it is true, it does exist: the fullblown crisis after 3 months. i had it in ireland, but i hoped i could survive new zealand without it. apparently not. my mood right now:
everything sucks.
it actually is nothing in particular, i just notice that i start missing more and more things here, and the constant thinking about it doesn't allow me to enjoy what makes my time here great. i met so many nice and interesting and fun people here and i so feel i do them wrong by wanting to leave. this feeling of guilt doesn't make it any better.
everytime i pick up my pen to take notes in class (if i go at all) i ask myself for what or whom i am doing all this actually. i don't have an answer, do i really wanna become a teacher? why don't i just drop everything and study art? why do i need to know about the prisoner's dilemma and what it has to do with the cold war, and why the hell did the ancient mariner shoot the albatross?! i want to live in a chivalric romance like gwenivere and launcelot instead of this cold and damp house without central heating and the water running down on every window. inside.
i want to wake up and have breakfast without having to put on 3 layers of cloths first. i want to taste real bread again. senseo coffee. i want to go to uni with people my age, not students that are younger than my own sister. i want to buy a soy latte without worrying that my account balance will have a minus in front of the numbers at the end of the month. i want to ride a bycicle again. i want want want.
i shouldn't be so ungrateful. i have the privilege to study at the end of the world, in a country that has beaches, mountains, sheep, cattle, glaciers, lakes, friendly people, ....... and still. i can't help it. right now, i feel locked up in a life that just doesn't feel right for me anymore. what i want instead? i can't tell.
i guess i just have to go on and see what happens. maybe, if i wake up tomorrow, the sun will be shining and everything will feel right again and make sense somehow. maybe. i hope.
