Well! This week is
exactly halfway through my time in Chen Jia Gou! It’s a good time to reflect on the last
twelve weeks and wonder about what the coming twelve may bring (hopefully some
sunshine!).
It took a long while to get used to a six day week,
especially one that starts on a Tuesday.
It always tricked me into thinking Friday was the end, whereas it’s
actually the middle making the week seem incredibly long; the last three days
really used to drag. Now it feels like
time is accelerating – this week’s flown by - so I can expect the next twelve
weeks to go by quicker than the last twelve.
Although most of the time I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, I’d be
lying if I said there haven’t been times when I’ve intensely wanted to be at
home (that mythical home where it’s always sunny and Spurs are not drawing
against Stoke.) It’s strange to think
that in less than three months, I will actually be at home! And working!
I’ve been thinking about what I’ve learnt so far. I’ve learnt lots of Chinese words. They’re a bit skewed towards learning tai chi
which is useful but not very conversational.
And I’m not good at stringing words into sentences. People told me Chinese grammar is easy. I think it’s decidedly odd. ‘Post
by air need how long time could reach?’
How’s that for a question? Now I
really sympathise with all my previous students who’ve struggled with English
grammar. And I’ve learnt that as noble
an idea as it may be, I cannot survive without downloaded American TV, coffee,
chocolate and the odd sneaky fag. Sad
but true.
If I think about what I may have learnt about tai chi, it
becomes harder to express. I have a
deeper understanding of the physical co-ordination that’s needed and how the
whole body is connected. If I’m
practicing the form, it feels like more of my body is making a
contribution. I’ve got a clearer idea of
what should be happening, and a correspondingly clearer idea of where I’m not
manifesting that. There are still many
places in the Lao Jia form which I’m not sure about, or which I can’t
physically do as yet. I’m still really
enjoying the Nei Gung practice and I’m starting to be able to connect the Nei
Gung breathing with the Lao Jia itself which is very cool! The strange stringy pain in my lower back is
still there, but it seems to be less troublesome than before, and hopefully
when some warmer weather finally gets here that’ll help too.
I’m going through Lao Jia again with Yan Fei and some other
students, I think it may be the third time since I arrived. That’s not a complaint! Each time you work your way through, you get
a better understanding of things, and it’s not like there’s an end to learning
a tai chi form anyway. We should finish
it next week, after which I’d really like to do some push-hands (two-person
work), and there’s been talk of looking at the single broadsword form which I
learnt in the UK but have probably completely forgotten by now.
When I last wrote I talked about some of what’s been going
on in my head. I think it’s this part of
the process which has been the most important, even if it’s not the most
enjoyable. You can only observe your
mind by using it as the observer, making it hard to get an objective
perspective. And you need a lot of
uncluttered, unfilled time to really be able to start seeing what’s going
on. It’s difficult when you have a
‘normal’ life because normal life for most people is insanely busy with things
that ‘have to’ be done, preferably now or sooner.
Once those things are removed, and if you’re spending a lot
of time practicing something like tai chi, the games your mind likes to play
become easier to see. And it’s not
pleasant! In the last three months, but
especially in the last couple of weeks, I’ve become much more aware of how much
of my behaviour and feelings are motivated ego games; feeling better-than
someone (haha!) one minute, then almost instantly feeling the opposite (boo
hoo!), or needing to feel ‘special’. As
I type I’m still thinking about how much of this I want to put onto a public
space, but these games are not unique to me, and the amount of unhappiness that
they cause means it’s probably good for us all to be reminded about that part
of ourselves.
Sometimes these games are obvious, but sometimes they are
far less so, as if they’re constantly ‘running in the background’ and dictating
how I feel, think and act without my even realising what’s going on. Coming to the point where I can start to see
these processes is scary but good. There’s
been a lot of emotional stuff to deal with which I hadn’t expected, and it’s
not been easy, especially as I haven’t had anyone to talk things through
with. When I’m feeling okay I can accept
it as part of the journey, at other times I would rather run away, hence all
the American TV and chocolate. In fact,
I think there’s just enough time for a quick episode of ‘Modern Family’ before
bed……
