Worldly Love

She's still... in India

chanamaste — Thu, 27 Mar 2014 16:53:00 GMT

It has been a year and a half since I last sat and wrote about this life... and since the last time I wrote, before I came back to India, my heart was broken. I have now been thru things that have allowed a reconnection to my soul... to my heart and to the beauty of this earth. After arriving to India before my yoga TTC I instantly became ill.... India style ill which means fevers... and well... spending a lot of time next to the toilet. I always see this as a very necessary "initiation" back into this place. A place asking you to honestly see yourself... and first, I must be empty ;) after recovering, rehydrating, my TTC was on its way. I spent 30 days, 200 hours with amazing people that sat as mirrors for my new life. Sometimes difficult to see, but necessary to acknowledge! After 2 weeks, I realized that my relationship that I had left in Australia was pulling my mind to a place far off, and I wasn't very present. So, I decided to ask for some space from the man I adored, it was the most difficult request. But the space served me well, and I began to tap back into Chantel again.

As imagined, many transformations happened during these days in Rishikesh, daily exploring my body, my mind and my soul. As things came to an end in Rishikesh, it was time to decide where to go from this place, which way do I step? I had a deep loving connection with the teachers of the school I studied with and we decided to meet in Goa, where I would teach as part of their internship program. And so life began, again, as it does when a big decision is made, choosing to stay in the country that challenged my heart daily. And from here, things sprouted, blossomed and came alive in my being. I was more sire than ever that no matter how difficult some days may seem, across the world from Campbell, from my family, I knew I was following the path the universe so beautifully laid before my feet. And the healing began, my belly started to release the sadness, the dark waves of energy that seemed so stuck, they began to shift. Everyday, my heart became lighter, my smile bigger. The world started again to seem kind!

From this time of transformation last year, until today, life has brought me so many beautiful gifts! So many dark spaces that could only be seen because of the gracious gift of the light! And today, I sit here in Pushkar, in a place I have always dreamt of coming to, and it all came without effort... I just arrived :). But, with this ease came much effort, much learning, and the intense need to learn to speak from my heart, to forgive, and to accept.

When I arrived back to India in September of 2013, I had spent 6 months living in the USA, staying with my father, teaching yoga to beautiful, loving people who so openly shared with me so much love and energy. My heart though, was here, in India, and I found myself unpresent, I found myself desiring to be in a place that feels like home in my heart. Casper, Wyoming is home to my father and my sister and her family, and sometimes I try to talk my heart into believing that it too can feel like home to me, but each time I arrive, I feel... things. It reminds me of where I was before I began to travel 8 years prior. I hadn't yet had the opportunity to have my heart pried open by seeing the outside world, by traveling alone, feeling uncomfortable, vulnerable, afraid, and to continue to live each day with an open heart. I find myself feeling invisible, with no eye contact, no sincere communication, or even a pure, solid hug. I arrived full and ready to share, but found myself feeling also isolated, and i too began to lack the ability to be my real loving self. I had to change the way I saw my days, I had to see my purpose was to share how to open, how to see our true essence, how to see ourselves in eachother! This was my reason for being there! So for the next months, I worked daily to love, smile, and remember who I found out in the world while travelling... this I could share, and inspire people with! And so I built around me a beautiful community of loving yogis ready to open, ready to inspire eachother! But slowly, the time was coming to return back to India, and it was one of the most difficult times, to break this bond and return 'home,' I knew something grand and difficult was awaiting me back in India, it's always my greatest teacher, my greatest mirror! I returned and took a flight to Dharamsala from Delhi, arriving to a land that took my breath away! Full of mountain peaks, trees and clean air! Taking a deep Breath, I knew something big was coming... a lesson that would make a massive shift in my being... in my heart.

Sometimes i can have very high expectations of myself, which tends to roll over to those around me... fair? No, but its something i have realized about myself this trip. So, with a heart full of expectations of how I feel things should be, how life should be, how people should live and speak to one another I began to find my heart disappointed, when we allow expectations to arise, we are destined to feel disappointments. And so the disappointments came, and instead of communicating, I let my truths fester in silence, and the festering became gossip and the gossip, as it will, became darkness. I found myself from the Himalayas to Goa feeling like things may not be as I think they should be, my standards rather high, or just very unnecessary.

Goa... :) was an experience with so much love, light, excitement and in the same extreme, hate, and sadness. Exaggerating? Maybe... but I really don't think so! So let's talk Goa. I arrived with my best friend Stephanie On November 6th, we were full of joy, excitement and tired, dirty, ratty hair from 2 days on the train! We were eager to meet our new housemate and see our new home! But the excitement was truly extinguished very quickly!

Photos: Adventures of past times... going into the new!

chanamaste — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 12:34:00 GMT

Past few years... love, joy, work, happy, tears!

She is off to India... again

chanamaste — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 15:21:00 GMT

India... as I left the first time, I always knew I would return, but I didn't know why, or how or under what circumstances. I just knew, that mother India was not yet finished with me. I return now in less than 3 weeks, and as my circumstances have almost given me no choice to go back, I feel and know it is where I must be!

I return to nourish myself with the love and knowledge of a 200 hour Yoga Alliance Teacher Training! I am off from Australia, on a beautiful journey of self discovery... and the peace and inner quiet that this yogic lifestyle will bring :)

So... my life in the past year has been rather beautiful, rather heart breaking and at the same time full of love and light. In March of this year, I discovered something magical... a baby was on it's way, a beautiful baby created by a wonderful man, Campbell Holland, and of course, myself! We were beyond shocked, then beyond excited, then again, beyond ourselves realizing what that actually meant! So we moved, we found a house for the soon to be 3 of us in a small town, a beautiful town in Tasmania called Deloraine. We quickly found a big house, probably the biggest rental we could have possibly found, as we knew people were wanting to visit, family and friends would come to see the new Holland baby. We moved in quickly, and just as quick, Cam was off to work again. So, one week in Deloraine, and I say good-bye to Campbell... again! Fifteen weeks along in the pregnancy, and I am finally getting some energy and desire to play, eat and enjoy life again!

As a few days go by, I feel inside that something is truly wrong with the baby, I try really hard to talk myself out of believing the feelings, but they are strong. Friday night, I go to sleep after have been spotting a bit, telling myself and the baby that everything is ok. But everything wasn't ok, and as I drove myself to the hospital Saturday morning with massive tears in my eyes, I knew it deep down.

I checked myself into the hospital and learned all the things that I already knew deep down. To deal with this reality, I sobbed, and I mean tears and loud gasping breaths that made all the nurses sad, and a bit unknowing of how to show comfort. I didn't want comfort, I just wanted to cry, let this all happen, let the tears and emotions flow thru me without trying to change anything. I just cried the baby away. Cam arrived the next day and we went home, to our large home, knowing things were very different... and had no idea how to comfort one another. And I was sad, overwhelmingly sad. Emotions and hormones flooded my fragile, empty body. My body was trying to understand the new circumstances, the empty stomach, the hormone shift, and the sadness. And then, I realized I was off to the USA in one weeks time. Alone, without my partner, without my baby. With much resistance, I boarded that plane to the US, and stepped off to my loving sister and father on the other side! It ended up being exactly what my heart so much desired! The sun, my beautiful lifelong friends, my family, lots of yoga, and time to deal with myself!

So first days in... I yoga'd... I know that isn't an actual verb, but that is what I filled my days with, and if I wasn't doing yoga, I was rollerblading, or doing something physical and wonderful out in the summer sun. My skin accepted the color beautifully, my energy began to soar as well as my crushed spirit. I gather love and hugs from all the beautiful people in my life and I began the healing process! Lots of fun and joy in Wyoming in the summer, playing in the mountains, lying in the sun, chatting with the people I love and miss so dearly during my travels.

Cam arrived 2 weeks after I had, I picked him up in Montana for a beautiful trip over to my grandmother's house, right on the edge of the Yellowstone River. A beautiful place to experience for him, and a healing ground for myself. We spent our days swimming in the river, long-boarding the streets of Livingston, wandering Bozeman, spending great time with my grandparents and eating wonderful food!

Though it all sounds perfect, Campbell and myself were and are dealing with realities in our relationship that have now changed, shifted, and even flipped completely upside down. So, in between these perfect settings, we were both dodging and swaying around one another trying to be gentle, but get across what had been on our minds. As for Campbell, he was wanting a bit more freedom, a bit of a chance to 'go' and do what he thought he would never be able to do as a new father. Wanting to maybe not pay 3,000 AU for a partner visa, maybe to travel, and make plans outside of me. As a woman who had just lost a baby, those were all my biggest fears! So I panicked inside, maybe on the outside too, but I tried to understand his point of view, and not see it as he was ditching me as fast as he could. But... I felt afraid, in an abandonment sort of way, an unfair why me sort of way. In all honesty, I didn't see his side... at all. I wanted to go back to Australia, get a partner visa and keep on living our life, but you know what... Mr. Universe, and Mr. Holland had different ideas for my next step in life.

We had a beautiful adventure through Wyoming, Yellowstone National Park, Teton National Park, BearTrap Music Festival, friends, family etc, but in the back of my mind, the whole time, I was confused, in limbo, and BROKE! Campbell talked me into returning with him back to Australia, though everything in my body said no! Stay, teach yoga, find some time for yourself, be with someone that really wants you... unconditionally. But... I returned, against my deepest knowing. And now I must go.

I got a job a few days after returning to Tasmania, here where I sit now, at a local backpackers/pub/bottleshop... most of the things I despise. I am beyond grateful for this job, it is giving me the freedom to leave with a bit of extra money... not much :) but a bit! Cam and I battled back and forth our reasoning for the things we desired, but in reality, I just wanted to stay with the man I love and not feel like he was booting me out of my new life here. Though I still feel as though I had no choice, no say as to what my next step in life was, it will be a wonderful blessing. My grandmother Mimi has decided to pay for me to do a yoga teacher training in India... starting 2 weeks before my visa expires in India. Just in the nick of time! This also gives me a feeling of security for now, knowing my next few weeks after I leave here will not be as a wanderer, but gaining power and strength in myself!

And now, as I sit here knowing that in 3 weeks time, I will no longer know this life, this job, this house, this relationship, I am again weaving thru the days and my life with Campbell, trying to feel around all the sharp edges, mushy places and hard spots to see what will happen when I go. Vulnerable is a good word to use for me right now... I feel overly vulnerable. I feel out of control of anything, which to be honest is one of my faults... I like to feel in control, it makes me feel like I know I won't be hurt... but in reality, just makes things worse!

So I will take all these days, one at a time, moment by moment, smile by smile and tear by tear. I will try and take in all things good, and happy, remember that I am ok, and this next chapter of my life, will too, be ok!

Photos: Antarctica, One wild year!

chanamaste — Sat, 31 Jul 2010 14:12:00 GMT

My year in Antarctica, from the summer at the South Pole to a winter in McMurdo!