhemnenenemne!" I say.  This loosely translates to: "Well, true, but we won't go far, and I'll drive safely, and if anything happens, we can catch a taxi back!"

"Okay," says Lindsay.  So we head off.  Out of the North Gate.  You probably have no idea what this signifies, because I probably haven't discussed the layout of SNU yet.  Hmm, well, let me put it like this.  There are two main gates, the South and the North.  The South gate is normality, safety, and friendly restaurants with a carnival atmosphere.  Here is a pic of the daily South gate carnival that happens on a daily basis.  It appears I used daily twice in that sentence.  Anyhow, the pic:

Wow, I'm actually at the bottom of the photo now!  This was taken tonight before we hit up the hotpot restaurant.  It's been 2 hours since we ate, and I'm still sitting here typing this blog, so maybe I'll be okay tomorrow.

Anyhow, back to the story.  South gate - nice and normal.  The North gate, on the other hand... if only there were a way I could embed music so that when you read this, you heard something like "bum buum baaaam", or something like that.  Feel the tension.  The North gate is plain weird.  I'll take some photos and maybe you can see why.  Linds and I ventured out the North gate (on foot) during our first exploration of SNU many moons ago, and we got about 50 metres before it got too weird to continue.  Oh yeah, on the way back we bought a mop and some milk, but I've already told that story.

So now we were venturing out the North gate, but this time, on a good-ol', safe-as-houses bicycooter!  It's safer on a bicycooter because, although it may look like it has a mere basket on the front, the basket is actually the equivalent of outback-strength bull bars.  i.e. Mean.  i.e. Nasty.  And it can carry stuff.  Cool.  Don't you want a bicycooter?  Yeeesss, I think you do, don't you?  Well git your flang-dang beady eyes offa mine!

Back to the North gate.  Somehow we travel back in time, and we're riding down some street with houses that look about a thousand years old.  It's quite likely that they are a thousand years old.  We turn around.  Now we're at some sort of bazaar, only it's the main entrance to the North gate.  And I mean the bazaar is on the actual entrance, not like on either side or something.  Any vehicle wanting to get in has to buy some candy floss and rat-onna-stick in order to pass.  Kinda handy really, if you think about it... what better way to make money than to stop cars on a road and solicit money from them?  And if you can eliminate vermin too, all the better!

We turn right, and keep going.  This is where things go wrong.  Somewhere along the way, I make a turn.  I don't remember where or why, and neither does Lindsay.  You know in horror movies, when the hero would do something dumb like turn left down some corridor, and you, the viewer, knew full well that the re-animated corpse of Michael Jackson or whatever was waiting nearby, and you think "What an idiot!  Don't turn left!  What kind of a dumbass turns left?"... you know what I'm talking about?  Well now I don't think the hero is a dumbass, coz it's very probable.  You see, I made a turn, and we were *&^$#%ed.

 

Twenty minutes have passed, and we decide to turn around.  It's been a pleasant journey traveling against the traffic down the Chinese equivalent of the motorway on the bicycooter (yes you read that right, we were on the motorway, complete with slow, medium and fast lanes... and bicycooter lane.  In the bicycooter lane, you can travel in either direction.  I kid you not.  Tip: at night, keep your lights on.).  

Chapter 3 - Two *%#&*%# hours later...

 

 Zhong Lai has had a hard day.  He's standing there, smoking a cigarette, waiting for something to happen tonight that will help him feel better about the impending weekend.

"Head into town?" he asks Hu.  Hu too has also had a hard day, working at the cement factory.  Not nice, but it pays the bills.

"No, not yet," Hu replies.  "Cheng said he'd meet us here at 9, and it's just on, so let's wait a couple - "

"Excuse me octopus bus," comes this voice out of nowhere.  Both Hu and Zhong turn.  Two foreigners are there, and - can you believe it - they're both riding on a bicycooter!  They're not meant to have two people on them, let alone a fat-ass foreigner like the one steering the thing!  

"Sister octopus working hard?" says the fat-ass.

Hu and Zhong look at each other.  "What the heck did he just say?" Hu asks, perplexed.

Zhong shrugs.  "Sounds like he's hungry.  But what does your sister have to do with it?"

The female foreigner speaks: "Excuse me, we look for Sichuan Normal University."

"Hmm, her pronunciation is terrible," Hu says to Zhong, "but at least we can understand what she's saying."  He turns to the female. "I'm sorry ma'am, but we have no idea where SNU is."

The female communicates with the male.  The male grins.  "Who is The City of A Hundred Flowers with you," he says, and they turn and ride away.

A minute passes.

"Why are they driving away," Zhong asks at last, breaking the silence, "when they have a tyre that is flatter than an overcooked egg fu yong?"

Chapter 4 - Okay this is turning into a long post.  I'll stop shortly.

 

Let me re-direct your attention to the last picture posted.  I reproduce it here again for your convenience.

I'd like to point out a few things, for your information.  1) I am climbing into a tuk-tuk.  2) I am climbing into the tuk-tuk by climbing over the bicycooter.  3) Lindsay is taking the picture, and has not climbed into the tuk-tuk.  4) A normal tuk-tuk can barely fit one reasonably-sized foreigner, let alone two foreigners - one of whom is not reasonably-sized - and a 60-kilo bicycooter.

Fifteen minutes later and we were at this place.  Our wallets were also 15yuan lighter, not bad considering the cargo this guy had to carry.  Flang.  Woops, sorry, here's the picture:

This is a bicycooter repair shop.  That is the bicycooter with it's puncture being repaired.  Cost: 2yuan.  Being able to ride without the embarrassment of being tuk-tuk cargo: priceless.  This place is awesome.  So we're mobile again... but where the heck do we go?

"Chuan si da?" we ask these people.  Chuan si da is an abbreviation for Sichuan Sifon Dashue, or Sichuan Normal University.  They point down the road, and we're off!  Woohoo!  We're heading home!  Only.... not.

SNU has two campuses, separate by quite a few miles.  There is the main campus where we live, which is south-east Chengdu, and then there is the eastern campus, where we don't live.  Guess which one we turned up at.  Gee, now who's well and truly lost as *^&^%$#$%^.  AT LAST, however, there was a saving grace... we run into someone who can barely speak English!  Okay while saying something like that in NZ would be an insult, in China it's like the biggest relief ever, trust me!  Which way to SNU's main campus? we ask.  The dude laughs.  You have to catch the bus there, he says, and next one leaves tomorrow morning.  But we have a bicycooter, we say.  Oh, that changes everything, he replies.  Just ride in that direction for the next 300 years and you'll get there.  

 

And off we go.

 

We get to the North gate 25 minutes later, and man are we happy!  Well, kinda... you see, while getting lost in China is, like, super-daunting, we were actually a li'l disappointed that our adventure had come to an end...

 

So the next day we went for a great ride, took some photos, blah blah blah I'll save it for the next post.  But as a preview, the result was that I blew the tyre big time, got sworn at by a bicycooter repair man who refused to fix it after trying twice, and, er, that was just the beginning.

 

Sorry for the long post!

 

Pies out.

 

Pies spelling mistake of the day:

 

We started working at SNU a little earlier than our contracts stipulated, so our boss told us to write him a note.  So I did.

From henceforth, I will cease with any derogatory remarks about Chinese misuse of the English language.  Six years with the WDC under the tutelage of Dr. Love, and I can't even get a letter right.  Just goes to show.