3am wake up! light on, bright idea, find paper!
I scramble to find a
pen and something to write on, my eyes still adjusting to the light. My
body jarred with the sudden jolt of cold, muscles locked as if any
sudden movement would let in more cold. A Christmas card sits on my
desk, i study it to see if it has sufficient amount of space, I'm happy
and grab it and jump back into bed quickly, a shiver rushes from my
spine and floods body, my muscles relax and settle back in for the
night. My mind on the other hand is wide awake and raring to write, i
begin...
This was a frequent sleep pattern for me, as i have
found that my most creative thoughts come to me in my dreams and i have
become accustom to this ritual of waking myself mid dream to write. Why i
never put a pen and paper by my bed, i don't know but i guess the
interesting array of notes i have from Christmas cards to toilet paper,
to the inside of the latest book I'm
reading or those cardboard inserts that come inside takeaway meals on
trains, make it all the more interesting for me.
This night in
particular i had a strange feeling, a feeling at the pit of my stomach, a
feeling i knew had been stewing for a while but hadn't known quite what
to do about it, and tonight i felt the feeling was coming to a head.
You
see these last few months Ive been a little lost, which is ironic as my
nickname is 'Lost' , the problem is, is that i was named lost for
another reason, a reason i had quite happily accepted, that being the
last 11 years of my life travelling, a traveller with no real
destination, i go where the wind (a little cliche i know) takes me or
where a new found friend invites me, or where an experience awaits me.
It
has taken me across the sun scorched roads of the outback where dingos
roam, wilds cats can be seen feeding on the carcasses of kangaroo
roadkill, whilst eagles circle in
order to be next in line for leftovers, Ive canoed in crock infested
rivers, shared hot-springs with local children showing off there water
bombing skills and laughing at my Lilly skin and sky coloured eyes,
Talking in a
language their great ancestors had passed through generations and on to them.
Ive
babysat for Asian mafia (quite obliviously i might add), had my
apartment stormed by gun yielding policemen, nearly gotten into a cult
thinking it was a job interview!, fallen in love with a Thai boy with an
Afro called Bob, painted a long boat in the Andaman sea at low tide,
watched the sun set in Richmond park, as the silhouette of a stag
watches me photograph him as he cautiously guards over his doe .
Ive
made friends, beautiful, and amazing friends, friends of different
cultures, different ideas, and completely different ways of life, but
all with something in common, such warm hearts,
loving and open, all willing to let me into their lives and let me be a
part of it with them.
Ive been incredibly lucky to experience all of
this, and be free to do so, I have made changing countries yearly a
kind of custom and I've never been happier! Until now.
Now I'm
at a cross roads, I have begun to question my carefree decissions. I'm
28 years old and have not alot more than about 15kgs worth of
belongings, which include,clothes, diarys, photos, my camera, a laptop
and up till about three days ago i also had a wallet,untill i was
pickpocketed whilst moving again. All this and the Memories of my life
so far have always been enough, but as the daunting age of 30 creeps
into sight, the age where being all grown up is somewhat expected i
start to wonder maybe i need a career, do i need a career? or is it
just society that expects this of me? or do i need to grow up a little
and get a job that lasts longer than the
few months i am there before its time to move on and see more. To be
honest I'm not sure,and I'm not sure how to decide... the easy going,
relaxed, carefree, happy go lucky part of my brain the part that
realises life is short and theres sooo much to see and experience has
started a vicious tug of war with the other side, the more responsible,
somewhat stiffer part of my brain, the part that agrees with society
and frequently questions why the rest of my brain is not listening and
wont grow up! the other part usually off with the fairies at this point
when such topics arouse.
I decided i needed to research this
decision as i had no real clue, if i was to choose a career, what it was
going to be, or really what a career in tailed at all, I had been so
oblivious to this concept, my world so wrapped up in other people, there
worlds, there cultures and there amazing hospitality towards me i
didn't really care to think about it. But it was time
to give it a thought.
As i sigh, a sigh that was familiar to me
and mainly used when i was a child and my dad would crouch down beside
me to lecture me on a new issue he felt i needed to understand in great
detail, usually due to my bad judgement of course, like when i didn't
realise he was around the corner and i was trying to be cool with my
friends and said Fuck, that time the lecture also involved a tedious
amount of time in my room and a lecture that was given in a much louder
and angrier tone. Lesson learnt make sure father is definatly not around
when saying fuck, But like he would always say when the storm calmed
and the red faded from his face, you need to know this stuff Nicola, I
tell you this because I love you and you need to understand.
so i sigh and get started on my quest to do right by my father and understand.
I
remembered something good friend had once told me, hes very successful
in what he does and also
very happy, so that made it easier for me to listen to him, he told
me..."its easy just figure out what your passion is and focus on what
you can do to make it a career".
Great! i thought, OK i can do this,
right so passion...crap what was my passion??, i thought i was meant to
be researching on careers and now my homework had expanded considerably!
how and what was this?. "write a list" he had told me, "of what you
love, what you think about and love to think about constantly and see
where that takes you".
I decided now was as good a time as any to
take his advice if only to calm my nerves and ease the pressure the tug
of war was putting on my mind so i could go back to sleep. I scribble on
my Christmas card...
1.Travel(ofcourse)
2.Writing.
3.Photography,
4. People and there amazing cultures!
I felt considerably better but I still had no idea what or where this list was going to take me but i felt like i was making
progress, slowly my brain relaxes and i drift back in to sleep.
I
decided to get up early the next morning and transfer my scribbles on
to my computer, something i did occasionally as not to loose my notes.
As
i opened facebook which i do automatically with out thinking or not
really even realising, like its second nature, like brushing my teeth or
drinking my morning cofee, two things that these days actually come
after facebook! i then open my email...
Travel Writing Scholarship - Go to Turkey with Rough
Guides. was there staring back at me! My eyes lit up!, the
butterflies danced excitedly in my stomach how weird to recieve this
today? was it a sign?, was it meant to be?, is travel writing going to
help me on my quest to a decision about a career?, was travel writing
going to be my career?, or was i over thinking everything ...It was
just an email sent at a strangley apropriate time?I decided not to over
think it anymore and i began to write.
