The beginners guide to harnessing lightning

Step 1: Stand on a deserted beach during a tropical thunderstorm.
Step 2: face the oncoming storm, rain whipping your face and thunderclouds rolling towards you like an ancient and enormous war machine.
Step 3: Breath slowly and deeply. Imagine you can see your breath in front of your hands and as your breath in, the ball of breath expands and parts the water.
Step 4: Now accentuate that breath by cultivating it with the motions of your hands, try to control the ball and move it around creating space in between the torrent of rain.
Step 5: Bring your hands almost all the way together, this will excite the electrons within your ball. Make sure you retain the ball shape and be careful not to touch hands. Watch as lighting explodes in your hands, flashing brilliant light right in your eyes.
Step 6: Realize you’re talking complete crap and sprint back to car because that last bolt of lightning was too close!
You might ask how I got into such a ridiculous situation which is not an unfair question.
I am an avid couchsurfer and was staying with a wonderful host called Jeeva in Kuala Lumper. We’d braved the snaking, chaotic roads of KL together riding at brake neck speeds. He’d taken me to his zoo at the base of KL Tower, and gave me great advice on the best places to eat around town (grilled chilli stingray, yum!). So when, after a 12hr work day, he arrived back home at 1am and suggested we drive to a nearby beach with some friends, I knew it must be something good.
The beach was spectacular, still and sombre. Our planned party lasted a mere 10 minutes before ominous storm clouds rolled in and they ran for the car. However, my love of tropical thunderstorms drew me right to the water’s edge where I attempted to create my own eye in this onslaught of a storm, only to be brought abruptly back to reality. A reality that taught me the fleeting value of my life; it was a memory I’ll treasure, and an experience only possible thanks Jeeva.