I have always felt torn between the ideas of two lives…two personalities. One of a restless soul that has me traveling the world forever, discovering new things, never being tied to anything or anyone and always being comforted by that which is new. The other, a desperately lonely soul, that longs for roots to be grounded, a house to be truly lived in and surroundings that are familiar. How can one have it all? Which one is right and how do you choose? Throughout this journey I have been challenged by being in different countries, different homes, faced with different languages and different faces than that of my own. I have ebbed and flowed between absolute excitement and persistent discomfort. Meeting Oleg has flipped my world inside out for many reasons, but the one I will write about here is in regards to the gap between the two lives…the two personalities. Feeling as if I was just getting into the groove of this travel-thing and learning to find comfort in the unknown, as a true explorer would, I meet someone who makes me want to think again about “real-life”, security, settling down…the future; an thought that brings me great comfort and yet also confinement. How can I have both? Before heading to China for the Chinese New Year, I learned that I was born under the year of the Dragon and I am both frightened and exhilerated at how much the spirit of the Dragon fits with my personality. This simple and seemingly harmless knowlege had my head spinning with both pride and fear. I began to feel overwhelmed and defeated. And then…I spoke to Oleg….
His beams of light were bouncing through my tears and it was as if my soul was dancing. Working our way through a tough and emotional conversation, he stood unwavering, despite my insecurities, doubts and self-realizations. There is often a distinct stinging feeling when you come face to face with your own potential selfishness and ability to demand of others what you would not demand of yourself. “I’m asking you to be my rock and yet it is furthest from my own mind, to myself be grounded”. In this moment, I realized that in this instance, the pushing that I was doing to help someone settle into their own life so that I could be comfortable was not only for their benefit but more so for my own. And yet, coinciding with this sting I am also offered a sense of relief. It is as if I have just discovered a deeper understanding of who I am, who I want to be and how I want to function within the relationships in my life. To live in my life, pursuing my dreams, experiencing the world, yet still create and maintain a “homebase” that I can come home to. I realized that within the most important relationships in my life, I am most at ease and most effective when I have the freedom to “flit” about, landing only for a short and intimate time, before venturing out to discover other great spirits containing new ideas and new inspirations, yet all the while being comforted and confident in knowing that the few select places I choose “land” are those that will always be “safe” for my soul to rest.
So where do I go with this new realization? I guess the only way I can go…FORWARD.
I am grateful to those of you who I recognize as my “safe place”.
