India... as I left the first time, I always knew I would return, but I didn't know why, or how or under what circumstances. I just knew, that mother India was not yet finished with me. I return now in less than 3 weeks, and as my circumstances have almost given me no choice to go back, I feel and know it is where I must be!
I return to nourish myself with the love and knowledge of a 200 hour Yoga Alliance Teacher Training! I am off from Australia, on a beautiful journey of self discovery... and the peace and inner quiet that this yogic lifestyle will bring :)
So... my life in the past year has been rather beautiful, rather heart breaking and at the same time full of love and light. In March of this year, I discovered something magical... a baby was on it's way, a beautiful baby created by a wonderful man, Campbell Holland, and of course, myself! We were beyond shocked, then beyond excited, then again, beyond ourselves realizing what that actually meant! So we moved, we found a house for the soon to be 3 of us in a small town, a beautiful town in Tasmania called Deloraine. We quickly found a big house, probably the biggest rental we could have possibly found, as we knew people were wanting to visit, family and friends would come to see the new Holland baby. We moved in quickly, and just as quick, Cam was off to work again. So, one week in Deloraine, and I say good-bye to Campbell... again! Fifteen weeks along in the pregnancy, and I am finally getting some energy and desire to play, eat and enjoy life again!
As a few days go by, I feel inside that something is truly wrong with the baby, I try really hard to talk myself out of believing the feelings, but they are strong. Friday night, I go to sleep after have been spotting a bit, telling myself and the baby that everything is ok. But everything wasn't ok, and as I drove myself to the hospital Saturday morning with massive tears in my eyes, I knew it deep down.
I checked myself into the hospital and learned all the things that I already knew deep down. To deal with this reality, I sobbed, and I mean tears and loud gasping breaths that made all the nurses sad, and a bit unknowing of how to show comfort. I didn't want comfort, I just wanted to cry, let this all happen, let the tears and emotions flow thru me without trying to change anything. I just cried the baby away. Cam arrived the next day and we went home, to our large home, knowing things were very different... and had no idea how to comfort one another. And I was sad, overwhelmingly sad. Emotions and hormones flooded my fragile, empty body. My body was trying to understand the new circumstances, the empty stomach, the hormone shift, and the sadness. And then, I realized I was off to the USA in one weeks time. Alone, without my partner, without my baby. With much resistance, I boarded that plane to the US, and stepped off to my loving sister and father on the other side! It ended up being exactly what my heart so much desired! The sun, my beautiful lifelong friends, my family, lots of yoga, and time to deal with myself!
So first days in... I yoga'd... I know that isn't an actual verb, but that is what I filled my days with, and if I wasn't doing yoga, I was rollerblading, or doing something physical and wonderful out in the summer sun. My skin accepted the color beautifully, my energy began to soar as well as my crushed spirit. I gather love and hugs from all the beautiful people in my life and I began the healing process! Lots of fun and joy in Wyoming in the summer, playing in the mountains, lying in the sun, chatting with the people I love and miss so dearly during my travels.
Cam arrived 2 weeks after I had, I picked him up in Montana for a beautiful trip over to my grandmother's house, right on the edge of the Yellowstone River. A beautiful place to experience for him, and a healing ground for myself. We spent our days swimming in the river, long-boarding the streets of Livingston, wandering Bozeman, spending great time with my grandparents and eating wonderful food!
Though it all sounds perfect, Campbell and myself were and are dealing with realities in our relationship that have now changed, shifted, and even flipped completely upside down. So, in between these perfect settings, we were both dodging and swaying around one another trying to be gentle, but get across what had been on our minds. As for Campbell, he was wanting a bit more freedom, a bit of a chance to 'go' and do what he thought he would never be able to do as a new father. Wanting to maybe not pay 3,000 AU for a partner visa, maybe to travel, and make plans outside of me. As a woman who had just lost a baby, those were all my biggest fears! So I panicked inside, maybe on the outside too, but I tried to understand his point of view, and not see it as he was ditching me as fast as he could. But... I felt afraid, in an abandonment sort of way, an unfair why me sort of way. In all honesty, I didn't see his side... at all. I wanted to go back to Australia, get a partner visa and keep on living our life, but you know what... Mr. Universe, and Mr. Holland had different ideas for my next step in life.
We had a beautiful adventure through Wyoming, Yellowstone National Park, Teton National Park, BearTrap Music Festival, friends, family etc, but in the back of my mind, the whole time, I was confused, in limbo, and BROKE! Campbell talked me into returning with him back to Australia, though everything in my body said no! Stay, teach yoga, find some time for yourself, be with someone that really wants you... unconditionally. But... I returned, against my deepest knowing. And now I must go.
I got a job a few days after returning to Tasmania, here where I sit now, at a local backpackers/pub/bottleshop... most of the things I despise. I am beyond grateful for this job, it is giving me the freedom to leave with a bit of extra money... not much :) but a bit! Cam and I battled back and forth our reasoning for the things we desired, but in reality, I just wanted to stay with the man I love and not feel like he was booting me out of my new life here. Though I still feel as though I had no choice, no say as to what my next step in life was, it will be a wonderful blessing. My grandmother Mimi has decided to pay for me to do a yoga teacher training in India... starting 2 weeks before my visa expires in India. Just in the nick of time! This also gives me a feeling of security for now, knowing my next few weeks after I leave here will not be as a wanderer, but gaining power and strength in myself!
And now, as I sit here knowing that in 3 weeks time, I will no longer know this life, this job, this house, this relationship, I am again weaving thru the days and my life with Campbell, trying to feel around all the sharp edges, mushy places and hard spots to see what will happen when I go. Vulnerable is a good word to use for me right now... I feel overly vulnerable. I feel out of control of anything, which to be honest is one of my faults... I like to feel in control, it makes me feel like I know I won't be hurt... but in reality, just makes things worse!
So I will take all these days, one at a time, moment by moment, smile by smile and tear by tear. I will try and take in all things good, and happy, remember that I am ok, and this next chapter of my life, will too, be ok!
