Unfortunately, I (Ben) often find myself to be focused on lack. The things that I don't have or the things I don't have to give. These things are not limited to possessions, they are often the less concrete things like love, mercy, encouragement, safety, compassion etc.
There are so many times I want to be something to and give something to those I care about, and yet I find myself lacking in the capacity to match the fullness of my heart. There have been few times where this has been more evident to me than now. The language barrier has made it incredibly difficult to express my heart and communicate with the people we are meeting. Daily this is compounded. Daily the amount of unexpressed emotions seem to pile up and linger just under the surface and behind the tear ducts. Or, the excitement and joy bubble up and come out in awkward bursts.
Visiting the elderly and mentally ill facility yesterday was both heartbreaking and encouraging. I found myself not wanting to be on the outside looking in but wanting to engage in some way that felt relational. So as I said simple hellos and looked people in the eye as I shook their hand I tried my best to communicate that I saw their value and that they were not alone. I tried to give each person my time.
When we visited the orphanage and everyone began to hold the babies I noticed a boy that was left alone in his crib. As I went to see him I was discouraged from holding him because of his condition. The boy's head was twice the size of a normal head due to "Hydrosyphillis" (I think), which causes excess fluid in the brain, enlarging of the skull and various other complications. So the boy's head was very heavy which made it difficult to hold him for any length of time without it becoming very tiring. I spent the majority of my time there tenderly holding this boy, looking in his eyes and trying to communicate that he was valuable and loved. I desperately wanted to see him healed.
Again I felt my lack today as we distributed 2000Kg of rice to a poor village in the middle of the highlands. We arrived late after various complications and there were hundreds of men, women and children crowded around us who had been waiting. So I along with the team jumped into action, physically separating 200 portions of rice, oil, fish sauce, salt, etc. into bags. I felt like the only thing I had to give was to work as quickly as possible and show the people that we did not want to keep them waiting any longer. I wanted to show them that I genuinely cared.
Through all these circumstances I've found that I can choose to be discouraged by my own inabilities or I can embrace my own limitations. I have heard it said "You cannot receive if you don't believe you need." This admitting my need is the only thing that frees me to receive. As I believe I need, I look to God to make up for my lack. I receive compassion because I need it. I give compassion because I have first received it and therefore have it to give. It is the only thing I know that transcends translation. A smile is a smile and a handshake and a hug say the same thing in every language.
I hope you are feeling the heart of what I (Ben) am trying to unearth.
