I'm not at work today

The

MONDAY AFTERNOON

DRINKING SESSIONS



By Sfau



Chapters



Drinking beer

Travel

Work

Religion

Being alive

What happens when the pub is closed for a refurbishment

Politics

Wage slave

Closing time






DRINKING BEER




“Afternoon Rosie” I muttered as I walked into the pub
“Usual Andy?” was her cheerful reply

There are only a few people I’ll tolerate that call me Andy. As Rosie has a great arse, she’s one of them

“Why not” is my standard reply. The “usual” is Newcastle Brown Ale or as it’s sometimes called “a bottle of dog” it has something to do with a male canine’s reproductive organs. If you don’t know the meaning I ain’t going to be explaining.

“”Hey Joe, how’s it going?” I asked
“Not bad mate, still fat I see” was his reply
“Still an alcoholic I take it” I retorted”

Don’t ask me why men greet friends with insults…they just do!

Now I’ve known Joe for years and you’ll find someone like him in every local pub. He’s the bloke that seems to spend all day in it, always on “his” barstool which is always in “his” preferred place and he will take great offence when someone else sits on it! I try and do this every chance I get just to wind him up a little. That and ask him how his team did on the weekend.

“How did Newcastle do on Saturday” barely able to stop myself from laughing.
“Fuck off you cunt” said Joe in his usual friendly manner.

Poor bloke…I keep telling him that as he has been living down south for over 20 years he’s allowed to change teams and support a decent club…like Chelsea!

“Could be worse, you could be a Liverpool supporter” I spoke just loud enough so that Barry could hear as he came through the door and headed to the bar.

“Ha ha, very funny, usual please Rosie” stated Barry as he made his way up to the bar
“Afternoon Barry, any spare beds this week?” I asked

Barry works at the local hospice across the road as the head chef. If you want to annoy him just ask him if the microwave ovens are worn out yet.

“Nah, I thought Mrs Jones would of gone by now but she’s a tough old bird. Shame her minds already left” was his honest answer.

Barry is originally from the north of Ireland but he’s been hanging out in Acton for a while now and he’s got a very laid back and slightly sarcastic attitude. Mind you he does have an unhealthy obsession for sleeping with his (soon to be ex) housemates!

“Joe, have you seen Grant” said Barry with a hint of desperation in his voice”
“Nah, not for about a week now, why?”
“He owes me a tenner” explained Barry
“What!!!, you got your wallet out for someone else” wonders will never cease I thought to myself
“Piss off; anyway I was at the bar when he asked me…”
“Yeah yeah” and nodded my head in sympathy. “He might be in later on this afternoon”
“That’s a good enough reason to stay around for a few more beers” thought Barry out loud.

There was a lull in the conversation as we all quaffed our liquid refreshment. As a famous Homer once said Beer: the solution to and the cause of all of life’s problems.

“Joe, are my plants ready yet? Or is it a case of “next week” again!” spoke I
“They’re ready, come down to the collage tomorrow afternoon and pick them up” was Joe’s helpful answer
“What” exclaimed Barry “more plants, how many is that now!”
“I’ve got a little bit of room left on the balcony and besides these are aquatic plants for the pond”
“The what” said Barry his voice expressing even more disbelief than usual
“Pond…you know a place where the goldfish live”
“Mate, you live in 3rd floor flat”
“True but as you know it has a balcony…”
“And don’t forget the hammock as well” Joe helpfully added
”You have a hammock?” remarked Barry
”Jealous are we“” I said in a slightly mocking and patronizing manner. ”It’s the best place for chilling out in the early evening, swinging in the hammock, listening to the heartbeat of the city with the gentle sound of the water gurgling out of the fountain”
“You have a fucking fountain as well, now that’s just taking the piss”
“Isn’t it about time for you to fuck your new housemate?” always answer a question with another question is my motto
“I’m not sure about this one; I think she might be a bit of a psycho!”
“What and the last one wasn’t” interjected Joe “has the swelling gone down yet or are you still finding it hard to walk!”

Me and Joe then warmed our hands on the heat coming off Barry’s face as it went from pasty white to bright red. It’s a good job everyone has a sense of humour. I’m surprised that no one has had their face slapped yet. Well apart from that time when Steve told Rosie that she looked heavier than the week before.

“Alright boys” said a familiar voice
“Afternoon Steve how’s things” asked Rosie. Always ready to chat with the locals is Rosie.
“Hello Rosie, you’re looking good but you would look a lot better if you were pulling a pint”
“Does that mean you want a beer then Steve?”
“Yep, I’m bloody thirsty and as this a pub…”
“The usual I take it” and off she went to work yet again.

Steve comes from South Africa but he’s been living here for about 6 or 7 years now. One of the blessings of having British grandparents! In fact he used to work for me when he 1st came off the boat but I only had work for the summer. After that he has sort of drifted into becoming a skilled labourer/garden constructer. He’s a top bloke but not when his nose is in the sherbet if you know what I mean.

“Has anyone seen Grant?”
“He didn’t borrow money off you as well did he Steve?” inquired Barry.
“I sense a theme is upon us” smirked Joe
“Yeah, he owes me a ton” sighed Steve
“Well you know you could have said no, both of you!” and that was me telling them how it was!
“I know but he’s a mate ain’t he! Besides he’s helped me out in the past so I could really say no.”
“I don’t think his new girlfriend is letting him hang out with undesirables like us” Joe explained
“Speak for yourself; I am an upstanding member of the local community” I boasted proudly
“Yeah right, but what I can’t understand is how someone as old and as ugly as Grant has managed to pull a stunning girl like what he has done!” a bewildered Barry offered up for answering
“It’s easy…the ladies love the saffer…I mean look at my missus“” Steve proudly boasted
“Mate; she was pissed when you pulled her and I don’t think she has ever really sobered up enough to realise what an ugly fucker you truly are”
“Same again please Rosie my love”
“Right you are Joe, that will be £2.27”

One good thing about the Milly is the price of the beer. Compared to several other pubs in the area its quite reasonable, well for London that is. When you spend a decade drinking in a managed house you see your fair share of landlords. The latest one has only been here for a couple of weeks. Like Steve he is a saffer but he’s nearly as Short, Fat And Ugly as me. However I have the better shaped head! Yep, he’s bald! The judgement is still out on Brad but as the price of beer hasn’t changed yet he’s doing alright. Saying that, Joe was working on him from the very 1st day.


“So I hear your new housemate is nowhere near as ugly as you!” Steve mentioned “Is that why she’s spurned your advances…because she doesn’t want to set her sights that low!”
“Have you been telling us porkpies ugly boy” I asked Barry?
“Listen, I ain’t that bad looking and she’s…well I just don’t know what she is” Barry said in his defence
“If you like you can say she is a lesbian and that way no one will question your manhood” spoke Joe; he is always willing to be helpful.
“We of course still will, just because we can” I on the other hand try not to be.
“Look who’s just come through the door” spoke Barry, neatly changing the subject matter
“Hello ladies and of course the lovely Rosie” boomed Grant as he shuffled across the sticky carpet towards the bar.
Steve demanded “Where’s my money you no good saffer”
“Let me get a beer in my hand first!”
“Hey Grant how’s it going” I asked
“Well apart from some over demanding people nearby its cool. The missus is wearing me out and I’m taking enough Viagra to impress a lion.”
“So just how flexible is she” inquired Barry “I saw her little demonstration the other week!”
“Mate, that was nothing, why do think I’m so tired. Not to mention thirsty. O! Rosie where’s my beer”
“There are other customers here you know and anymore lip and I’ll bar you!” beamed Rosie
“Anyway, here’s your money…thanks for helping me out, both of you” sighed grant wearily
“Cheers”
“No worries Grant”
“NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT” shouted Grant as a 10 out of 10 lass went slowly passed by the window
“She’s the new school teacher from across the road and she’ll be in here soon” Joe mentioned to no one in particular
“That will explain why there are several police officers standing outside. Schools out!”
“Did you see those kids fight last week…funny as fuck!”
“If it happens again one of us should record it and post it on YouTube”
“So what time does she come in then Joe?” asked grant
“You are old enough to be her father” was his reply
“And you’re a lecherous sod as well” Steve helpfully added
“Finally….cheers Rosie I am sinner and you are a saint” grant whispered as he moved the pint glass level with his dry parched mouth.


TRAVEL


“I was beginning to wonder where you were” said Joe as I walked into the Milly
“Sorry, didn’t realise I was late”
“Usual Andy”
“Why not Rosie but make it a cold one will ya”
“So….” asked Joe
“So….what?” I inquired
“Why are you late?”
“Joe it’s only three in the afternoon. Didn’t you have anyone to talk too?”
“Only monosyllable Dave” was the answer

Now I understood the reason for his mood. Monosyllable Dave is the kind of person you talk at, not with. To be honest having a chat with a glove puppet is more fun, trust me I’ve done it!

“Well…if you must know I was sorting out some of the photos of my travels and I just lost track of time” I said
“Here you are Andy”
“Thanks Rosie“” after my thirst was quenched I explained the reason for it “I tell you what: that hill seems to be getting steeper every time I walk up it to get here”
“No its not, you’re just a short fat chain-smoking unfit bastard” she answered

Once the laughter had died down Joe asked “”so why were you sorting out the pictures?”
“I was trying to find one that I took a few years ago. I’m thinking about getting it blown up and framed”
“Which one is it?” asked Rosie
“It was one I took whilst cruising upstream along the Yangtze River, the sun was setting and the light was reflecting of the waters”
“Where” uttered a confused Joe
The Yangtze river”
“I heard you the first time but where is it!”
“God Joe, didn’t you do geography when you were at school?”
“Of course I did but it was a long time ago”
“That maybe the case but the Yangtze river hasn’t moved across any international borders recently”
“Are you going to bloody well tell me where this fucking river is anytime soon?”
“Calm down Joe, china”
“Thank you…see that wasn’t so hard after all. So what were you doing in china?”
“Holiday”
“I’ve always wanted to go to china” sighed Rosie
“It’s not that hard, there’s at least one flight a day from Heathrow”
“I know that you fool; it’s paying for the ticket that’s the problem”
“Shoes!”
“What?”
“Shoes…buy less of them and you’ll have the money”
“If you were any closer I’d slap you”
“He would only enjoy it Rosie” laughed Joe

“China was a country that I had always wanted to go to. When I heard about the construction of the dam across the Yangtze River and the resulting flooding of the famous three gorges I knew where I was heading to on my next holiday.” I explained

I’ve was lucky in a way with my old job, it was a very seasonal and from April to the end of October I was busy as. November, December and January were, well let’s just say that the internet was used a lot! I struck a deal with the boss, I wouldn’t take anytime off during the busy summer months and in exchange I could take all of my holiday entitlement in one go. Occasionally I took unpaid leave as well.

“Are we in china yet?” pleaded Joe
“You let him tell his story his way”
“Thank you Rosie. Now where was I?”
“Not even on the plane by the sound of it” Joe dejectedly said
“Anyway…I originally thought about travelling around china by myself as an independent traveller like what I usually do. In the end I decided to go on an organised tour instead, although I did have my reservations about that.”
“Like what” asked Rosie
“Well the max group size was 12, chances are everyone isn’t going to get along and as it was a 17 day tour I was concerned about this”

However in the end it worked out really well. The tour ended about a week before Christmas so there was only 4 people in the group. Me, a bloke from NYC, an English lass from one of the Home Counties, and a Taiwanese Aussie lass called Audrey. I still email Audrey every once in a while.

“And let me guess you all got on really well with midnight feasts and other assorted high jinks” a rather fed up Joe said
“You know you can always go back to chatting at Dave, I’m sure he’ll enjoy your sarcasm!”

“Afternoon people”
“Hey Barry, long day?”
“Longer than everyone else by the looks of it!”
“Arh…Barry’s life is so hard. You poor little thing” cooed Rosie
“What I need is a cold pint of beer with condensation running down the outside of the glass” demanded Barry

Rosie stared daggers as she pulled the pint. Somehow Barry had pissed her off. No one knows how this happens but Rosie can go from smiles to tears in under 3.8 seconds some days. It then takes about 10 minutes to get back to smiles, usually in the bar office slumped over a chair.

“What’s the conversation about” inquired Barry
“Andrew was boring us with his travel monolog of china” explained Joe
“Hey it could be worse;” I said “you could be telling us all about your yearly 2 week holiday to your brother’s pub in Morecombe”
“They say that travel broadens the mind, so that explains Joe’s” laughed Barry
“Fuck off you cunt” smiled Joe
“Joe“ I said “you’re just jealous that unlike you, everybody else in this pub has gone passed a sign that said thank you for visiting England, please come again soon”
“Listen I could go aboard but honestly what’s the point”
“He’s got a point” I said “I mean could you imagine Joe on a plane! A 747 just can’t carry that much beer”
“Come on Joe, don’t sulk” Barry said and then gladly added. “Why don’t you buy us all a beer to cheer you up!!

Joe slowly walked past Barry with a 1000 yard stare on his face and made his way to the bog. 8.5 seconds later Barry had nicked his barstool.

“What!” inquired Barry when I looked at him “I can’t see his name on it?”
“True, you just beat me to it” I laughed
“So where are you going this year”
“I not to sure if I am, what with the job change and all. Maybe I’ll do like everybody else and go for 2 weeks in the summer. It would make a change from a long haul holiday”
“Damn you have a hard life” Rosie said cheerfully

It looked like Rosie was all smiles again and Barry could edge back towards the bar once again.

“What! Only compared to your’s Rosie. I mean lets face it you aren’t exactly rushed off your feet with customers at the minute are you?”
“This job is so boring sometimes. It’s always better when you are busy, the time just goes faster.”
“So Rosie you’re an Aussie, why did you come here” spoke Barry
“Well I needed a job and the Milly was hiring”
“Not that girl, I mean why come to England?”
“Everyone needs to live in paradise, if only for a little while” I joked
“I don’t know, you just do” was her obvious answer
“How long have you got left on your visa?” I asked
”My mum’s English” beamed Rosie “so I can stay for as long as I want to!”
“That’s a shame” risked Joe “one more please Rosie my love” Joe turned towards Barry and said “”and you can get your fat arse of my barstool as well”

Barry grudgingly conceded ground to the elder statesman of the independent republic of the Milly.

“So apart from Acton” said Barry “where else in England have you been Rosie”
“Well…I’ve been to Cardiff to watch the rugby”
“That’s Wales, not England” pointed out Barry helpfully
“When I was with Paul we spent a week in the west country”
“What you and Paul aren’t together anymore” Joe asked with a hint of self interest in his voice
“Nah, we broke up last month” said a slightly sad looking Rosie
“Cheer up Rosie” I said “there’s always Barry to keep you warm at night”
“But only if you promise to treat him right, he’s a sensitive soul” laughed Joe so hard that he almost fell of his stool.
“I can go off people” stated Barry “besides, remember the golden rule of drinking number 3”
“What!” I demanded
“Well it’s never worth it, sleeping with the bar staff I mean. What happens when you piss them off?”
“Don’t you mean if”
“Nah, it’s never if but always when. Afterwards…you just try and get served”

Rosie walked away laughing towards another thirsty customer.


Work


“You’re early today”
“Mmm…does mean that I get a free beer then?” I asked of Rosie
“No but you can have a cold one. I’ve kept one aside, just for you”
“Now I’m scared…what exactly is it that you want Rosie”
“Can’t a barmaid look after one of the regulars without them being all suspicious?” whined a insulted Rosie
“Of course they can but just not in the Milly”
“You’re not very trusting are you?”

She was right about that but it works for me so I don’t feel like I need to change anytime soon.

“Afternoon mate, how’s it going?”
“Just peachy Steve but do you know why Rosie is being nice today”
“Yep” was his monosyllable answer
“And you’re going to be telling me when?”
“After you’ve brought me a beer obviously” said the smirking saffer
“Fair enough I’m sure I owe you one anyway”

Damn it…I hate buying information but sometimes you really do need to know. Especially when it’s Rosie and she’s being nice. I mean it just doesn’t happen!

“Oi Rosie pull us a pint for Steve will ya” I shouted. I turned back round again to face Steve and spoke “Now Steve; dish the dirt!”
“okay, well it turns out that young Rosie here is applying for the assistant managers position and the new area manager is coming in today for the interview. As Rosie doesn’t know what he looks like she’s being nice to everyone just in case he walks through the door”
“And I brought you a beer for that. I feel cheated!”
“Tough and you know what this beer tastes sweeter than the one I paid for”
“Hope you choke!” and I only half meant it!

“Hey Rosie, why are you being stupid!” I said
“What do you mean, and answer carefully!” she replied
“Steve just told me you’re going for the Assistant manager’s job. Why would you want to work longer hours, for less money and have more responsibility?”
“Andrew, it’s called having a career”
“You know, like what you used to have” said Steve
“Rosie, any job can be dressed up into a career! It’s a good way of getting people to work for crap terms and conditions. I’m always amazed how gullible some people can be” I was speaking the truth!
“Mate, I’ve a career so watch what you’re saying alright”
“Steve you’re a bloody gardener, sorry landscape consultant!”
“Exactly my point, it’s a career!”
“Maybe you think it is but you have a shit boss”
“Andrew, isn’t Steve self employed?” asked Rosie
“Yep!” was my reply
“Oi!” said an outraged Steve
“Cheer up Steve at least this way no one can sack you, unlike last time”
“You know I saw that fucker last week onsite. I tell you I very nearly went up and decked him; he still owes me a couple of hundred quid from the last job!”
“And the chances of you ever seeing that money are what?”
“I’m guessing zero” said the under worked barmaid
“Haven’t you got any customers to serve, I mean what would the area manager think if he came in right now and saw you chatting away as opposed the serving that customer!”
“Maybe it’s him? Now that would be funny!” I laughed

Rosie danced along the bar and served the man a pint with a winning smile.

“So how was your weekend?” asked Steve
“Crap if you must know, the weather was not dive friendly and so the weekends diving was cancelled.” was the only I could give
“So no lobsters or crabs for Joe then”
“Nope but if he starts whinging about it I’ll be he bitch man slapping him”
“Well it’s not like you’re charging him any money, why is that? I damn sure would”
“Mate if you do something that you love, never earn money from it, otherwise one day it will turn into work and let’s face it who would want that to happen. Well apart from you”
“Mate, money is money and I need all I can get”
“How much did you lose playing poker? And does the missus know about it yet!”
“It’s not that, I’m thinking about starting a partnership with my mate Greg. Things cost money
“Like beer you cheapskate”
“Cheers once again Andrew”


“Alright boys” said Joe as he entered the premises
“Hey Joe” I asked “has that shirt finally been ironed or did you just sleep very still whilst wearing it last night?”
“Where’s my lobster then” Joe asked demandingly “and piss off about the shirt!”
“Told ya didn’t I” I told Steve
“You ain’t lying” was his reply
“Wot you on about Steve” asked Joe
“Joe, the diving got blown out, so no seafood for you. However, if you like you can buy me a beer instead” I said
“When hell freezes over I will” was Joe’s answer
“You do know I’m going to hold you to that!”
“Well you’ll be down there when it happens!”
“Good afternoon gentlemen” said Indian Steve as he walked into view.
“Hey Steve, haven’t seen you down here for a long time, why is that?” inquired Steve

Before Indian Steve could answer, Joe jumped in!

“It’s because he was barred, him and big john got into a shouting match one Saturday night and they both got thrown out”
“Thank you Joe, as always your information is based on guesses and 3rd hand gossip” replied Indian Steve
“Hahaha…you’re so right!” I mocked
“So what’s the real reason then?” asked Steve
“You know how it is. Big john is a royal pain in the arse, I can’t stand the man“. Said Indian Steve
“He’s alright but he does bullshit far too much” answered Steve
“And he thinks he’s a wide boy as well” I added
“What ya mean”
“Oh come on, he’s always going on about some scheme he has to help himself to differing companies’ merchandise”
“Yeah but have you ever seen any, of course not he’s all talk and no action” was Indian Steve’s answer


By the way Indian Steve isn’t from India but he does love the sunshine. Every chance he gets he’s sunbathing and within a few days you would think he was a native of Southall!

“You working at the minute?” I asked
“Yeah, still sitting in the JCB at terminal 5” Indian Steve answered
“So let me guess why you’re here. New landlord, clean slate”
“Hoping my dear fellow, hoping”

Just then Brad came out of the office after the ever efficient Rosie had spent the last 20 seconds briefing him on the undesirable list. Indian Steve is on it, I never will be!

“So Steve, Rosie was just telling me all about you” stated brad
“Well now, I’m sure what she said was true, she’s a great girl is our Rosie”
“Okay, you’re back in but any sign of trouble and you’ll be straight back out again understand”

Before Indian Steve could acknowledge the reprieve and the implied threat Joe chirped in

“Well then, in that case Steve you can by me a beer to help you celebrate”

It never did happen!



Religion

As I walked through the door Joe exclaimed

“Jesus Christ!”
“Is that a question or a statement Joe?”
“What the fuck are you wearing? Did you lose a bet or something?”
“Joe you are as funny as you are handsome and let’s face it you have a face only a mother could love!”
“Fuck off you cunt” a smiling Joe said
“Anyway what I’m wearing is an expression of my personal freedom”
“Mate, I think you’ve gone too far with what you are tying to express”
“Joe, you dress like the man at C and A, so button your lip”
“Hiya Andrew, usual I take it?” asked Rosie
“That would be glorious young Rosie!”
“Afternoon people“, Barry said as he walked though the door adding the words “usual please Rosie”
“Barry; tell me who did it and I promise to track them down and punish them” stated Joe
“What are you on about Joe?”
“You know, the person wot cut your hair”
“Sometimes I’m really glad I am bald” I said. “At least this way I can avoid mistakes as bad as that!”
“You’re only jealous, both of you” spoke an offended Barry. “Lets face it; each of you would love to have hair as lush as mine”
“Maybe” I said “but you can definitely keep the face it’s trying to cover”
“Barry, here’s the pint, now where is the money!” demanded Rosie
“There you go Rosie. Anyway how’s it going this fine and sunny afternoon?”
“What’s wrong with you today Barry?” asked Joe
“What do ya mean?”
“I think he is asking why the hell you are so cheery. It’s very unlike you!” Was my reply
“Maybe he’s got a new housemate” Joe inquired
“Could be” I said “I mean masturbation only puts a smile on your face for so long”
“This is me ignoring the both of you” a petulant Barry said

Barry gets a little petulant at times. Both Joe and I enjoy these moments; we try and drag them out for as long as possible.

“Say Joe, what did Rosie really mean when she kept on asking as both if Barry was coming into day?” I asked
“You know mate, now that you mention it, there could be any number of innocent reasons behind that question.”
“True but lets look on the non innocent side shall we”
“Well…maybe she needs some company and her standards have plummeted”
“Will you two shut up about Rosie!” Barry nearly shouted
“Why?” asked Joe
“I give up, I’m off to the back bar for a game of pool”
“Didn’t Rosie just go to the back bar?” Joe asked me
“You know Joe I think you’re right” I said “now maybe that’s just a coincidence?”
“Hiya mate” said Joe as grant shuffled in.
“Hey Joe, Andrew how’s it!”
“God you look like shit grant” was my honest reply
“Thanks for that, it’s always nice to know you can look to your friends for support”
“What happened this time?”
“Well it all began last Tuesday night”
“Basically he got caught putting his cock into someone that wasn’t his missus” Joe helpfully explained!
“Grant, just ignore him. I don’t mean he’ll go away but it’s a start” I said
“Cheers for the advice but like everyone who drinks in this pub I’m well aware of it” grant retorted
“Joe, you can always go and play pool with Barry if that is what he is doing.” I said
“I’ll be quiet, honest!” was Joe’s answer

So grant pulled up a stool and told us the sorry tale from start to tragic finish.

“Grant” I said” You really are a fucking dumb saffer sometimes. Why did you think that she wouldn’t find out?”
“I know, I know but what would you of done?” begged grant
“Um…not allowed myself to get into a situation like that would be a good place to start”
“Let me guess grant, it just popped out of your jeans all by itself!” said Rosie in an accusing way
“No, she helped me get it out and in my defence I was very drunk!” replied grant
“Oh, well in that case I really can’t understand why your missus chucked you out”

Sometimes it’s nice not to be the most sarcastic person in the room but only sometimes.

“I asked grant “So, what are you going to do next?”
“Knowing me; get drunk again”
“So it’s your round then grant, wouldn’t want you to get drunk all by yourself. I mean that would just be depressing!” said Joe
“Rosie” I asked “drinks all round except for Joe. He can buy his own”
“So, just the two pints then. What are you drinking grant, Stella?”
“Very funny and no I didn’t Rosie. I may be a bastard but I’m not a cunt!”
“No, but you do have a trash can for a mouth!”

Rosie walked to the furthest pumps to pour the pints. It took a while as she was on the phone.

“So Grant any chance she’ll take you back?”
“If you were her Andrew, would you?”
“Nope, nada, nein” Joe butted in with his 2 pence worth
“I’m with Joe on that answer”
“Yeah, that’s why I want to get drunk; well and truly.” a despondent grant said

Just then two things happened, Steve walked in and Barry very slyly reappeared.

“I’ve just heard!” shouted Steve “Grant, you dumb saffer what the fuck were you thinking?”
“If I knew what I was thinking I wouldn’t be here now would I”
“Rosie, get a pint for Steve as well” I mentioned
“You’re a fucking idiot” replied Steve
“What’s going on?” asked Barry

Joe happily explained it all to Barry as the pints were served and lips whetted.

“So what your saying is that your missus is (A) single and (B) on the look out for a rebound shag!” said Barry
“Don’t even think about it!” grant uttered, rising to the bait
“Too late, he already has” spoke Joe
“Yeah but she’s not his housemate” I joked

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a look on Rosie’s face

“So Rosie, have you found a new place to stay yet?” I asked

Slowly we all turned to look at Barry…..


Being alive


Sometimes I walk the long way to the pub. Not for the exercise you understand but just because I can.
Take today for example. The early morning thunderstorm has cleared the air, the sun is drying out the ground and the air is….well its London so its polluted with the exhaust fumes of buses, the sound of car horns etc. however, if I turn my MP3 player up loud enough all I can hear is “the call of the valley”

“Afternoon brad”
“Usual?” he asked
“Yep but why the honour?”
“What honour?”
“Of you serving me? I mean it rarely happens these days”
“Rosie is running late”
“Lunchtime shag with Barry in an empty room across the road” said Joe
“So finally, they have come out into the open” I exclaimed

Just then a flustered Rosie breezed in

“Sorry I’m late brad”

Brad left the half poured pint to Rosie to finish off.

“Hey Rosie, what gym do you belong to?”
“I don’t Andrew, what makes you ask”
“It was just that Joe mentioned you were having a lunch time work out today”

Now, I maybe short, I maybe fat but I have cat like reflexes!

“Come now Rosie be nice to the customers, besides the secret is well and truly out now!” chuckled Joe
“Joe; go and get a life!” Rosie ordered back
“He did but he took it back to the shop and got a refund” I said
“Oi!” shouted Joe
“Now now Joe” Rosie smoothly said “I’m sure that away from this pub which you are in everyday you have a rich and rewarding life”
“You really believe that Rosie?” I asked

A short while later Rosie and I stopped laughing; well we stopped laughing at Joe anyway.
It’s nice when Joe sits on his stool and fumes. Times like this I wish my mobile had a camera in it.

“Come on Joe, show us all a smile” beamed Rosie
“Even if it’s a crooked one you busted up old timer” I added
“Who are you calling an old timer?”
“That would be you Joe” said Rosie “There ain’t any other old gits around here today”
“Rosie” I said “sometimes its better to lie and keep the customer happy, even when its Joe and you know he‘s not likely to change pubs anytime soon”
“I might move now if she keeps having a go at me” said Joe in a faintly shocked tone
“cheer up Joe, read the paper out loud and let us all hear about Newcastle’s amazing victory yesterday“ I asked “even if it was an own goal what got you the victory!”
“Mate, a win is a win is a win”
“So how many points away from relegation are you now?”

Before Joe could answer Barry walked through the door

“Hey Barry, were you standing outside the door for long?” asked Joe
“Just long enough to make it look like they didn’t cross the road together 5 minutes ago, if that’s what you mean?” I added
“Okay, okay, you win alright!” an exacerbated Barry said
“So what happened to rule number 3?”
“Rules are there for ignoring. Just doing what you what to do is the right thing to do. Andrew you of all people should understand that!”
I have no idea what you are on about!” I said
“And” demanded Joe
“And what”
“Tell me what you have done!”
“No”
“Okay, then I will” said Barry
“Alright, you win” I said “I will tell you but 1st”
“1st what” a slightly puzzled Joe said
“You have to buy me a beer!” was my answer

Joe paused for thought and then reached into his back pocket. Damn, Joe was getting his wallet out! This I did not foresee.

“Rosie, bottle of dog for baldy please!” and turning to me Joe said “Now mate, what have you done?”
“Um…well I’ve just decided what do to for the next 5 years or so”
“And that is what?”
“Joe you know the rules! One question, one beer, one answer!”
“You cunt!”
“Watch your language you plastic toon”
“Come on Andrew” said Rosie “play nice and answer the question”

This I did

“Well I’ve put the flat up for sale on the weekend. Didn’t you wonder why I was decorating it? I mean it’s not something anyone does for fun.”
“And that’s it, you’re selling up!” exclaimed Joe
“Selling up and then that’s me the hell out of here”
“What out of Acton”
“No Joe, the country. I’m off round the world. Just me, a tent and my tricycle”
“You’re what!” laughed Rosie
“Tricycle, or if you want to get all technical and manly about it a recumbent trike” I said
“For real!” said Joe
“Yep, I mean if not now, then when”
“Good on ya mate”
“So how much planning have you done?” inquired Barry
“The usual amount” I replied
“So none at all then I take it” he answered
“That’s pretty much sums it up”
“I don’t believe you” said Rosie
“I’m shocked by that last remark, why wouldn’t I”
“Well, just look at you”
“Mate, she’s making a valid point!” Joe added
“Yea of little faith! When I decide to do something, it gets done. Obviously it’s not on any timescale that you would understand let alone recognise”
“So what are you trying to say then?” asked Rosie
“What he is trying to say is that it’s going to take him a bloody long time!” explained Joe
“Maybe even longer!” chipped in Barry
“Thank you all for your support!” was my final reply



What happens when the pub is closed for a refurbishment



The easy and relaxing gait of my walk came to a sudden halt as I bounced off the Milly’s door. Locked! Resisting the urge to panic I calmly checked the time. It had certainly gone midday, now it was definitely time to start panicking.
A tapping sound caught and held my attention. Slowly my eyes focused on the object making the noise, it was Brad. Moments later the door opened and normality returned.

“What do you want?” he asked
“World peace, an end to poverty, famine and a beer. Why?”
“Andrew, you’ve forgotten haven’t you”
“Forgotten what?”
“The pub is shut for the next two weeks, its getting refurbishment”

As my world descended into the blackness of despair I heard myself mouthing the words “so where’s everyone gone?”

“The Talbot”

Bugger!!!!

The centre of Acton has 14 pubs, 13 of which aren’t the Mill Hill Hotel. I was wondering why everyone had gone to the Talbot. Then I remembered, it’s the closest pub to the Milly but only by about 3 metres! However it is downhill so I can understand why it was the one that was chosen. Oh well.
Walking through the door and into the Talbot I spied an old and familiar face…

“Alright mate” I said slightly shocked at seeing an old face “how’s it going?”
“Once Joe and Barry walked in I was wondering when you would be showing up”
“Hey Barry, Joe. Damn Dave I haven’t seen you for what, a year now! Where have you been?”
“Um…in the Talbot!” he said

Now some people say “it’s a small world”, don’t believe them, its huge! The Talbot is only 800 metres from the Milly.

“Arh” was the only word that I could find to answer the remark

Dave used to be the head barman at the Milly till the “landlord whose name shall never be uttered” turned up. A fortnight later Dave walked out, quite dramatically as I recall.

“Usual mate?” said Dave, impressing me with his memory
“What you serve dog here?” I asked
“Yep, have been since I got the gig here”
“What head barman?”
“No, manager!”

The Talbot’s failure to sell my favourite tipple was one of the reasons it got crossed off my list of “pubs to drink in” when I first moved to Acton. The main reason was because it was a shithole. Times have certainly changed.

“Well it looks a lot more inviting than the last time I came in here”
“When was that?” Dave asked
“1998, in October on a Saturday afternoon around 3pm I seem to recall”
“You are such a pub snob” said Barry
“Breeding will tell in the end peasant boy” was my answer
“To be fair to Andrew, it was a shithole back then” said Joe
“Thank you Joe, you are a gentleman and a scholar!”

Relax: my fingers were crossed when I said those words!

“So Dave, is Brittney still your girlfriend?”
“Nope, she hasn’t been that for about six months now Andrew”
“Don’t worry too much about it, she was a stuck up cow” said Barry
“Mmm, Barry she’s now my wife” was Dave’s reply

You could almost see the ground opening up around Barry as he willed it to happen.

“Relax” said Dave “she thinks you were an arrogant, idle, ugly bastard!”
“Barry, it’s like she knows the real you!” laughed Joe
“Fancy a game Joe?” I asked
“Why not, this time you might surprise me and win!”
“Stranger things have happened mate, didn’t Newcastle win the league once.”
“Yeah they did” Barry said and then added “but it was the second division!”

I and Joe left Barry behind and bimbled over to the table. Joe and I have been playing pool against each other for years. What he lacks in talent he makes up for with luck!

“You rack Joe and I’ll break”

We always play the best of three frames. It follows the same course every time.

“Once again nowt down on the break!”

I let Joe win the 1st frame

“Not to bad a shot Joe but once again your positional play has let you down”

Joe lined up his shot and took it!

“You fluked it Joe, admit it!”

The 2nd game I always win, usually by a country mile.

“My turn already is it? Tell you what sit down and take the weight off your feet; I’ll be here for a while”

On the 3rd and final game I race ahead and get on the black whilst Joe still has 3 or 4 colours left to pot.

“You jammy cunt!”
“Played for and got Joe, played for and got!”

Then I keep missing the black till Joe catches up

“Damn, that was close, your turn Joe”

Once he does I “miss” the black leaving him an easy shot to win, sometimes he sinks it on the 1st attempt. Why do I do this? Seeing his little face light up when he “wins” is reward enough. Plus, when it’s a case of winner stays on beating him by 5 or 6 balls is much more enjoyable.

“You back already?” Said Barry stating the obvious
“Yep, Joe was once again too good for me”
“You know Andrew, one day he might figure out you let him win”
“Barry I think he already knows!”


Politics

“In a word, I would rather pluck out all my pubic hair one by one with a pair of tweezers”
“That’s actually 20 words Andrew, so 19 words too many I’m afraid!”
“Steve I thought you just read the Mail for stories on Princess Diana’s death and to do the crossword!”
“What do you mean?”
“Mate…you just told me you voted Tory!”

Maybe it’s a generation thing. Those that were working a three day week in the 70’s remember not to vote labour, those that were teenagers in the 80’s remember Thatcher! Personally I could never bring myself to vote for a party that chose her as their leader!

“And what, the Labour Party is better?”
“No! They just ain’t worse and trust me sometimes that is enough, just.”
“That’s not a good enough reason”
“Politics”
“Meaning?”
“12 down!”

Indian Steve looked down at the crossword

“You bastard”
“Oh come on, the clue was obvious, well to people that know about that particular subject. Which seeing that was the one clue you were struggling with, doesn’t include you”
“Hey Joe” said Indian Steve
“What are you two talking about?” he asked
“Steve was just explaining how it was, in this day and age okay to support a neo fascist party” I explained
“What you mean like the BNP”
“No joe, worse, the conservative party!”

Indian Steve and Joe looked at each other and nodded in unison. Damn, I’m surrounded by Tories….help!

“Well I fell sorry for the both of you” I said “especially you Joe, seeing that you come from a deprived area”
“What shepherds bush”
“No, the north east of England!”

Sometimes the absence of vocal communication is welcome. However when people i.e. Joe resort to non verbal means of communication it actually hurts!

“What the fuck was that for” I said as Joe finished kicking me in the shins.
“You need to respect yours elders more”
“Yes dad”
“That’s alright my son”
“Dad? Where’s my pocket money?”
“Fuck of you cunt”
“And you wonder why us youngsters end up like wot we do?”
“At a guess, your parents” said Indian Steve
“What, my mum and dad did the best they could, considering what they had to work with”
“Exactly my point fat boy!” was his answer
“And there I was just about to put my hand in my pocket and get you old git’s a drink”
“Now Andrew, I’m sure your parents told you it was wrong to lie, especially about serious things.
“You know what, tomorrow I’m going to nick your paper and do the crossword before you. I’ll make sure that every answer is completely wrong but somehow deliberately insulting to you”

A gust of wind blew open the door and Rosie walked in dragging Barry by the hand.

“Okay I’m in now!” Barry said pleadingly
“Do you know something?” offered Rosie

Foolishly I answered!

“How did you know?”

I pointed slowly to the window and explained to Rosie that you could see through it both ways

“Barry” I said “could you please explain to all of us why you don’t want anyone to see you holding hands with your woman!”
“Yeah“jumped in Joe “…you were more than happy to show us all pictures of you and your last girlfriend. Even when we didn’t want to see them!”

Sometimes lying is so much fun! But not right now, well only if your name is Barry.

“So Barry, will you be wanting a beer today?” I asked
“I hear the Red Lion is nice this time of day!” added Joe
“Rosie; shouldn’t you be behind the bar by now!” demanded Indian Steve

How not to get served anytime soon
Lesson 1: say what Indian Steve just said
Lesson 2: like him actually mean it

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear

12 minutes later

“Where did Indian Steve go?” asked Barry
“Rosie wouldn’t serve him so he went to the red Lion” said Joe
“And you missed the perfect get the hell out of here excuse didn’t ya!” said I

Barry remained quiet as his beloved Rosie was within earshot and even if she wasn’t the other bar staff were…he ain’t no fool

“Barry as I see it you have certain choices (1) change pubs (2) get Rosie sacked or then there is the drastic choice (3) teetotalism!”
“Don’t mention the “T” word; are you trying to kill him?” a concerned Joe exclaimed
“For god sake Barry breathe!!!!!” I begged
“What are you two doing to my little hunny bunny?” cried Rosie
“Honey bunny?” asked Joe
“No Joe its hunny bunny!” I explained
“No, no, no, no, no, no…” went Barry



Wage slave



“Rosie, pass us the paper will you”
“Which one do you want Andy?”
“I’ll let you guess which one it is”

Rosie reached over, picked up her choice of newspaper and passed it over.

“Rosie” I said “I wanted a newspaper. The daily sport can’t truthfully be called a newspaper! However I’ll let you off this time”

Let’s face it on a cold, wet and windy afternoon sometimes but only sometimes mind you a little bit of T&A is required to push back the drabness of the day. Plus the sport section is quite good, that’s why people buy it, honestly!

“I see you’re interested in sport, not!” laughed Rosie
“Oi, I’m making my slowly to the back section”
“Sure you don’t mean the rear section” Rosie giggled back.

Just then the door opened and sense and reason returned. Oh, and Joe walked in as well.

“You look like I feel Joe” I said
“What, a bedraggled duck”
“What did you just say Joe!” demanded Rosie
“Duck” he answered “you’ve a dirty little mind sometimes Rosie”
“I blame Barry, before he came along she was such a good girl” I commented.
“Usual please Rosie” asked Joe

Joe stayed standing at the bar as little drops of water succumbed to gravity and splashed down onto the floor.

“Shit day” I said
“Yep, but at least now I’m here” replied Joe
“And I’m sure come closing time the rain will have stopped” I answered back

Glancing out of the window all I saw were miserable downcast faces sheltering from the rain as best they could. Walking past my view point, they were already thinking of where they were going, somewhere warm and dry not doubt.

“Are you deaf today?”
“What was that Joe?”
“I said are you deaf today”
“Sorry, still can’t hear you”
“I said are you…fuck off you cunt” a smiling Joe said
“Mate, the old ones are the best” I replied “what were you saying anyway?”
“I was asking you whether or not you were going to be here on Saturday afternoon”
“Ah yes, the Newcastle V Chelsea match. You up for a little wager?”
“Normal stakes?” inquired Joe

When Joe and I have a bet between one another, the normal stake is 10 pence. It’s not about the money rather its all about one person losing and physically having to pay up. Surprisingly, we both like to gloat!

“Don’t see why not” was my reply “it’s been a few weeks since you last lost”
“Come Saturday, we’ll see who has the best team”
“Joe, its Chelsea, we both already know this”
“Anyway, how’s life at the college” I asked of Joe
“Mate, some of those students are unbelievably stupid”
“Explain?” I asked
“Well I was doing a propagation practical”
I interrupted Joe “using sharp little knives”
“Yep, you know what I’m going to say next!”
“How many fingers?”
“Four, can you believe it”
“Sure can Joe, sure can”
You can explain it to people till you are blue in the face”
“But will they listen” I spoke, finishing Joe’s sentence for him.

“Afternoon kids” said Barry as he walked in, shaking the excess water of his umbrella
“Usual babe” asked Rosie
“Love to but I’ll just settle for a beer instead”

Joe and I exchanged looks; both of us didn’t like what we saw!

“So Barry, things going well?”
“Sure are Joe”
“Um…Barry” I said
“Yes Andrew”
“Can you do me a favour and put it away!”

Barry paused, the look of puzzlement slowing passing over his face like a storm cloud on a sunny day

“Barry” whispered Rosie “your flies are undone!”
“And since when did you start going commando” a very shocked and disturbed Joe asked him

When Barry is embarrassed the whole world knows about it! Then the world never lets him forget about it.
It was quite quiet for a minute of two, all of us waiting for Barry to say something. An apology was what was needed.

“Did you see the local news show last night?” said Barry

That was so far from an apology as it’s possible to get!

“You must mean that story about the pervert that’s going around west London exposing himself” asked Joe
“I saw that, didn’t the reporter mention that he spoke with a north of Ireland accent” I asked
“Barry, where were you last Thursday evening between six and seven” I asked
“Fuck off!!!”
“Barry mate, its less than you deserve” remarked Joe

Within the hour, Barry got what he deserved and then it was never mentioned again. Well, until the next time either Joe or myself told someone all about the horror!


The following week:

“Rosie, another bottle of dog if you please”
“Another one Andy, how many is that now?”
“4 or 5, I think”
“Thirsty are you?”
“No, my back is killing me”
“Take some painkillers then!”
“I am, it’s called beer and its working wonders for me”
“How did you do your back in?” asked Joe
“It was on Saturday morning taking this huge American style fridge into some crappy little 2nd floor flat in wands worth!” I answered
“Damn!”
“And you know the stupid thing?”
“What” asked Joe?
“The guy what ordered it lived alone and the fridge basically occupied about a 5th of his kitchens floor space”
“Sounds like more money than sense” remarked Rosie
“yep but the thing is, its back to work tomorrow morning and chances are I’ll be putting something large and heavy onto the truck!”
“Take a couple of day off then” said Joe
“Mate, I work for an agency”
“And”
“They treat the staff worse than I ever did”
“Shit, that bad!” laughed Joe
“Oi!”
“You know what I mean”
“Sadly Joe I do” was my reply
“So what are you gong to do” asked Rosie
“He’s going to be a big man about it, suck up the pain and get on with the job in hand” explained Joe
“Yeah” I said “what Joe said but with lots of whining, moaning, complaining and big plays for sympathy from my co-worker”
“Do you think that will work” said Rosie
“Course not, Rob’s a bastard!” I explained to Rosie
“Hey Barry” said Joe
“How’s it” he asked
“Glad to see you’re wearing tracksuit bottoms” said Joe
“Do you think fall out boy has learnt his lesson” I asked
“Give it a fucking rest will you” said an exasperated Barry

Did we…of course not! What are friends for after all?




Closing time

We all do a lot of things in life. Many things we do everyday or week. We are comforted that there will be a next time. But what if you knew that there wouldn’t be!

I came in via the side door and paused for effect. Word to the wise, pretending you are in a film noir doesn’t really work on a Monday afternoon!

“Hiya Andy”
“Hey Rosie, looking good as always”

That line has never gotten me a free beer…ever!

“Bottle of dog on the house!”

Until now that is!

“Well….this is a 1st, Andrew is lost for words!”
“Joe, you are as shallow as you are deep”
“Cheers brad!”
“Mate I’m as jealous as I can be” said brad
“Well it only takes a word brad; just a 3 letter word and you could be doing the same”
“What word is that then?” asked Joe
“Yes”
“And what the hell do you mean by the shallow and deep thing?”
“Joe, if you have to ask, then you’ll never understand the answer”
“So when’s the big day?”
“Next Monday Brad!”
“What! Do you mean this is it?”
“Yep, no more Monday afternoon drinking sessions! Well at least for me anyway”
“You know what this means don’t ya” said Joe
“Yep, you’re buying me the next beer and maybe the one after that as well!”

Joe paused, wondering whether or not to argue. However when the unstoppable force and the immoveable object are standing either side of you, do you really have a choice!

“Damn, can’t really say no can I!”
“That was the general idea Joe! Oi Barry, did you bring your camera”
“What for?” has asked
“Joe’s getting a round in”
“Hang on a minute I didn’t agree to that” Joe almost screamed
“To late joe, I’ve already poured the drinks!” explained Rosie

If you thought the movements of the tectonic plates were slow by the time Joe got his wallet out England was on the equator!

“See, it can be done!” I chuckled
“Mmm…but only once” was Joe’s answer

It’s the simple pleasures in life that are the most rewarding. Watching Joe prise a £20 note from his wallet is one of them. Making cooing sounds as you sip the sweet nectar of a free beer is another!

“Enough already. Exactly how old are all of you?”
“Sorry mate” slurped barry “I missed that, I lost myself within this pint of beer. Is it me or is this the best beer ever!
“Its one of my better ones” beamed brad
“Cheer up Joe” I said “for once no one has a bad word to say about you”
“That’s nice but fuck me its expensive!”
“Look on the bright side, next week you’ll have one less pint to buy. Now if that doesn’t make you happy then frankly I don’t know what will”
“So Andrew, are you going to be sending us postcards?”
“Of course brad, well till I get bored of writing them. So you should get a least 5 or 6 of them!”
“And after that” asked Barry
“Barry I have no idea where I’m going to be 7 days time”
“Still in England” guessed Rosie
“Well of course, I can’t travel that fast!”
“No I mean once the post cards run out are we going to know what the hell you are doing or where the fuck you are?” said barry
“Oh that’s easy”
“It is”
“Well maybe not for you, seeing as how you have short, stumpy little fingers. I mean you’re gong to find it hard to type the web address into the browser”
“Andrew, you lost him on the word type” joked Rosie
“Oh yeah I forgot Barry’s a Luddite!”
“Ain’t you left yet?” he asked



Me and Joe had a final game of pool…he let me win