The World According to Spaz The ramblings of a man from a place going to another place completely different to the first place.

The other day we were in The Gap or something and Handsome Dan wanted to know what size the belt on the mannequin was. I never thought I was such a homophobe, because I nearly gagged undoing it. I sat through the whole of Brokeback Mountain watching Heath repeatedly give it to Donnie Darko and didn't flinch for a second, but ask me to remove a belt from a PLASTIC DUMMIE and suddely I turn into a fag bashing redneck. I expect I'll get hate mail from gay mannequin rights groups any day now.

In other perhaps more PG13 news, I just realised that for the first time in years I am acutally hiring friends. The budget has come through from head office, strategy have signed off on the job decs, and a small but dedicated team is currently posting "friendship positions vacant" ads all over my forehead. Let me run you through some of the fantastic opportunities we have available.

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Position: Daily meet and greet friend
Location: Central London
Salary: Witty banter and toilet humour, plus benefits

This not so busy Aussie Ex-pat is looking for a conversationally skilled buddy to hang out with and go to the pub sometimes when Dan isn't around. This really is a fantastic opportunity to talk with one of Australia's most sought after friends. No time wasters.

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Position: London local knowledge officer
Location: North London
Salary: Place to stay if ever visiting Sydney, pro rata

Newly established resident in North London currently has an opening for a competent font of local knowledge who can quickly and effortlessly get him up to speed with local customs, places, and sayings. This position would suit someone who is cool but doesn't have a lot of friends, and wants to feel culturally superior for a while. Working knowledge of British comedy and indie music essential.

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Position: Director in charge of football fan tuition
Location: Central London
Salary: Will do some web design for you or something easy

Our client is an emerging football fan and currently has an opening for either a graduate or second jobber well versed in the art of football fandom. This is not a technical role! The off side rule will not need to be explained. The right candidate will be fluent in Premiership and Champions League teams and should be willing to spend many hours going over what team I should go for both for ladder success and local kudos.

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It sort of came to me last Friday night when I wanted to go to the movies and realised I didn't have anyone to go with. Grab a Kleenex ladies, it's sad stuff isn't it. In Sydney I literally didn't have any more room in any of my inner circles, and though those close friends are still clutching validated ticket stubbs for the front row, now that the show is on tour suddenly I've got a load of empty seats that need bums on them. Personally I think that's why they say travel broadens the mind. Not because you see amazing landmarks or that the electrical sockets are all different, but because it forces you to stop being caught up in your own world and actually take the time to get to know different people. And also so you have someone to go to the movies with on a Friday night.