I've been really struggling with something I've been told is a
strength and blessing. Something I should hold on to and cherish. But
then people get upset because I do it. The craziest part is that
whenever I get down on myself about it someone, who doesn't know I'm having a problem with it, turns around and points it out as a blessing.
I love getting to know new people. I find it exciting to find out who
they are, what they like, how they are different than me and what we
have in common. I take advantage of the opportunity to learn an
in depth and personal aspect of the culture. I can ask any question and
get an honest answer. I get recharged while I hang out with new people
and learn new things. I take advantage of it every chance I get. I
love it! Learning, teaching, explaining (why or how things are for
us), and yes I'll admit, enjoying the company of people I haven't been
around every day for three and a half months. Which isnt a crime. We
all need our time a part from each other. We just do it in different
ways.
Unfortunately my way is different from the other girls. I enjoy movies
and coffee shops but not quite as much or as often as the others--
causing problems. I have made them feel like I dont care about them,
which is far from the truth. I take advantage of new people while I
can which has caused people to say "they're only here for a short time
while we are still together for at least another month and a half." My
problem is there's only here a short time and I want to know them. I
want to take advantage of the few weeks we have together.
There is a balance that is needed and I haven't figured it out yet. I
try to participate with the girls but I feel like I am always giving/sacrificing. I get stressed out while they recharge. I have tried for months to do things with them and the way they do things. Its becoming a huge battle. Me being irritable while trying to be a part of the team and me causing them to feel like I dont want to be with them
while I take advantage of relaxing the way I like to.
I've tried to invite the girls to recharge with me but I recharge in ways they don't like. There are three of them and one of me, I instantly lose the battle. Even the battle in my head is lost. I bow down from putting up a stand and making them do something I like because I dont want to
make them feel like I feel when I do things their way. Its better that
three people are good and one person's not than the other way around.
Besides its not like I can make them hang out with other people. Planning Pam's birthday was so exciting for me because all my friends were going to be together and blessing Pam on her special day. Which she needed so bad.
I've talked with the girls about it a few times because many issues
have stemmed from me being with new friends I've met. I've been told
to work on what they say is wrong with me but they dont say anything
is wrong with me. They just dont like how it comes across as me not caring. They say its good, a gift, a blessing and something they wish they were good at too. That's where the confusion comes from for me. Its good. They like it. They wish they could too. But they dont like me doing it so much. I don't receive hints for how to fix the issue. I just get
told its causing problems. Every time I struggle for a long while and
then the team, without knowing I'm struggling, reassures and
encourages me to continue being this way and that its a great
character trait. I dont know what to do. Change, don't change. I keep
praying God'll give me an answer, how to balance, because the girls
don't have any suggestions.
Its a good thing we will be staying alone in Egypt, no locals. That
way we'll end on a good foot. It'll be good to finish as just us.
