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Telling it like it is (with a bit of creative licence)...

LA, Vegas and Salt Lake

USA | Tuesday, 7 September 2010 | Views [410]

Yep, that's right, dudes. I have been in the States 3 days and already passed through 4 of them (technically the I15 and I went through Arizona for about 45 minutes, so I'm claiming it - lighten up, ok? We'll never get anywhere if you expect me to tell the un-embellished truth.)

Nothing too exciting to report from LA - although I did see at least 6 women who were significantly taller than me... I suspect some sort of copy-cat genetics regime similar to the Chinese effort in the '96 Olympics. You heard it here first. Also, I ate mashed potato made from powder. It tasted kind of like fake coconut. Lesson learned.

Picked up my car, where they tried to up-sell me from the mid-size SUV (yes, yes, I feel very bad about the environment, but figure my green guilt will disappear the first time I have to sleep in the back of it).  Surely I would prefer a standard SUV? I resisted, only to find that the only SUVs in the lot were even worse - the "full-size SUVs".  Approximately the size of a stretch hummer. Not kidding. The Dibben clan may recall the beast we travelled in a couple of years ago - all 10 of us. His younger (but larger) brother.

As it is, they found me a standard SUV - a Dodge McMassive* (* not its real name). I have named him "McDodgy" (photos to follow). McDodgy has a mere 8 seats, and the turning circle of a semi-trailer. Bless him. He also has an EXTREMELY quiet engine and a disturbing ability to wander up to 90 miles an hour if I don't keep a close eye on him. Tricky. Yes, I know about cruise control, but Dad always told me to keep up with the traffic, right Dad?

Anyway, McDodgy and I made it to Vegas in one piece after only one attempt to turn onto the wrong side of the road. On a freeway. Everyone survived. And not to worry, I gave McDodgy a very stern talking-to. And that b!tch in the GPS, who seems to be up to her old tricks. I have to say that being in Vegas by yourself is a bit odd. I'm used to having my little playmates (that's you, meine schwestern) so, for history's sake, I toddled off to Flamingo.  Although I think it is called something else now. Did I mention there were 2 marriage chapels across the road from my hotel? That will be important later. And the drive-through divorce place. Also important.

As you know, I don't gamble. For those who don't know, you may also be unaware that I am super-competitive.  As a result I cannot gamble because I simply can't stand to not be involved in any given hand, or to throw my cards in. Ever. You can see where this would create a problem. Instead, I people-watch and generally make friends. Anyway, as it turns out, a single woman at the Flamingo attracts a lot of attention. Especially with the accent. After a few unfortunate encounters, I ended up chatting to some young men from Texas. Although I still suspect they may have been pulling my leg - who ever heard of a Texan in regular shoes with no hat?!?! Outrage. Anyway, as with all good stories, this one ends with many shots of tequila (at the Toby Keith "I love this bar" bar - not kidding, Liv) and quite a bit of karaoke (which I believe was actually duelling pianos before the descent into open mike - and no, I didn't start it. I don't think.). Aha, you say, but what about the wedding chapel - rest easy Chanter, I told you I would give you 48 hours to get here if I decided to marry a random in Vegas... nah - just keeping you hooked. Anyway, didn't you read this paragraph - they didn't have HATS!

So tonight I've arrived in Salt Lake City.  I got here about 9pm and went looking for food. And looking. And looking.  The hostel is in suburbia and I started to get a little concerned that I hadn't seen a single person by the time I arrived downtown (walking). Frankly, it was a bit eerie.  Plus, I was seriously hungry. As I walked down Main Street, completely alone, I began to feel as though I was on the set of some sort of apocalyptic film (photos to follow). For goodness sake, why wasn't there even a street sweeper or some idiot cat-calling out of a moving vehicle?! But there wasn't. Eventually, I found the only place open in the whole city. A bar. Isn't it funny how these things work out? Something to ponder. But actually, the other 3 people out on the town in SLC were kind of the desperate to drink variety, so I've called it early to come back here and write to you lovely folk.

I'm still hungry.

Well, this is very long considering I didn't have much to tell. Sorry, dudes. Hopefully more excitement to report from SLC tomorrow, otherwise on to Denver. Yee-haw!

Love Al x

Tags: la, mcdodgy, salt lake, toby keith, vegas


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Me about to do something stupid... story to follow.

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