Around the world: no regrets

The russian man said: “Stand still or this will hurt”. He laughed. My eyes were folded, but I still closed them tight. I tried hard not to move but I was shaking like a leaf. Two other men were holding my shoulders.

This young man from Russia was about to throw me his knives and five balloons were strategically placed in my armpits, in my mouth and between my legs. “Just be careful with my face. Might be expensive to fix”, I said, pretending to be funny.

He took his time playing with his toys to créate atmosphere. I could hear the metal of the knives touching each other. I could feel the blood running through my veins. I could hear the air I was breathing. “What I am doing here?”, I thought, but it was too late to go back.

When he threw the first knife, one image popped up in my mind: it was a little girl. Happy, but very naive. Some other little girls were laughing at her. One balloon burst. I could hear some people screaming.

The second knive was on his way to meet a balloon. The girl, now turned into a teenager, was standing in front of a man. Her face was bleeding and she was in tears: she thought he loved her. A second balloon popped. I could hear people clapping very faraway.

And when the russian man did his act, her mind just went somewhere outside that newzealander circus, thinking of all the things that have hurt her in her past. The russian threw two more knives. For a second, I thought “What if it gets into my heart?” I would not feel pain again. But then, the fifth and last knive was thrown. It was flying in the air, straight into the balloon that she was holding in her mouth. This time –this last time- there was no image from the past. Instead, I decided to focus in the present.

“Hey, you suddenly stop shaking. That’s incredible”, said the russian man.

And with a smile, I replied: “Well, i was thinking something else”. Then, I started thinking about the future. And i realized i didn’t feel fear anymore and then I decided to stay two weeks more in New Zealand, the country that changed my life forever. With five knives.