i know i´m not the only one who thinks that there´s something deliciously fun about playing with fear, but most of the things that have scared me until now have been quite trivial. for example, jumping off the high tower in my primary school playground, volunteering my opinion in a classroom debate at uni, or even something as non-threatening as starting kung fu lessons or getting a motorbike learners´ permit, - all these induced more panic in me than most would imagine. some may be surprised to hear this, since my anxiety doesn´t necessarily always show on the outside, but believe you me, if there´s one thing i´m good at, it´s faking confidence. i should add that i firmly believe that faking most sentiments enough will eventually lead to feeling then sincerely, so eventually, the confidence is as genuine as if i´d started out with it. in situations such as those described above, i actively remind myself that the only real reason to be scared is that i´m doing something new and don´t know how it´ll turn out.
i guess this is quite natural, this fear of the unfamiliar. whenever people ask me if i´m not scared about X, (let X be freedom camping, visiting a country with a certain reputation, etc,) it´s usually the case that they haven´t actually experienced anything remotely connected to X, and have allowed themselves to be influenced by their melodramatic imaginations. before setting off cycling, for instance, i was *ridiculously* scared of not having the physical strength, or of being stranded on a deserted road if something happened. fortunately, in most cases, the rational side of me takes charge when these types of thoughts stop being a mere nuisance, and actually start preventing me from doing what i want. if i lack the strength to continue, i get off the bike and walk, or i set up camp and have a rest day. if something happens to the bike (as it did 2 weeks ago, when my ignorance and a week of rain (imagine a whole lot of mud and loose stones on the road) combined to give me skewed gears, a misaligned wheel, and problems which i don´t even have the bike-vocabulary to describe), i hitch to the nearest town and get it fixed. it might be a pain in the arse, but it´s definitely not the end of the world. in fact, it´s usually a blessing in disguise, since i end up meeting people and experiencing things that i normally wouldn´t have. recently, however, i´ve found it particularly hard to overcome certain fears.
it would be statistically illogical to assume that i could spend so much time frolicking around having positive experiences 100% of the time, and it shouldn´t be a surprise to learn that i´ve had a few close calls and been in situations where i´ve felt out of my depth. until now, thank the powers above, i´ve felt sure enough of myself to be able get out of those situations, but a recent struggle has mentally(?emotionally?) disarmed me more than i´d like, and left me feeling more vulnerable than is comfortable for someone travelling alone. this bothers me a lot. as you all already know, one of the most important aspects of my wandering around is getting to know people from all walks of life. in order to do this, one obviously has to be open to striking up conversation with strangers, but unfortunately i´m finding this a lot harder to do now. if i´m in a group, it´s fine, but as soon as there´s one-on-one conversation, i get uncomfortably skittish. it´s strange how my mind registers the safety of these situations but can´t control my heart from pounding that little bit faster.
i regret to say that there´s no real point to this entry. i waited quite a while before finally deciding to write something today, thinking that maybe with time, some sort of magic solution would be delivered to my tentdoor. if we dig deep into the D&M-yin-yang-cosmic-balance-universal-energy tub, i guess i could say that i did find some sort of answer: they say that the best thing to do when you fall off a horse is to get right back on it, and that´s what i´ve tried/am trying to do. in the last 5 weeks, i´ve met so many amazing people that i´m starting to think that maybe the price of having incredible (in a good way) encounters is having the odd incredible (in a bad way) one too. in the meantime, i just have to concentrate on the thrills that i get knowing that in a month´s time, i´ll be attempting to cross the Andes on my bike! (yeah peter, i know you´ve been there, done that, but please, indulge me the excitement!)
(recent photos: see ´friends´ gallery)
