To Maria with genuine love,
Costa Rica, followed a time where we found ourselves in a “in-between land”, unable to feel free so the only way out that we found was to free our minds. We didn’t chose that way, we didn’t really want to explore our “darkest” side on holidays which were, once, also good memories. We simply just had to, this is what I felt when we were there.
It all started actually in San Pedro de la Laguna, where after breaking my toe, receiving an email from an old friend and a weird meeting in the street, actually there are few of them on our way that I started to wonder but actually “Why are we here?”
No seriously, when/how did I get the idea to lose myself in the middle of the world? Why am I plunged into the past? Why am I meeting that guy in the bus with the same book that I was reading? I am not talking about a best-seller, I am talking aboutEnseignements sur l’amour.
I love talking to strangers, especially passers-by because they let you see their soul easily. They let you get into deep and question them in a manner that they let you take them where they might be.
So, that guy, I hardly remember his name, but I think he was called Bob. He was traveling, I guess, after a break-up, trying to find his way among meditation to reach some kind of peace, whatever it is, it’s fine, I am sure he is on the way he wants to be on.
Maria says he was a Buddha, I don’t think he was one for me. I need more to believe so.
Anyway, Guatemala was a weird place of synchronicity (the second book I had with me was about this), with a kind of surrealism, with the touch/signs of magic that you have to grasp. Few elements/people/situation met before heading to Nicaragua that directed my reflexions.
So, let me sum up, Maria and I, lost in the middle of the world, two that met very weirdly last May (for Christians, May, is your month so let’s pick that one) just because we instantaneously connected and our world could echo in certain ways. It could echo because we’ve been through similar feelings, because from the beginning what we were sharing wasn’t superficial and if there is something I don’t like is being (only) superficial.
So, Maria and I, San pedro de la Laguna, 3rd of January, sun like blades on our shoulders, waiting for a shuttle that doesn’t seem to come. Wondering why I just wrote to my ex boyfriend to tell him what he might need to hear the day he broke up (why is my life still echoing to yours?) wondering why my toe is so black, Maria showing me that I might know the guy coming across the street. Oh really, why you here? That is weird, weird like my life. Like signs posted on my way, just the day i myself cut someone off my life.
So, here the “private” shuttle comes, but why, remind me, do we need to take that bus with tourists? Here comes that Bob, with his book on Love meditations, why did you have to read that book? here he goes, leading me to explain him what I went through, when I had in mind trying to see why he was himself reading this book. He was on the road alone to seek himself a path. As we were also maybe? i am sure Bob, you’re on the good way and everything will be fine for you, you had some sorrow, but wisdom emanated from your speech. That was sweet to hear. This is why I let you go without asking for more. Thank you for sharing yourself with honesty, and thank you for the lollipop.
It’s when such discussions arise that I have the feeling to travel and in these moments I tell myself: “this is why I’m traveling and the reason why I am here.” I am just a human being trying to have an open-window on the world and people. This is why I loved New Year’s eve because the window I saw reminded me that I wasn’t an “hapax.” New Year’s Eve and I don’t know why had that taste of “I want to know more” because simply meeting people that remind you of people you love, surely is a valuable gift when you miss them. I should have known by your headband “Feliz Navidad” that you were just a late present. That was very funny and unexpected to meet someone like you too: lazy eye, with a twin, harassing me with questions and leading me to the weirdest conversation I could have had with myself actually.
After the episode of that private shuttle followed by the police who was trying to ensure our vehicle, we arrived in Antigua but the atmosphere changed, it’s not the same than when we left. Fragrance of New Year’s Eve vanished. We were just the two of us. So we went to a “Crêperie” that seemed so far away. We had “crêpes” but its taste wasn’t enjoyable as before. We were cold, exhausted and full of thoughts. Maria was staring at people around us, just couples and here we were plunging into Nostalgia. But why? All in a sudden, I felt something submerging my heart. The question was “Why us?”, “Why the two of us here? We weren’t supposed to be here. I was supposed to be somewhere in Canada building my life with someone. I wasn’t supposed to be here. Neither Maria, she was supposed to be about to leave for some uncertain countryside in Japan and finally we are here staring at each other. I remember those two words slapping my face: “Why me?” That’s a weird feeling when you know you are over certain events of your life but when someone around you is going through it, you can’t help waking up old feelings.
Ow, now Baby, it’s just the two of us. Here starts the journey I came for.
"There was no eye in me for you to hide" I felt as if something changed, as if a heavy anchor was pulling our cheerfulness down. I knew we would make it to the top, and that at some point we would be fine, but on the moment that still felt hard.
That crepe wasn’t good. That same night, we were on the street, waiting for another shuttle to take us to another bus for Managua. While waiting, we met two guys, talked to them and then two others. They wanted us to dance but heart wasn’t there. We talked a little more, then asked him how come he was selling drugs as if all of this was normal. Juicy business around tourists right, everything is good to have more money. I am not surprised anymore to have such conversations with people.
We left for Guatemala city, the tourist agency forgot to book our ticket. We were stuck, put on stand-by. I felt like going “home” (I also realized how I really loved my housemates in Pella during this trip), stopping that travel and being in a place where I am able to decrypt what’s going on around. What happened in one day was very challenging sentimentally speaking.
Finally we took the bus. Maria is sick, my toe is getting darker and darker. We don’t really talk on the bus. But we start opening our hearts (we actually started in Belize on Christmas day around a smoothie). Maria has hard things to say but still good to hear. So I decide to let go things and to tell concerned people what I feel. She goes on questioning things, i do the same. She presses where it hurts, very innocently, I let her see me naked. There are answers that she prefers not to answer. We seldom speak because what we exchange is intense and requires introspection. I also have questions for her that are recurring and that I really want her to answer and finally at the end of the trip she gave me that answer. Maria, if you read this, you will know.
20 hours later, after crossing two countries, we arrive. We start being paranoid. Security obsessed, like we wanted to “survive,” just because we arrived in a country where we had no clue of how things work.
In what world am I living?
Taxi drivers pushing/hustling us to trust them to go to our hotel. Maria stared at me, in a way that says “what do we do?”. Whatever happens we had to leave there and we intimately sealed a pact that we will not take any hasty decisions in the future. From two conscious streams, we were one, she could read me as an open book. Me reassuring her and telling her, if something bad happens, don’t worry, we’ll find a way out, I set my warning on. We, at no point, adopted an adventurous behavior in Nicaragua and we were right not to. French people following us on our way, confirmed that we were right to put our inner alarm on. They almost got attacked by people running after them like dogs. Why again? Why people do that? Why are people animal-like in here? All of this wrapped me into a reflexion state of mind. I had never been afraid of people so far and I don’t want to, but still what’s going on there?
So, in Nicaragua, we behaved tourist-like, impossible to fusion with population. I was even more frustrated not to be able to speak the language because I had tons of questions for them. Tons of question for the father of that child that let him in the street at night. I wanted to know why he let his son asking for food. Why? Why? Sensitivity was at its stake, My guts and my heart spoke. Language was a barrier, now I am learning Spanish, since I am back, sentences are in my head. Am I sincerely considering learning a language each time I want to communicate with someone? I must admit that if something spoke the whole time during this trip it’s my heart but also my intuition and I felt the need to express it out loud.
Actually, I had that feeling of being a tourist since the beginning. In Mexico, it was a bit different because I am immersed into Mexican culture since September so I could see from my eyes what I was experiencing in Iowa with Angie, Aby and Steve. But I had to admit that from the beginning of the trip, what we had been were tourists.
This is not why I came for but what I found was interesting. As I mentioned briefly in my “postal card” from Nicaragua on this blog, we were locked in a nice hotel in Granada/Léon. Our attempt to see Chagall at the museum of arts had been disrupted. So we stayed in, Maria finally consented to open her book on the Art of Happinessreminding me of what I was doing the year before at the same period. Another wink, I know.
The question, was why am I here? What can I do? Why are we here? Why are we converging in the middle of the New continent, in a land of revolution? A friend asked me on my way “Where are you?” I answered, I am lost in the middle of the world. Isn’t weird actually to feel lost in the middle of somewhere? Normally, we tend to feel lost when we are at the edge of things. I was actually lost in a sort of anthropocentrism, reflecting on “Men”, trying to position myself and to see what can I do in this world? I am not ok to be in a hotel locked in because I don’t feel secure. What happened here? Are we all not the same? Ok, life, you got me, I will fight now.
What I loved about Maria is that, she let me get into introspection and she understood that I needed to stop and to be introverted for a while. I remember myself wrapped into a blue hammock, trying to regenerate and to find answers to my questions. Me listening to music, words, lyrics echoing into my head, my mind and my heart. I felt a different energy. Trying to find the right words for that old friend to tell him that everything would be okay for him. But got also time to think, and Maria in this story, why are we here together? There might be something for her. Time to be helpful. It was impossible for me to read and to answer the question I set myself before leaving: “What’s love, actually?”
I could feel ourselves down into depth. It had to stop. So, I thought of what my shiatsu professor told me someday: balance energy flux with your hands. Put an end to this. I offered to massage her, after all it worked for me last year, why not her? At least I was thinking this as a symbolic act, after the message, past is behind.
I remember telling her that night: “Maria, what’s life?”, “Maria, what’s happiness?”
I wrote this, the day I asked her to answer those questions:
"One told me once that I shall find my way where my dreams are and to dare to be that woman…
I had no choice but to be it. He pushed me, threw me on the edge and left with the intimate conviction I could do it and that my way wasn’t the one I was taking.
Here I am, somewhere in this world, confronted to what I wanted, seeing other doors to be opened, going into deep… Going away from old demons.
Here I am traveling, with the thirst of discovering not land but people, with a inner need to understand and wondering if traveling is not more about introspection than anything else..
Here I am in the land of synchronicity, somewhere between past and present… Dawn and future.
Tastes like a dream, life is no more than dreams… No more than a potential that you seize or not…
Doors that you chose to open that have to echo the world you want to be born…
I am sure the ride is worthing if you accept losing your way from one time to another and to adjust your destination.”
Renaissance had come. I focused on freeing it. What is sweet is that I also let her massage me, thing that I normally don’t like. And she told me afterwards: this was actually an energy exchange so she definitely brought me a lot too in this trip. After that session, we went to the restaurant and I knew it was over. I knew we will find answers for what we come because we were two in the middle of the world. I don’t believe in chance, even less after this trip.
Then we got souther, further, we laughed and say hey ok let’s do that “Eat, Pray & Love express.” Maybe, Maria we should write a new tome of the book, what do you think?
And I got to see her face changing with the time, felt like her face was more serene, relaxed and she was the pure reflect of the soul I could read in mails we exchanged in the past. That was extremely beautiful. She was on the beach, the one where turtles come to burry their eggs, and I realized how beautiful her color was. I laughed innerly because I knew that intuitive me was bursting through again. I can’t really get rid of you, can I?
Costa Rica was a nice moment of blossoming, I would remember long walks on the beach; with the feeling of velvet under my feet, with the sun caressing my skin, with moments of fasting, with reflexions on diet, on life, on love and on what I expect from life, how can I get there? I felt in the overall that I was on my way to something great. I would remember Maria at the beginning wanting me to wake up at 7 and to do many things and then letting me going at my pace.. and then coming to me with the reflexion of the day. I remembered her coming to me and telling me that she found answers. I was just happy to see that she was getting to that point. Taking the time, stopping it just as important as breathing sometimes. At some point, I knew she was able to let go and I smiled because I knew job was done. I knew it when I saw her lowering her guard and showing her true self.
I also wondered why I felt home in Costa Rica, I also wondered why a monkey attacked me, but then I stopped wondering and I understood that it was also part of the process.
For my part, I know that everything will come at the right time and that what I am looking for will be on my way and that I don’t have to be afraid because it exists. It’s just rare but it must be somewhere. If I want to find it, I also discovered that there are places that I am more likely to find it and that I definitely have to act and to go deeper into my intuition and my feelings.
I understood that I was like my clarinet teacher: I am not going to follow the path where I know the destination but I may go to the one I could get surprises from, even if it leads nowhere. Boredom is not affordable. There are plenty of ways that deserve to be explored.
Also, I understood that each person has its way to explore things, I have mine and won’t judge yours and I am happy to be this way.
I understood I wanted to take the time to live, I wanted to feel things. I want to live synesthesia like I lived in Costa Rica. I want to feel the music with my ears, corresponding to the softness of the sand and seeing a landscape that reminds me of a painting. The painting I saw at the end of my journey was color wise like Skrik by Edvard Munch but without the feeling of anxiety. That was beautiful. I felt that when I was into the water, another moment of grace like I lived in Bali last year. The flower wasn’t falling from a tree, but waves were here to rock me tenderly.
Bliss and Grace.
Maria, thank you for being an actor of this journey and to be a soul mate, like that Elizabeth Gilbert would say:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
I met few soul mates and I will never forget them, this is how I know I can call someone a friend!
Ti amo!
