Wednesday, 8:47AM
I got off to a rough start this morning...I broke silent time within the first 5 minutes of waking up (but I had a good excuse) and the 7:30am meditation didn't go so well. As I was coming back to my room from the bathroom this morning (we have communal bathrooms and showers), I saw one of the volunteers who was a housekeeper here and asked her if the laundry was next to my room. Last night, all I could hear was some thumping sound as I was trying to sleep and it sounded like a washer when it's on the spin cycle. She told me it was the pump for the shower and it shouldn't be on late at night...so she'd speak with the other volunteers to make sure it doesn't happen again. After I spoke to her, I realized I just broke silent time! Doh!
I got up extra early this morning at 6am so I had time to eat a pre-breakfast before meditation and have time to stretch. I was all pumped up and ready to go...took an Aleve for my old lady stiff body, ate my pre-breakfast and got to the Peace Hall early to stretch. I also put on the pain ointment the instructor left out. I was feeling really great...listening to the Tibetan prayers as the meditation sesson started and loving it. Then next thing you know...BAM! The girl next to me starts sneezing and blowing her nose...and it wasn't just once or twice...like every few minutes! I was so distracted and I kept thinking "she is going to get me sick", "why is she even here", "I need to move before the next session so I don't get sick", "where the heck did she come from, I've never even see her before", "am I the only one that is distracted here?"...and on and on. Once I was distracted, that was it...I couldn't regain my focus...even if I tried, I couldn't have kept the focus because she was blowing her nose most of the time. I tried focusing on sounds...but then my mind is like "where are the birds this morning...I don't hear them"...then "oh, there they are...but wait, they're gone again". A few times, I became conscious of my posture and I realized I was leaning towards Laura, who was on the other side of me. My body definitely did not want to be near the sick girl and was leaning away on its own! The 45 minutes felt like an eternity.
After the session ended, Claire and I looked at each other and from the expression on her face, I knew she was thinking the same thing I was about sick girl...but we couldn't talk about it. We laughed since we knew what the other was thinking and as we walked out, I wrapped the scarf around my mouth and said "I was worried she was going to get me sick!"...I already broke silent time once this morning...so another little cheat is ok, right? :)
Let's see how the 9:30am meditation goes...two 30 minute meditation sessions and a 15 minute slow walking. And then another meditation at 11:30am.
Wednesday 2:26PM
I laid down for about 10 minutes before the 9:30am meditation and it felt so good I actually considered skipping the session since the 7:30am one was so distracting with sick girl and I was feeling a bit discouraged. But when I heard them ring the gong, I dragged myself out of bed and rushed to the Peace Hall...and made sure sick girl was not sitting next to me or I was going to move. Luckily, she moved further to the back of the room and was sitting in a chair. I needed to regain my focus and keeping my eyes open during the meditation was just not working. Everytime someone shifted or moved, I could see it out of the corner of my eye and it would distract me...and it hasn't worked for me the last 1.5 days. So the next 3 sessions, I closed my eyes and what a big difference that makes! I could hear the noises of people moving and the birds...but my mind was so much calmer and focused...I felt much more relaxed at the end of each session and I was able to keep my posture the majority of the time because I wasn't as aware of the pain on my body. I think going forward, it'll have to be eyes closed for me even though we aren't suppose to do that.
During our slow walk, I noticed two of the volunteers hugging and getting cozy with each other...I thought that was cute until the girl got upset, threw her hands down and then walked away. The guy went inside the building and the girl walked back over to where I was, but she was visibly upset and crying. It just made me realize that even on such a serene and peaceful place where people come to get away from their distracted life and find peace, there are certain things like emotions of pain, hurt or fear that you can't avoid. Our instructor teaches us to accept these emotions...to not fight it...and then you'll be able to deal with it...but more on that after my personal interview with her!
Lunch was great today...there was mushroom risotto, steamed broccoli, and garden salad. I was so happy to have risotto...this is the closest I'm going to get to my rice! :) And the steamed broccoli was awesome since I love broccoli! I loaded up my plate with those and some salad...thinking I would go back for seconds. But I felt full pretty quickly...so I went for dessert instead which was chocolate pear flan (more like a brownie) with some creamy milk sweet sauce. That was pretty yummy as well even though I am not a big chocolate fan. I swiped a banana to bring to my room in case dinner soup is a bust again.
1:30pm finally rolled around and we could talk again. Sick girl was definitely a topic of discussion I had with Claire and Laura...and how she may end up making 20 people sick since we are all in an enclosed room as she's spreading her germ around. And the topic of impure thoughts came up again. Because Laura put the seed in my head last night that it was my turn to have impure thoughts, I couldn't get away from it. We have to let our mind run with our thoughts and not interfere...so I couldn't even stop the thoughts...I told them they are both bad for contaminating my pure thoughts with such impurities! :) Claire again had more impure thoughts and it was from a steamy book she was reading this morning. I think are all in trouble with these impure thoughts, especially Claire since she's got a little crush on one of the guys here who is an ex-monk.
8:18PM
We had a break before the 5pm meditation...I went walking along the coast again since the sun was out. I feel so lucky to be able to enjoy the beauty of this remote island...just to be able to soak in the view and be away from the world. I'll be sad when I have to leave, but it's definitely a place I would want to come back to visit.
During the 7pm meditation, I think I finally achieved a state of no thought, but only for a few minutes. I don't know for sure though since I'm not sure what the experience is suppose to be like...I have my personal interview with Lama Rinchen tomorrow and I have so many questions for her...but as I was observing my mind tonight...the random thoughts that would run through my head was silent. I was talking to another monk today and was asking him some questions. He told me I definitely need to speak with Lama Rinchen since she's so much more experienced...I think he said she's done 3 or 4 long term retreats (each 3-4 years long) and she is the leader of the 4-year women's retreat that is currently on the other side of the island. I'm in awe of how someone is able to come to a decision to seclude themselves from the world for that long and to take that path. I don't think I could ever do that, but who knows...by the end of this retreat...it might not seem like a bad idea...esp. if you can live on this island!
I feel like today was a good day...I had a rough start, but I managed to turn it around and look forward to seeing what the other days will offer!
