There it stood, in all its porcelain beauty, mocking me. It had an actual seat and a fresh roll of toilet paper to boot. I gazed longingly at the toilet, praying for some release, and recalled my 2/3 time daily average back home; how I wished for such regularity on my travels! I tried to go several times in the past two days, but this toilet was conveniently not-so-conveniently in the room I was sharing with 4 other backpackers, and I couldn't go with that kind of pressure (no pun intended). What if their laughing was directed at my flatulence or a "plop"? I don't speak German and didn't want to take the risk of being the brunt of a joke I couldn't understand. All I knew was, that shit better come out TODAY. I weighed my options for sure fire quick release: hot tea, or herb. The latter is more gratifying, but would require me walking a further distance to get it at my friends house, then stinking up HIS toilet if I was lucky enough to do so. Hot tea it was. I meandered to a nearby cafe and sat down to drink an entire pot of ginger tea. A local I had met a couple days prior entered the cafe and tried to strike up a conversation in his limited English vocabulary. Politeness was difficult to muster but I contributed to the pleasantries while most of my consciousness was meditating on a dump. Finally we ran out of things to talk about (never been so grateful for a language barrier in my life) and then, I felt it coming! I sat with the feeling a bit longer because I didn't want to jinx myself, nor did I want to be stuck struggling in that stank ass bathroom. I gulped the remainder of the tea and my body reassured me, it was Time. Quickly, I grabbed the toilet paper roll I swiped from my hostel (thailand restroom tip #1: NEVER expect there to be TP) and asked the server where the toilet was. Automatically she pointed out back, but then something registered in her eyes, she could sense my desperation (or prairie doggin). To my shock and dismay, she said "Pee pee only". Taken aback, I asked "Pardon?" To clarify, she actually made a urination sound and said "you know? Pee pee only. Toilet full." I wasn't going to plead with her over the state of my bowels and frankly was annoyed that she would try to interfere with them. I nodded hastily and mumbled something in agreement, then dashed outside a few paces to the toilet out back, baking in the sun, hot as shit (no pun intended). I wiped the seat and put a layer of toilet paper on it to sit down. (Tip #2: avoid sitting on seats whenever possible). I was not alone, ants and flies were there to cheer me on. The toilet paper on the seat stuck to my sweaty thighs and soon tapered into wet fragments when I tried to peel it off. But I was relieved with ease; my body shook with gratitude. Until next time, free at last.
