My last day in Bangkok I drank more bubble tea, rode the BTS sky train, watched a thunderstorm from the 15th floor of the building I was staying in, and had dinner with my hosts at a rooftop restaurant/bar with an amazing view. I also went back to the nearby mall to do more people watching, as the weather limited my original outdoor plans.
I think for me one of the most fascinating parts of Thailand was observing the different fashions that the women were wearing and how they carried themselves. While each person was different, I noticed a pattern of grace and poise that I have not seen so often in many other places.
On the sky train I saw a girl who stood out to me in a school uniform who looked to be early/mid high school age. She had thin hair down to her waist, tan skin, no make up. She was taller than me and skinny, somewhat hunched. She was so intriguing. I had the impression that she was beautiful, inside and out, and that she was on the threshold of many things. She seemed so real, like she couldn't have pretended to be someone she wasn't even if she tried. While much of this is projection, as I didn't speak to her, I like to think that she is a kindred spirit. When we left the train at the same stop, I became aware of a hopeful feeling and a curiosity about what her future would bring. I wondered if she would be respected, loved, safe- if she would continue her education or choose, rather than being pressured or forced, down a different route.
I think of all women (cis and trans alike) as warriors, no matter how "passive" they may seem. I don't use the word warrior to refer to violence in this context. What unifies us is that we all struggle against oppression, though some much more than others, depending on skin color and where and how we are born. In spite of our sometimes gaping differences, women face obstacles to being known, heard, validated, understood, and safe. We have to learn the balance of protecting our hearts from danger while keeping it open enough to still receive the love we deserve, and that path looks decidedly different when a person is told repeatedly by the world that she is less- less strong, less worthy, less interesting or valuable.
I wanted to tell that girl on the train to not let anyone convince her that she is less...
I wanted to tell the British man in the hostel who was saying a certain nationality of women aren't "beautiful" and that they "try too hard" as he leered at a young woman from a different country to shut the fuck up. I sadly stayed silent as I had been the butt of many a lewd joke to "try to get a rise out of" me and didn't want to take the bait. They lessened somewhat after another woman joined the discussion, but eventually I just got up and left.
If I stay silent, I lose. If I speak up, I lose. This is the manipulative nature of these men, and the scary part is they don't always realize they're doing it. Don't try to call them out though, or else you'll have to deal with an assload of gaslighting. Remember, they are never the ones in the wrong- the grumpy feminist just has a stick up her when she shows she is annoyed she is talked over, told she is wrong, condescended to, while none of the other people around (men) get the same treatment. then it could get topped of with a joke that ends with an inquiry of whether she had sex with a grown man at the age of 7.
No matter where you go in the world, there you are, and there misogynistic men are. I wish I could protect that girl I saw on the train,and the girl that is still inside of me, from the people who may unconsciously or consciously seek to bring others down... But I believe she will rise above anyway, just as I have, as we all do, when we survive another day, however quietly, however gently. We keep going forward, with an ever growing list of people to forgive. And at the top should always be ourselves whenever we may falter.
