Melissa's Travels

My job is stressful, no doubt about that. Any environment where you run the risk of getting punched in the face by patients is bound to leave your subconscious screaming out in suffering while you sleep. Despite the often hard to deny anxiety provoking environment, there are days when I walk away from a shift on the psych unit with my soul smiling, reflecting the awareness that this is exactly where I'm meant to be. The ironic thing is that these moments tend to arrive on the days when my shift extends well past the 8 hour mark, often leaving me awake on our unit for more hours than any of the patients. Maybe that's exactly why these moments of gratitude for my job hit me on these days in particular. 16 hours side by side the patients and families leaves me acutely aware of their pain and struggles as well as their unique and inspiring stories. It's in sharing breakfast, teeth brushing races and bedtime stories that I begin to see myself in these kids and find myself realizing that not only am I living a truly blessed life, but that I work with some incredibly courageous kids.

This past week I embarked on a road trip with one of my best friends down to Portland to enjoy Jack Johnson in concert. During our crawl down I-5 we found ourselves reflecting on a variety of topics, but one of the most remarkable pieces of wisdom I took away was a result of our attempts to work out the kinks in the Cupcake Philosophy of Life. I pointed out that at the hospital we frequently share with kids and families the phrase, "We do what we have to do, to do what we want to do." Albeit true, this mantra seems to conflict with everything the two of us have been preaching of late, that you shouldn't waste a moment waiting to do the things you really want. However, as I pointed out to my friend, if we're always doing what we want to do, when will we ever get to the necessary, less than fun activities such as laundry, paying bills or filing? My friend was quick to respond by pointing out that this is really a matter of perspective. Rather than focusing on how much you don't want to do your laundry, you can instead focus on how grateful you are to have the luxury of owning a washer and dryer, unlike a great majority of people in this world. Ok, I consented, but there really must be things we have to do that we're not a fan of. She continued to stand firm in her convictions, stating that we should not be doing things we don't genuinely like.

Since this conversation, I've decided to test out my friend's logic in my daily life and the results have left me dumbfounded. If I don't want to cook dinner I can focus on how lucky I am to have access to food, if I don't want to run errands I can remember how grateful I am to have time for these tasks and if I feel frustrated by graduate school applications I can remember how truly blessed I am to have a passion in life. Could it really be this easy? Can I really transform my entire life by truly embodying the optimism I've theoretically embraced for so long? Could the wisdom of Anne Lamott, Paulo Coelho and Joseph Campbell really be relevant in all moments of life, no matter my mood or the circumstances?

On my first trip to Spain I was introduced to Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning," wherein he writes,
"everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Since that time I've grappled with the truth behind that quote, but it wasn't until the conversation with my friend last week did I realize that Frankl's wisdom is not only relevant in concentration camp suffering or culture shock scenarios. My own ability to source my strength from my gratitude is absolutely essential if I'm to live the life I think is possible. And I realized that my friend's ability to experience gratitude with ease is largely due to her recent two year stint in the Peace Corps. I think at times I am fearful of experiencing genuine gratitude. Like the characters in old cartoons who fell out of the sky once they realized they were walking on thin air, I will lose all that I have the moment I recognize how lucky I am to have it. I recognize that it's an irrational thought, but I think my heart is still a little slow to catch up. I think it needs more moments like this evening which I spent watching a teenage girl struggle to make sense of the post-brain tumor fog she's experiencing. Frustrated by the words that wont come, by the skills and talents she's lost. It's because of her that I find myself writing this blog after a 17 hour day at work. I write because I am able to, because in making the connections and searching for the words I find joy. And tomorrow I may wake up and no longer have this option . But for tonight I am the luckiest girl in the whole world.