I'm not gonna lie. This week has been really rough. I went from a crazy hard week last week in to a week of panic/anxiety attacks this week. I've been trying to stay strong and pray through it all. Turning to God. Especially because the things that I usually find comfort in, for some reason, are causing anxiety whenever I think of them.
This week we've been talking a lot about relying and trusting in God even when things aren't going well. This has been really hard to hear while I'm desperately crying out to God for help.
I understand He has this crazy plan for my life and that if He were to just take it away I wouldn't learn anything but I must be missing something because I've been going through a whole heck of a lot to learn whatever it is He's trying to teach me. Maybe my ears, eyes and heart aren't open? Maybe I'm not receiving what it is He's trying to teach me. Every time I go through something like this it is very different so perhaps I'm learning something different everytime. Just once I'd like something to be easy though. God works in misterious ways. I don't know what's going on in that big head of His. Sometimes I really wish I could but I'd be so overwhelmed it wouldn't go over very well.
I've really been trying to just rely on Him whenever I'm not feeling good. This morning I woke up feeling anxious in the pit of my stomach. I heard a bird outside and immediately said "God thanks for the chance to wake up to such a beautiful sounding bird!" Turning my attention to Him when I'm feeling down helps, but it's not easy to keep my thoughts from straying back to the gross, churning, desperate, sickening and overwhelming feeling in what I would call a stomach if I could eat something.
Today is definitely not as bad as yesterday which was not as bad as the day before. I'm hoping that heading back to the Northern Hemisphere will help. The sun gets up two hours before I get up and goes down 5-7 hours before I go to bed. I also spend the first four hours of my day in a 'classroom' with no windows. This doesn't help when you need the sun to keep your emotions even. I'll hopefully be getting an average of 10-12 hours of sun a day up North (minus the time in the polution in China and the very rainy season in India). That sounds very welcoming to me right now. God definitely put me in a good place in Canada, not too north where the days are short but not too south so that I still get snow at Christmas.
One thing I've definitely learnt is how important sun and sleep are to my health. That is something that is definitely good to know! I just wish I didn't have to learn through such hard circumstances. I've been going through this for the majority of my life. Of course times were harder than others but now I've really been learning to lean on God with everything instead of family, secular music, and dance. Perhaps that is what I'm really learning this time? How to praise in the midst of tribulation? How to share with those around me instead of hide?
As hard as things may be, as sick as my stomach feels, as painful as my heart may be, God is still good. He is still with me. He doesn't like seeing me this way and will never leave me to fend for myself. When I get too weak to continue; He will carry me. When I can't draw another breath; He will breath it in to me. When I feel all alone; He will comort me. I will Never, Ever be alone. And because of that, I am able to praise Him through the pain.
