November 3rd.
I can’t really pin point the million of emotions that I am experiencing right now. But I am overwhelmed by it. It’s like I haven’t started crying yet because I know once it comes it’s not going to stop for a while. I’ve seen it coming since some of Rini and Norma’s good friends left the other day with their family. For one, I am turning 21 on Friday. This really scares me. I don’t know why, it’s not a disappointment in myself but for some reason certain ideas/topics/life goals are becoming very heavy on my heart like I’m stuck underneath this rock and can’t move. It’s just a number. I get that. I love where I am, this lifestyle, and these people that are now my family. It was a beautiful autumn day here in Montautre! I rode Popeye(horse) for the first time today. The trail we took just took me back to Mother nature. I don’t think I am homesick, I miss my family but not homesick. But I find my heart physically aching for the people who complete me. And not just that, but that even though I LOVE being alone and LOVE exploring things on my own, I am finally realizing that I do NEED other people. I need them. It’s my soul, my personality and energy. That’s what I thrive off of. It is absolutely cleansing to be here! And that’s what I feel like all of “this” is. I have got to clean this outer layer of right and wrong. Right in the sense of what’s right for me, is this the right way of living, is this the right direction, and most importantly does this feel right. Wrong meaning simply questioning my decisions. I started to go into detailed questions of wrong but then remembered how much of a firm believer I am in reasons behind every incident of choice. I had started crying and saw that Jeff was on Skype so I called in hopes mom would be there so I could cry my heart out to her, but she wasn’t so I held strong which wasn’t so bad because he’s so damn stupidly funny. I do want you all to know that these tears and sadness isn’t all necessarily sad, but more so I haven’t had time to process any of these feelings so I just break down at the overwhelming effect of taking this all in.
I think I just want to get up early in the morning and go for a walk before life arises. Waking up with nature and do some chatting with God through his works that haven’t been ruined by evil or man, might ease some of these edgy feelings of mine.
Goodnight.
P.S I don’t really have the right energy on right now to explain how wonderful it is here, but I will make time for it soon. Promise.
