Fuck Yeah Noms

About sgtnoms

How do you like deez nuts?

I live in FUCK YEAH, Hong Kong which is one of the best places in the world to eat in. Like every other asshole who wants that free trip to Sri Lanka, I fucking love to eat. But fuck, I hate all that pretentious as fuck, food wank that everyone is churning out these days. I run a no bullshit, GIF and profanity filled blog - FUCK YEAH NOMS. Its genesis came out of being so fucking tired of trying to figure out if a restaurant was any good and coming across gushing, polite food blogs that still give terrible places fairly decent write ups (instead of saying ‘THIS PLACE WAS FUCKED, DO NOT GO EVER’).

The whole premise of FUCK YEAH NOMS is when you’re somewhere, if you had to answer the question – ‘Would you go back?’, would you say FUCK YEAH or FUCK NO? No bullshit 6.3/10 ratings or 4 kisses out of 5. There’s no need to be a goddamn, pretentious as fuck douchebag and use a metric fuckton of verbose, unnecessary adjectives. After all, It’s just fucking food – lighten up and put the fucking thesaurus down, all you food blogging assholes.

So, I stand for eating my face off and avoiding all of the following words when writing about food:

Bon vivant (just code for a greedy cunt that likes to party)
Cheeky
Creamy indulgence
Crème de la crème
Delectable
Deliciousness
Delightful
Dollop
Down-to-earth
Epicurean / epicure (you like to eat good shit, I GET IT)
Fabulous and all of its variations (Fab, just fabulous or the completely heinous fantabulous)
Flavours that shine through – unless flavours were truly incandescent, not acceptable
Food heaven
Foodie – even worse than a ‘foodie’ – a ‘self confessed foodie’
Food orgasm – was your food having an orgasm or were you literally having an orgasm? Do you realise how embarassing you sound?
Food porn – only acceptable if food is actually being used for pornographic purposes
Gastronome / Gastronomist (aka welcome to ratemyself.com)
Indulgent / indulgence
Ingredients speak for themselves (only ok if ingredients are vocalising shit – ie. live animal’s head)
Lovely
Melt in your mouth
Methinks
Morsels
Mouth feel
Mouthgasm
Oh so delicious – Y U USE OH SO? I much prefer “delicious as fuck”
“Officially obsessed” – officially declared by who?! The power of yourself?! Isn’t everything you say then OFFICIAL?
People who ‘delve’ into a dish
Pillowy – what, were they like breasts??
Pleasant
Resto – Y U NO USE RESTAURANT
Scando – NO REALLY, I saw someone use this for Scandinavian
Scrummy
Scrumptious
Smitten
Tad
Tempting
To die for – were you really fucking willing to die for a mackerel fillet?
Treat (‘a motherfucking treat’ is permitted)
Welcoming
Yummy
‘Worth every penny’ – may be acceptable if you live in a country which still uses pennies. Maybe. Probably not.
To anyone, EVER using the word ‘unctuous’ as a positive thing – have you looked up what this definition means? Why are your egg yolks always so damn unctuous?
Any form of bacon wank
Any form of pork belly wank (I get it, there was pig, the skin was crispy, it was melt in your mouth – no fucking shit, it’s pork belly)
Any references to being so full or bursting that you are not sure if you can fit in dessert (refer title)
Any references to something being “like crack” (only acceptable if author has actually used crack, otherwise HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?)