It is said absence makes the heart grow fonder, why is that & yet they don't tell you that absence also makes it empty & disappear. Travel can do that, provide you the chance to put enough space, time & distance to either run from love or run to it. Sometimes being miles from anywhere, lost in busy crowds, airports, train stations, laying in bed at night in the quiet of a strange city, provides the time you need to clear the thoughts & enough distraction to move towards the ones which will serve you better & get you up off the floor where you stayed for to long. It does that love, well what people call love. Sadly the word is over used & under estimated; few people really unwrap the word & ask themselves what does it mean for me, what does love mean, what does it look like if I was to write it down & draw a picture.
For too long I thought it mean't committment, it mean't honouring your word, doing what you said, despite how empty & lost you felt, how much it hurt, how it upset others, it was used time & time again to excuse anger, violence, lies & distrust. It wasn't love, it was anything but that. Sometimes you need to go back to the beginning, it's not jumping into the past, yet back at least like one of those points you save on your computer for when it crashes, back to a time before the virus corrupted your hardrive & retrieve the memory from a safety spot, saved in time to reboot the system. The cognitive psychs would be proud, yes the mind is very much like a computer somedays. I had done that several times in my life, held on to memories which served a purpose, to take me back to a time when life was somewhat normal, when I felt good, when I laughed, when my children were happy, when I felt happy; I'd go there to retrieve whatever it was i had lost in the chaos around us & it pulled me out of it time & time again. Only this time it was more an overload & I think I was in the stages of a system crash, there is only so many times you can break something, you can't always put it back together without all the pieces. When the reality hit that I had stayed in something so toxic, so wrong, such a waste of time, that my feelings never mattered, I was not a person, I was a possession, something to be owned, had, told what to do, when to do, questioned if i wore lipstick for no reason at all, on the shoes I wore, the friends I made, how many male friends I had. I had sunk so long into this normality I had forgotten it wasn't normal at all.
We are an interesting species how we treat each other, why we do it. Theory tells us that there is something so deeply innate in us it is above our consciousness, we don't understand it ourselves. Many try to define it, many books written on it, our need to connect to each other, that underlying ache we feel when we don't belong, don't feel worthy, lack attachment. Some search for it using anger, frustration, hate, so desperate they are to stop that feeling of emptiness they will do anything, even hurt others, hurt themselves in the process. They so badly need to feel that love, worthiness & connection they were not afforded in the critical childhood years, they will put fear into someone just to justify keeping them by their side. When you form positive, healthy, loving attachments with another human being, it doesn't have to be an intimate relationship, it can be family, friends, a passionate career. The important thing for you to thrive, to feel that sense of worthiness, to feel alive, at your best is the attachments with your universe are healthy. The world is full of aching, hurt children who have grown & still growing into angry, hurt adults seeking something they have little idea how to find. The missing piece is vulnerability, unless you can be vulnerable, be raw, be in a place, environment, relationship where you can be yourself, it isn't love, it isn't a healthy attachment, its fake, flawed & we shrink to a small portion of who we are mean't to be.
I walk into an Italian store, standing in Slimea waiting for a Dr Smoothie, rushing to a train, heaven forbid even blaring thru the speakers in the ladies room (maybe we pay 1 euro for the music rather than the cleaning service), is James Blunt's Bonfire Heart, the universe has this neat way of shoving messages in our face at times, events, stories, people, music to get our attention, to stop for just a moment & reflect on what where we are at. I feel the need to gently remind the universe by throwing a RM Williams into the unknow (although I would more likely probably hit someone as it is flung randomly into the air) enough with the wake up calls, I get the messages loud & clear, a text would have been easier! "Everyone wants a flame but doesn't want to get hurt", "I've been putting out fires my whole life". Our connections, our sparks in our bonfire hearts are what define us, bring us to our knees, get us through the tough times & point us in the direction we need to go. Though after 2013 I'm starting to wonder if the universe tired of slapping me harder & harder, with gentle nudges, painful as they were, there was a grand decision, a meeting of all the GODs, if we don't use something the size of a 4x2 she just isn't going to get this & all those other painful lessons will go to waste, OK hit her as hard as we can this time, has to do it. There is nothing like giving to something you thought was worth the effort only find out you have lost a grand part of your life going no further, in fact going backwards. I should have listened to my own research, advice & theories, we cannot change someone else, we can only change ourselves. It was over due & it was time for me to change, to cut off something so toxic & painful & nasty, to go back to one of those points in my life when it felt good, I was breathing without assistance, I could think without fear of what was coming next, I could create, imagine, laugh, play. If I didn't do that now, I don't know where we would be, I needed to find that spark in my heart again, as weak as it was, I had to believe it was still there. We either running towards love or away from it, embracing it or pushing it away; we want it the way we need it & discover too many scorched attempts & you'd rather stay in the cold. The difficulty is the further you move away from the fire, the heat, the flame the darker it becomes & harder it is to see anything or anyone, least of all ourselves. The spark as dim as it may be can often only be ignited by someone, something, a time, a place when it was much brighter.
There is no perfection in love, what works for another cannot be replicated. You need to find what fits, what doesn't hurt, what nurtures you, brings out the best. Gone are the days when we are forced into ignorance believing we must honour a committment in order to honour ourselves, its so far from the truth only those happy to devolve as a species will choose this path. You cannot grow if you cease to learn, to develop, if you stop letting people in. If every aspect of your life is rooted in staying a victim of all the tragic events of your life, of what people have done to you, what you have lost, you will be stuck in an abysee of anger & self loathing. You are not a victim of your past, you can only be a victim of your thoughts, there are thousands out there turning every obstacle in their life to a stone to step on & build a bridge up & out of where they are. If you cannot love without selflessness, then how to justify calling it love? Why not get down to something more accurate...your need to control, possess, own, fill your own emptiness & heal your own wounds. Nothing can teach you more about love than the incredible ache, like a knife wedged in your heart that cannot be retrieved, to watch a child die & tell them it is ok to let go, I have gone through many things in life & nothing will ever be that hard. It taught me that when it comes to love, real love, we must let go of what we feel, be transparent in our words, emotions & authentic, to do what is in the best interest of others is the only real love that exists. Real love doesn't ask you to stay it lets you go, real love doesn't make you do anything which is not in your best interest. It doesn't apologise, it doesn't need to; it doesn't feel obligated, there are no excuses & it doesn't ask for them. Oh there are many other forms & you are free to call it what you like, this is my story, my journey & I've seen so many forms of what people call love somedays I wonder if there was hope for the planet at all. If you cannot tap deep into who you are, what makes you tick & answer the questions begging you to connect with another, then at least expand your vocabulary & call it something else. Let's give love a chance to go back to when it was a tragedy to be apart, when honour had nothing to do with a piece of paper & committment, it was standing up for someone, for family, your children, for what you love. Take it back to when love was not a material possession, something you picked up in sale, a new car, a new house; it had a deeper full meaning, a word reserved for the spark in our bonfire hearts.
I held on & make no excuses to anyone for how or why, actually can't tell you why as I don't really understand why I am still here most of the time. I know that putting the needs of my children above all else, listening to what they say they need has helped guide me along the way, despite sometimes as children do, change their minds down the track when it hasn't gone the way they planned. Love is lessons, many many lessons along the way. It's like the love of your children, it's deeper & sealed in authenticity. Real love not the angry self absorbed controlled excuses by those who were either given too much or too little as children & demand they're entitlement just because they can. Real love doesn't ask, it listens, it doesn't demand it waits. It doesn't hurt it understands, it makes no sense, cannot be defined or neatly packaged, it's messy, it doesn't pre judge or pre decide, it gives & Gives, it's raw naked faith laid out as vulnerability. It's letting someone in because a little spark tells you that whilst it doesn't meet everyone else's expectations of what you need (a perfect knight with one hell of a sword, a big castle for all those pets & massive wall to keep the crap out), it's ok to risk & decide you don't need perfect, you need kind, gentle, love, to stand near the fire, the centre of your bonfire heart & keep you warm. Real love waits, it travels miles, it lets you go & doesn't ask you to stay, it knows you will be there, you don't need smothering or controlling, you need to be free to be who you are, wherever that may be.
So I came back to where I brought myself all those years ago, only back then I had no idea why I was backpacking around Europe, why at 18 I felt the urge to jump on a plane within a few weeks & go as far from where I was for as long as I needed. I know now that I needed to come up for air, I needed to 'breathe again'. There is something about the connections I made in the UK, about looking from the window of the plane watching it move further from where you were & know how blessed you are to have something to say goodbye to & yet sometimes saying goodbye is the best thing for you to do. I learned many things this year & never imagined I would be somewhere on the other side of the world in the very place, with the very people who recharged my batteries all those years ago (however I'm sure I'd have a ph.d now if I had more brain cells & less tequila back then). It is freezing cold, we are rugged with layer upon layer, we've eaten enough carbs to last hibernate for an Alaskan winter, yet I'm back already to daily yoga, I've laughed, smiled & enjoyed kisses on both cheeks, hugs like they are the last, romantic accents, watching my feet remember after 20 plus years how to skate; its all coming back & travel brought me here again.
I learned in 2013 that sometimes you need distance & we dont lose our connections no matter how long or how far or how hard life gets, that the universe gives us these sparks, we must find them, nurture them & realise their potential, like a lifeline. It is easy to become lost & disheartened in the lessons, in the suffering, in the hurt; yet don't let it take from you more than you are willing to give. In 2013 I learned people will tell you what they think you need & real friends & family will always be happy with what or who makes you happy, you don't need the rest & put your energy towards relationships which bring out your best, be with people who truly 'get you'. I learned every single person travels with baggage, it's up to us to decide what we are willing to share & what we leave behind, you choose. I learned finding someone who enjoys my company & is more important than a toxic committment, that I cannot & will not be dictated by any person about who I can & cannot love or connect with, if I must wear the results I get to make the decisions. I learned patience is the best friend of trust; you must be patient in order to trust yourself & others, it is doubt & other peoples expectations which erode patience & trust. I learned "should of" is a waste of energy, no one owes you anything & therefore should not be expected to perform on cue. I learned life, breathing, is the greatest gift to be grateful for everytime you roll over wake up & realise you made it to another day. I learned to appreciate the intelligence & help of people, to trust them to guide me through the chaos. I learned love comes in so many shapes & sizes to try not to pass judgement on those who are finding out when, how, who & where. I learned that you can digest as many quotes as you like, work out as hard as you want, you can't fill that void with anything outiside, it will only happen when it is right, when you are ready, when the rest falls into place. Sometimes it takes stripping off all the layers, ripping them off will be painful, yet you can only carry someone elses baggage for so long. I learned that you have to make hard choices to change direction, you need to let your children grow up & make their own choices, as painful as it may be, that saying nothing & letting someone burn themselves with their own anger is more dignified & helps you to sleep at night, that jumping in the ring with them is futile & to let people put out there own flames. Most of all in 2013 I learned to re discover my faith in people, in friends, in family, in myself. I stopped nurturing other people's mistakes & decisions, I let a lot of wasted time go. I nurtured the sparks that nurtured & made me a better person, happier, worthy & nicer person, the rest it was time to let the wind blow them out.
What matters to me is not what someone does for a living, how much money they make or car they drive, it matters whether their presence in my life makes me feel better or worse about myself. It matters when I've worked on an article for months whether they have the time to read it, whether they can remember days that matter, whether they're intentions are good not rooted in self pity. Back to where I was, in the home of one of the longest oldest friends I've had all my life, who calls it how it is, only two people in this world have been able to do that with me & do it in a way that makes me feel better rather than worse & the other, well I'm glad they are in my life right now as well. I realised I am my best when I am around honest people, people I can trust, people who trust themselves to be honest with me, people who have respect for themselves & respect for others, who take responsibility for their actions. It doesn't matter to me if they have on the right shoes or how many degrees or letters they have after their name, it matters if they have values I can appreciate, it matters if they can appreciate all of me, the bits that don't fit into a square or a round shape, the bits are still evolving; it doesn't matter if we don't live in each other's pockets, it matters that time & distance are relative to our sense of purpose in life, it matters that we pick up the phone & have to stop for time to pee or eat, it matters that they can turn up my house or theirs in our onesie & not have to rush & tidy, it matters when someone gives me their undivided attention, even miles away rather them sit in a void of silence next to me with the tv blaring. My day matters, asking me about my day matters, being honest matters, trust matters, love, real authentic love matters. It matters if I matter & it matters that I won't wait forever or to live until the day I wish I'd loved more. I learned that being vulnerable hurts like hell yet it matters, it will matter when it comes to forming connections, healthy positive love filled connections with someone, something, somewhere.
The thing about travel is it reminds me so much of myself, its like a fit made in heaven. There are no guarantees, I cannot tell you I won't stuff up, I won't say I'm perfect & I definitely can't tell you what it is you need. I can tell you that I came back to the place I love, the place that loved me as I was, wild & out of control & took me in & loved me just the same. I travel because I love to push myself outside my limits, to go where I haven't been before, to dig deep & find the sparks I know are there. I had to go, had to be as far from everything that I was the opposite to this as possible. Maybe I was a gypsy in my past life, who knows where this comes from, who knows why anything, we can only hypothesise & do our best. We can learn to let go, we do not possess people, they can never be their best if we restrain them. Open your heart so wide that it lets everything in & the rest out.
Love - our greatest friend. With it we can move mountains, we can overcome any obstacle, we can hold on when we need to let go, we can believe in ourselves, in our possibility, in each other. Love, it really is all you need, food & water, a roof, we can & many do survive for a while without those, yet the human soul needs love, it needs to connect & if you are listening to this & you are lost know that you can only find your way back if you find that spark in your heart, if you let yourself love yourself, people, friends, family. If you trust, if you allow yourself to be vulnerable, step outside your comfort zone, travel, be authentic, show people who you are, stop pretending to fit in when you are born to stand out. Find someone who loves your weirdness, who can listen & listen & listen & still want more, find someone who will wait, years if they have to; find someone who matters to you, whose words you want to hear, whose voice you miss, find someone who brings out the best in you, we all deserve that, all of us, even the ones who are hurting, they need it most xo
I sit in airports, piazzas, on trains & ristorantes & watch people deeply in love, their eye contact, smiles, a touch on the arm, a huge embrace. Caught the movie 'Love actually' last night here on UK tv, funny another little reminder that there are no easy paths to love, it is frought with lost maps, inventing as you go along. There was a great deal of pain for all the people I know this year & around the world, loss, tragedy, illness; these will always be aspects of our lives we cannot control. Yet I hope you take from 2013 that you matter, you are loved & you are worthy. That someone misses you & take into 2014 hopes for a future you can only dream of & find it is a reality, it is time, patience, trust & love that will get you there. Thank you mad, crazy friends, thank you perservering family, thank you generous strangers, thank you YOU, I missed you & glad we are home again xo
You need to step up if you want to climb mountains & reach the top. You need to put your heart out there, without risk there is the sure reality you will never find what you need. There will be hard times, life is there to bring us to the best we can be, you get to choose what you take with you, leave the hurt behind, remember not what you lost or how hard it is, remember people with love, let go of the rest it won't get you to where you need to travel. If you want real, amazing love then you need to be vulnerable, be random, listen to what matters to the person who lights that spark in your bonfire heart, if it matters to them it can matter to you. Go the extra mile, call when you need to, step outside your comfort zone, learn to forgive, learn to forget, learn to let go, learn to be you & love every bit. Be honest, real, trustworthy & when you find it, that real authentic spark make sure you never let it go out.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE - Here is to love & 2014 xoxoxoxo
