Adventure_Monkey The stories here are past adventures I've been on.

“The Pinch” is an ancient technique passed down through the generations.  It dates back to the earliest days of thinking men.   “The Pinch,” for those of you who are confused – most likely everyone – is the instant process of halting ones urine in mid-stream.  Some have the ability and some do not.  The capacity to pinch can get you out of some precarious situations and I know many guys reading this are recalling some funny stories of their own.  Who knows, the pinch may even one day save your life.

Waiting in the bus station of a small Chinese city on my way to Macau is where it happened.  I had just spent a freezing, foodless, sleepless 21 hours on the hard seat of a smelly train.  Delirious and groggy my own thoughts were the only things keeping me company.  I hadn’t the energy or patience to spark a conversation and practice my Chinese.  

I had to pee so I went to the bathroom.  The urinal was a trough.  Nobody was in there so I took my place at the nearest edge of the thirty-foot run.  OK, everything was normal so far and flowing nicely.  A man energetically walked in behind me and sprinted to the other end of the urinal.  He seemed out of breath and didn’t calm when he reached the peeing position.  His huffing and puffing persisted and even increased.  I couldn’t help but shoot a glance down the line at him.  The man was wearing light blue jeans and a white long-sleeve T-shirt.  His face was beat-red and he had his erect penis firmly grasped in his right had.  He was jerking it like no tomorrow!  I went wide-eyed as I snapped my head back to focus my gaze on the white tiles in front of my face.  I concentrated on pushing as hard as possible.  I needed to finish and finish fast.

Out of my periphery, which was difficult not to pay attention to at that point, I could see the man taking large side steps towards me.  Push, push push, I thought.  He got closer and closer and I was becoming nervous.  What in the world does this guy think he is doing!?  He kept getting closer and I still had a solid stream going.  He was nearly standing next to me and I could see his hand moving more rapidly.  I didn’t know what to do.  I turned my head and yelled, “What the hell are you doing?”  I think I may even have let loose some spit on the man’s face.  He barely gave any reaction to my exclamation and moved to take yet another large side step putting himself directly in the space I was currently standing.  His face was still red and looking straight ahead.  His hand was still jerking, and full steam ahead.  

In the mili-second of time I had before he reached me I remember considering my options.  I was certainly not going to let him get any of his “fun juice” on me.  I bailed out, pinching off what I could.  Unfortunately I’m not too proficient at “The Pinch” and succeeded in pissing all down the side of my pant leg.  Stumbling backwards and loudly cursing the man who had clearly lost his mind I hurried to zipper my pants and rush out of the bathroom.

Outside, I was still wide-eyed and looking around at people thinking, if only you knew what just happened to me.  I returned to my seat with a slow walk and a shaking head.  I was in disbelief.  After a short minute I began laughing aloud.  I imagined my next conversation…

“Oh dear, how did you spill water on yourself?”

“What that?  No that’s not water; I pissed on myself running away from a man trying to have a wank on me.  That’s all, no worries.”  

I immediately thought of a quote by Don George – taken from By The Seat Of My Pants – regarding travel.  “If you don’t pack your sense of humor with your sunscreen, sooner or later you’ll get burned!”