Dennis

“What is a cow’s happiest place on Earth?”
An expectant air descends on the train carriage. Just thirty minutes into a journey to one of the natural wonders of the world and this is already the seventh cow joke inflicted on the passengers. The Grand Canyon Railway has been transporting and enchanting tourists since 1901, and conductor Dennis’ jokes surely pre-date that first entrepreneurial excursion. While the train itself and the sixty miles of track that link the canyon’s South Rim to the historic town of Williams in Arizona could be seen as a remarkable symbol of American ingenuity, it is Dennis who stands out as the real star of the show.
Goodness knows what would have happened to Dennis if he worked on a train in Britain. Presumably his cow jokes would have led to disciplinary proceedings or protracted court cases rather than merely confused looks from Japanese tourists. Maybe the jokes are his survival mechanism; he certainly has plenty to survive. As well as patiently explaining the intricacies of a successful canyon itinerary to a group ranging dramatically in age, language and tolerance-levels, Dennis enthusiastically introduces traditional western musical entertainment (he must see the ‘chicken dance’ in his dreams) and lovingly indulges the antics of the “cataract creek gang” who board the train on a daily basis to rob the paying public of their money, jewellery and dignity.
Whether a trip to the canyon needs such staged hysteria is debateable, but through the carnage there is one constant: Dennis. Oh, and his cow jokes. The railway itself seems hell-bent on giving its patrons the full tourist experience, perhaps bearing in mind the fact that it lay dormant due to lack of interest and competition from the automobile between 1968 and 1989, allowing Dennis to work on some new material. That it is thriving now is a testament to the likes of Dennis who unflinchingly provide a level of service that could never be replicated back home. For us not to “have a nice day” would be a personal insult to a man who conducts proceedings with such sincere efficiency. And if by way of a tip I can laugh at a cow joke or two then I am happy to oblige. What else am I going to do, look in peace at the breathtakingly improbable Arizona scenery? How udderly ridiculous.
If you were a cow, then a seat on the Grand Canyon Railway should certainly be in contention for your happiest place on Earth. According to Dennis however, “next stop: COWlifornia.”