i’ve been lucky enough to have attended
only three funerals. so it was very
strange to think I was the representative for my entire family at my
grandfather’s ceremony.
suddenly, the stubborn grandfather I have
always so respected, loved and sometimes been afraid of, slipped away. he had a nice ceremony. people came in to see him, thin and clean
under lights, like in a wax museum, glossy and garnished with bouquets of fresh
flowers.
he left with twelve white doves and a
flourish of organ, whilst grosie held a strong, almost tearless fort, a courage
unmatched by the remaining party.
death makes you think about family, and how
crucial it is in such times, and the delicate balance held by all types of
similar and conflicting personalities.
with the death of my grandfather i begin to catch his manner in my
uncle, my father, my cousins, and myself;
the somehow considerate but selfish
determination, the firm acknowledgement of our own importance and own regime,
for better, for worse, an established ‘buettikofer’ – we must thank the others
who willingly marry into it and temper our fiery natures.
alongside my inner ‘buettikofer’ i also
think, as grossmutti would say, ‘to my mother’.
i have often thought of the way mum would have reacted in my place. mostly i have been successful in conjuring
some sense of her unique moral justice, coupled with some kind of sensitivity
and a good tomato pie. i wish i could
convey the love in which grossmutti refers to her as a daughter, from the
moment at which she arrived in gurbru, as grosie has said; standing in the
driveway, at a distance sizing up the meaning of the situation, a dark, slight
asian woman in a foreign continent, with an embrace, suddenly part of a new
culture and belonging to a new family. there is something in the way that she speaks
of ‘liebe julie’ that gives me so much comfort and assurance: for my mum, that
she has never done the wrong thing by her svirigier mutter (the family joke
about having a difficult mother has stuck) and for myself, to think that i have
such a stable foundation upon which to build, and that i continue to do, whilst
surrounded by relatives in this complicated time.
with more time in gurbru i see the dynamics
of my own family and become increasingly involved in them. i am glad we can all see the bigger picture,
that this is the time to remember grossvati, and i wish that we could always
keep the bigger picture in mind. i know
i come from an easy place, and without having to organize anything for the
ceremony or much for myself, seem to be a focus of attention, which almost
makes me uncomfortable, aside from which I can see a role to be filled and can
fill it: it is of compromise, attention, gratitude and giving just a little
more than is expected: it is the moderating role that my father and mother
would have filled had they been in switzerland.
had we been in switzerland: sometimes i wonder: would that have made it all more
or less complicated?
there has been a lot to think about during
this time, and the beauty of family has given me hope for another chance in my
academic pursuits, a job perhaps, an option for study:
tomorrow i will send mail to a distant
relative who knows Herzog de Meuron (aiaiai!) and call the ETH in Zurich.
i hope that tan is well and feels comfy
about her exams. whilst realizing it has
been my choice, i miss her so much and can’t help feeling like i’m missing out
on some of her last character-building years.
like some kind of possessive-arrogance, it pains me to think i am no
longer responsible for her! with the
passing of grossvati i see the necessity of companionship in abundance: it
upsets me to think grossmutti should be alone, i have a greater appreciation of
the bond i have with my sister, and i realise that i hate being alone, even if
i need silence, i love to share it with someone.
i have begun to realise why i am here, but
i will keep quiet a little longer in hope that i’ll have a clearer answer.
for now, i am calm, i eat and drink well,
exercise, sleep. i am trying to come to
a certain peace with my body, after neglecting to hear it over two semesters of study, trying to listen to
what it needs and collect the loose ends that make my study and my future.
so back to my portfolio and soon to bed.
this has been an enlightening session, if only for my own sake!
