Stop looking, you'll find yourself

I was thinking about the time I got makeover at the mall in sixth grade. I had no idea why, but in the middle of the Costa Rican rainforest, it was what had crossed my mind.

A cascade of white flowers drifted down in the damp August breeze, one landed on my toe.

“From the Ylang Ylang tree, it’s used in Chanel perfume.” the lodge owner, Jonathan, told me.

That explains the mall, I thought, and decided to keep it to myself. I nodded and we kept walking up the beach where I had met him so that he could lead me the lodge I was staying at for the next four days.

After over a month in Costa Rica by myself, I was home sick, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. This was my great post-graduation adventure, where I was going to find myself, and be the worldly traveller I had always envisioned myself to become.

So far I just felt lost.

Eight hours later it was 3 a.m. and I was half asleep and on my way to the beach with Jonathan and groundsman. It was a full moon and they had invited me to search for nesting sea turtles, so they could move the nests to their on-site hatchery where they would be safe from predators.

In the dark, my other senses took over and the Ylang Ylang was as prominent as ever. Once we got to the water, the moon reflected off the ocean, and I could see again.

We silently trekked up and then back down the coast, with no sign of a turtle.

I wanted so badly to see one, but didn’t happen that night.

As I walked back to my room in a delirious, sleepy state, I breathed in the flowery scent again and thought back to the turtles, I hadn’t seen one that night because I wanted to. Just because I wanted to find myself on this trip, didn’t mean I could force it to happen. To see a turtle I might have to walk the beach every night for a month, maybe two. To become the traveller I wanted to be, I had to walk through every life experience knowing that even if I didn’t see what I was hoping to, it still had the potential to get me there.

Before I boarded my water taxi to leave the lodge three days later, I took a final deep breath.

But this time, the Ylang Ylang didn’t take me back to the past, it kept me right there, in the present. I realized had found a part of myself where I least expected to, and to make that kind of discovery, all you have to do is show up.