Upon reviewing some of the garbage I've been writing so far, I've
noticed that I have been a bit negative in describing my experience in
China, and therefore give the impression I ain't having fun. This is
entirely untrue. This place has been more fun than a circus carnival
full of bearded ladies. Where else can you find a traffic cop blowing
seven whistles at once while pointing, shouting and herniating at the
nearest cab driver? (I could hear seven whistles, but let's see...
two whistles in his mouth, one in each nostril, and one in each
ear... I'm not sure where a seventh could go...?)
Arright, I'll shush now with my derogatory comments. Instead let
me laud the praiseworthy traits that this place has (for it truly has
many).
Trait #1: Our boss
I will, for the sake of anonymity, call our boss Mr. Flang. He is
a humble and generous fellow with a mild and meek manner, and (can
you believe it) he understands my jokes. In fact, his sense of humour
is immaculate. When escorting us to the bank the other day to help us
with setting up our accounts, he advised us that he actually had no
idea how a bank worked, even though his wife was employed by one. In
fact, she was an important employee, whereas he was a lowly
University professor earning a meagre wage that she not only snapped
up, but redistributed to him what she thought he would need for
living. Consequently (he said), he hadn't eaten since last year (he
was still saving up for a Snickers at the grocery store (7yuan)).
Well, I said, this sounds like many marriages in the West. "Yes",
he replied, "but remember that the Chinese invented
husband-pecking and Westerners stole the idea, as they did with our
other inventions." (Such as the Internet (it wasn't Al Gore) and
floor-cleaner (see previous post)).
Trait #2: Our bosses boss
Again, for anonymity's sake, I will call him Professor Truth.
This guy is super-meek, uber-polite and also very humble.
Considering he's the Dean of the IT Department and quite likely the
guy who fast-tracked our jobs here, his humility and manner is just
plain awesome.
Trait #3: The fooooood!
Okay, I'm gonna try to be as descriptive as possible here, 'cause
this place truly has amazing food. Firstly, gung bao ji-ding. This
translates to "chicken with peanuts". Of course, this
description is incomplete. This dish also contains chillies the size
of small chihuahuas and a spice call wou-jiao, a word which may
translate to something, but I suspect is actually onomatopoeic. This
little %#*&#* of a spice is akin to concentrated novocaine, and
trying to order water afterwards results in one (that is, me) making
noises like a flatulent walrus. (The water is required in order to
douse the remarkably visible flames coming from one's ears after
eating one of the chihuahuas).
Next, tie ban niu rou, or "sizzling beef". This one is
some taaasty goodness. It isn't spicy in the Mexican sense, but I
have no idea what they put in the super-heated sauce that it comes in
to make it so dang flavourable.
Mapo doufu. This is tofu that has been mapo'd. The versions we
have tried of this have all been awesome, including the (gasp!)
vegetarian version (i.e. the pig from which the minced pork is made
consumed vegetables instead of its close relatives).
Packet noodles. Okay, how boring does this sound? In Fiji, we got
packet noodles. In New Zealand, we got packet noodles. Hell, even in
CO, USA, we got packet noodles. But, to those who live in these
areas, ask yourself this question: does your packet noodle come with
a) flaked shavings from a nearby sewer grate? b) a packet containing
what was under said sewer grate? c) the dust of somebody's
grandfather from the nearby crematorium? or d) all of the above?
That's right, Chengdu noodles are an adventure in themselves. And
they so goshdarn tasty! In fact, Linds and I are about to consume
some shortly, so I'll put this post on hold for a sec and enjoy
consuming someone's ancestor and his progeny's by-products.
Ok finished eating, and next time we aren't buying blue-noodles-in-round-bowl or red-noodles-in-square-box (well it's not like we can read whats on the side of the packet now, is it... sheesh.) Hmm it feels like it's time for some photos. I have one photo of
two dishes, so I'll start with this one in order to make you envious
and wish that you, too, could be in a Chengduan restaurant picking
menu items at random 'cause they're all in Chinese.
These are (from left to right) yao-guo ji-ding and tie ban niu rou. Hungry yet? Well too bad coz you ain't in China, you ain't in Chengdu, and you ain't gettin' no yao-guo ji-ding tie ban nui rou. However, if you can pronounce this, I will airmail you a leftover cashew nut.
A pix of Lindsay's living room, where much hanging happens. Note the nerdiness of the laptops. We really should get out more.
And out we went! This is the path to our apartment - not bad eh? The fellow on the bicycle by the trashcan is our caretaker and he speaks no English. This is also the guy that turned purple when I told him I'd borrowed Lindsay's washing machine hose. As you can see, he is no longer purple, but it may be he does not recognise me yet because I am too far away.
This is a badminton court. If you look close, you can see dried blood on the concrete, and I believe there is a severed limb in the garden. The Chinese take their badminton rather seriously, you see.
This here is the forecourt for the Foreign Experts area. The path leading to our apartments is just past the stairs on the left. This place feels a little surreal compared to the rest of the campus coz there's no random pieces of trash on the ground. And people spit in the gardens here instead of on the nearest foreigner's foot.
The most unique thing about this photo is that you can actually see the buildings in the distance. Normally they are shrouded in an insubstantial fog the composition of which, if you think about it (which I refuse to do), you are inhaling every few seconds. Yay for air pollution. At the end of each day it is possible to scrape this crap off your skin with a spatula, so I'm going to give up on my woosy bathroom soap and move to conc. hydrochloric acid baths from now on.
Trees! This pretty little spot is just up the road from the apartments. It might pay to hang out here more often, but it's obvious the park doesn't have airconditioning. Or wireless. Hmmmmm... I'll have to think about this whole "outside" business, it just doesn't seem natural any more.
This is the south gate entrance to SNU. I have no idea what the red banners say, but I'm guessing it'll be "GET YUOR PINAPPRE, VAHUILLA AND APPIE FRNDPPE TURN YOUR BEHIND". Why do I think the signs say this? This is why:
Cooi mate! This menu can be found in a cute little Fndppe shppe in this mall just outside the south gate:
Like a scene out of Bladerunner, this mall is mostly inhabited by faithful bicycooters (bicycle scooter, the coolest things ever invented. I am so getting one soon!), as below:
You know, I reckon that locals don't even bother to make sure they leave on the same bicycooter that they came on. For one, it'd take about 3 hours to find it in this mess, and two, nobody would notice. I might be able to save myself about 1,000yuan (the price of a bicycooter at Wal-Mart) and just bugger off home on one of these.
The sign to SNU. I do believe the Chinese characters above the English say "Enter at your risk, and enjoy for a refreshing Fndppe while you are stay here".
Pies out.
Pies advice of ze day: Geez, where to start... okay, for one, taking photos by "shooting from the hip" can get you in trouble with your girlfriend, lolz0r. Please don't ask me to explain why!
