Melissa's Travels

Thursday morning I was awoken after 5 short hours of sleep by the yelpings of my host mom´s daughter´s obnoxious dog. For once though I was thankful for the makeshift alarm clock because I had to head off to meet mi amiga, Ashley for a quick cup of coffee before she jetted off to the airport and back to Burien. The past two weeks have been busy with trying to recover from being sick and preparing for my next big exam this Friday. Unfortunately, all of this had to coincide with the arrival of Carlos and then Ashley, leaving me less than prepared to serve as a tour guide of this city I love so much. Thankfully neither one of them traveled here alone, but it leaves me wondering if the time is slipping through my hands when my only obligation is 3 and half hours of school a day, how will I manage to fit in all that I have to (not to mention all I want to do) this summer? However the biggest thought looming in my head right now is just how ineviteble my return to Seattle is. All of the great friends I´ve met here will be gone within the week and I´ll be forced to suffer through many good-byes and faced with the reality that I´m really doing this (as in ¨life¨I suppose...) on my own. Listening to my iPod while studying this morning I found these lyrics sticking in my head:

¨Well the future´s got me worried such awful thoughts, my head´s a carasoul of pictures the spinning never stops. I just want someone to walk in front and I´ll follow the leader...¨

In one way or another every day here has required me to draw upon my own resources and listen to my own heart, but I can´t shake the fact that doing all this in Spain feels similar to being in ¨limbo¨in comparison to living my life in Seattle. I´ve taken on this big adventure, but what comes next? Yes, I´m going back to Spain in the fall but there´s still the option of doing something else and options are really not something I deal well with. Yesterday in class my professor asked me what zodiac sign I am and she wasn´t the least surprised to discover that I´m a virgo, one who has indecisiveness coarsing through her veins. Although everyone has told me I´ll be able to do anything now that I´ve come to Spain on my own, I can´t help but have my doubts. Saying good-bye to Carlos and Ashley this past week was just the beginning of the farewells that are required of me in the following two weeks and with each hug I am reminded again that I am alone in this adventure. Once again my heart pools with the same fear that enveloped me in SeaTac airport 10 weeks ago. Suddenly it doesn´t matter what I´ve learned, who I´ve met and all I´ve accomplished. I´m all on my own in this world and have to accept that the hurdles will continue to come if I want my life to unfold in the way I desire. It´s moments like this that I find it impossible to accept that ¨anxiety is just the dizziness of freedom.¨Anxiety leaves me dizzy without a doubt...and freedom doesn´t sound like a good thing when my heart is racing and my palms are sweating.

My pessimism and loneliness isn´t helped by the fact that I had my mom send some books over to me and last weekend I spent two entire days devouring Jodi Piccoult´s ¨The Pact.¨Not only was it a less than perfect piece of writing, but it´s subject matter, teen suicide, would leave anyone´s head spinning with melodramatic thoughts on the dire state of the world. Add to that the fact that all of Spain has been experiencing uncharacteristic downpours and thunderstorms. If you´ve heard the saying that ¨The Rain in Spain Stays Firmly on the Plain,¨than all of Spain must be flat because more than once I have found myself stuck in the midst of a downpour, without an umbrella and grumbling under my breath for listening to the advice of my sister not to pack an umbrella. On my walk home from school the other day I even had my entire self soaked by a passing car that splashed the puddle on the side of the road onto me, I really thought this sort of thing only happened in the movies?

Thinking of all there is to do in these next two weeks is leaving my overwhelmed. And this summer my to-do list is going to grow exponentially. I need time to search for housing for next fall and to apply for my visa, as well as time for friends (not to mention all the weddings I have lined up, my goodness!) and to enjoy the Seattle sun and all that I love about the city during the summer. Then there´s the task of practicing Spanish. I don´t think it will really hit me how great I´ve had it here until I head back home and discover that no one is excited about watching movies in Spanish or going to coffee to practice their Spanish. Even going shopping wont be as exciting in Seattle. Oh yeah and somehow I need to find time to work this summer, which will probably be an incredibly challenging adjustment since a) I wont be able to speak Spanish there and b) Aside from school I have lived in a world where my only obligation is to do what my heart desires. My friend Tina sent me an email the other day exclaiming that she is ready for my return to Seattle and for the summer of pining for ¨my lover, Madrid¨to begin. It´s nice to know that I have at least one person waiting for me at home who can understand the inevitible dissapointment that is waiting for me halfway around the world. Yes, I´m excited to see people and my family, but in truth this will last for one week and then I will be more than ready to return. I feel guilty for admitting that, but it is refreshing to be over here, to meet new people, to navigate the language barrier, to suffer through the dissapointment of not finding my favorite brand of shampoo. It seems unfair that I have to leave now. Just when I´ve found my favorite café, have begun to befriend the locales, know the best routes to walk if I want to avoid the metro and my favorite plazas for passing the afternoon in. And best of all (or maybe most unfortunate of all?), I feel like I have finally reached a point where I can confidentally say I speak Spanish. Granted, my vocabulary is incredibly limited, you have to speak very slowly to me, use lots of hand gestures and repeat frequently if you want me to understand but I am now in the highest level of Spanish at my school and have graduated from reading Berenstein Bears books to Manolito Gafotas (which is an absolutely comical series!). Why is it that now I have to abandon all I´ve started to love and be accustomed to and return to a world inundated with English where I can too easily find what I¨m looking for at the grocery store and where I´ll be forced to go home at 2am or earlier?

I don´t mean to sound so overly pessimistic about going home. In truth I am looking forward to seeing my friends, to returning to work and especially returning to the world where a Starbucks coffee costs less than $7. I´m looking forward to the sun in Seattle, to preparing for my move back to Madrid this fall and for learning even more about myself and our world post-trip. But as each day passes and the number of days I have left in Madrid this spring dwindles, I can´t help but tear up. As I head onto the airplane bound for Seattle I hope that something inside me will switch and I´ll be prepared to readjust to life back in the country I can´t claim to love. What I wish even more is that I could return to Seattle with my memories of Madrid still vivid and fresh. There is something about traversing the globe that makes the experiences fit together less than seamlessly and I know when I return to Seattle, Madrid will feel like a dreamland leaving the inevitible move back this fall just as difficult as it was to come here back in March.

On a brighter note, I have great plans for my last days here in Madrid. Lots of museum visits, the book fair (who can´t love a city that gets excited for their 75th annual book fair??), a Flamenco dinner, celebrating the last night of my best friend from school by a night of dancing in a 7 story dance club, a weekend in Barcelona with my crazy yet down to earth friend from Australia, lots of journaling (just bought one I plan to fill in the next two weeks--my 4th one on this trip) and best of all, meeting with a researcher from the University here to discuss opportunities for me to volunteer as a research assistant on her study of eating disorders when I return this fall. Looks like there may be a reason I came here after all :)