G'dayyyy my Aussie guys and girls,
HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!!! How has everyone pulled up after the most awesome day of the year?! Anything less than death is not very Australian of you. Tut tut. I hope your day was full of none other than 100% Aussie activities. Not that I can talk really. But obviously I was living vicariously through you ALL. What's that? What constitutes an Australian activity? Well let's see if we can't make some sort of list here:
1. Wearing the least amount of clothes possible without being arrested for indecent exposure.
-- Wait, wait, wait. Let's just remember that I couldn't partake in this one seeing as it's like 0 degrees here. Couldn't check this one off. Totes soz guys.
2. Speaking of temperature, surely it must be around 40degs C's? Am I right? Also, couldn't check this one off.
3. Look down. Are you in some sort of body of water? Beach? Pool? Paddle pool? Slip 'n Slide? Vomit? If you said yes to any of these, you are winning. I was in snow. Counts as a liquid right? FML.
4. Now look around you. Are you with the best company in the world right now? Friends and family. Ha, tricks, your family doesn't want to see you plastered so you must be with friends. Winning. If you can't look around right now because you're passed out - dubs winning.
5. Maybe you're passed out or just too blind to notice what's going around you. But let's concentrate just for a moment and use your other senses. Can you hear Triple J's Hottest 100? If you can't because it's not on, get the f*ck out of the country. This is UNaustralian. Stop reading.
6. What's in your hot little hand? Cider? Beer? Goon? LITTLE CREATURES?! You're the best. Take a sip.
7. Now what's all this shiz about Australian flags being put on cars being racist?! This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Be loud and proud. Show your disgusting Southern Cross tats, Aussie temp tats, wear nothing but your flag, strap a flask to the inside of your thigh and get down to the foreshore for the fireworks. I don't care how you do it, be dragged if your passed our arse isn't in gear. My advice? Drunk running, it just gets you there quicker. I don't know how, but it does. And from past experience, if you think you see the moon, it probably isn't. It's just a streetlight. That was the most wonderous 5 minutes of my life last time, marvelling in how close and clear the moon looked. Then I realised it was a streetlight. ZT one night only.
8. Get sunburnt.
9. Stop telling everyone you BET Gotye is going to be number 1. That's obvious. Stop talking and keep drinking.
10. If you can count this far, you're not drinking enough. Get back in the pool with a drink in your hand and start that barbie.
Shit. I only checked off about 3 of those. But like I said I was living vicariously through you. A quick run down of my Australia Day was making sure everybody damn knew that it was Australia Day. I had about 10 layers of clothes on, a couple of ciders, and was streaming the countdown until it ended at about 130am. Might I add, a great top 20 by the way. Woke up and it was the 26th. So, what I'm basically trying to say is, that I got 2 Australia Days. Now if that's not fucking Australian, I don't know what is.
Oh, and heard the Jules got locked into a building by some protestors? Nice one. Leave Jules alone.
Ok, heading off. Hope you are recovering well and still vomiting from your antics. Because that's the only way to know that you lived it hard.
Light and love,
ZT
