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Central America 2007 "sure we're ready for Guatemala, but is Guatemala ready for us?!"

an exercise for yáll at home

GUATEMALA | Saturday, 24 November 2007 | Views [665] | Comments [3]

So,

 in the event that you are wondering how I am getting to all of the fabulous places that I visit: sadly darlings its not all private jets and yachts for little Laura down in central america. In realitly it is mostly "shuttles"-code for some dude´s soccer-mom mini van with the decal of some badly misspelled english travel agency on the side. the worst is whne they pack those things full of fat gringos and you are so fucking hungover you think think you might just die and your traveling companions wont stop prattling on about "blumpkins" (if you dont know what that is IM not gonna be the one to tell you...google it)..But anyway, sometimes I travel by "taxi"-code for a mid eighties sedan with (Im not exaturating here)a black SPRAY PAINTED rear window tint job. It doesnt really tint rear visability so much as block it entirely. very useful for illegal border runs (not too difficult as at times border croosing guards are busy with other important official business like, say,  poking at things in the dirt with a stick (true story, ask Kate).. Other times a "taxi" can be fourten year olds pickup truck and you get to stand up in the back and hold on to these metal bars sort of chariot style..This one is my second favorite..second only to: (and here is the part where reader participation comes into play) CHICKEN BUSES. If you want to get a feel for what a chicken bus is like I implore you to participate in the following exercise:

1. Remember back to grade school when you had to ride the school bus everyday,now think about how they were so uncomfortable that a fiftenn minute ride seemed like hours-try about four to seven hours. The typical chcicken bus is an old school bus painted up all perdy (usually some combo of bright red blue and green, maybe a little orange for good measure. usually the paint job includes some form of inspirational spiritual message on the front of the bus, such as "god is my warrior" or "I screwed jehovah and all I got was this crappy school bus" ..okay I made up the last one, but you get the idea). inside the sc hool bus is pretty much the same as it was decades ago (same broken seats) except for the ginormous stolen set of pioneer speakers in the front and back of the bus (oh, I forgot to mention the subwoofer-Dios help you if you get stuck sitting on THAT seat, your ass will get blown out)

2. Now go get something that weighs roughly fourty pounds and put it on your lap (for the sake of the exercise we will call this my backpack).

3. Find two grown men and ask them to also sit sort of on your lap (yeah they will fit three grown men into one school bus seat designed to fit  for two children)

4. Next play the song " a dios le pido" by Juanes as loud as your stereo will allow..now play it again seven times in a row.

5. (optional) pay some drunk dude a dollar or somthing to sit really close to you and stare at you for an hour or two (oh and make sure his breath smells AWESOME like rotten avocados)

if you have followed my instructions carefuly and have even the slightest bit of an imagination you now have a better idea of my favorite mode of transportaion in central america..seriously though, I kid, but I live riding the chicken buses. The experience is so raw and funny. The last one I rode was at night-on our way to antigua...the dude collecting the fare made us pay extra for our bags (which we had to hold on our laps casue they wouldnt put them on top of the bus, so they could charge us for them of course, but no biggie). When we got to antigua instead of just letting us out with the rest of the locals the stopped the bus opened the back door and basically threw us out the back of the bus (almost leaving Kate behind).then they sped away leaving us in what seemed to be the midle of nowhere. OF COURSE, at that moment a souped up camero full of gangster types pulled up and laughed at us. At this point though I was also laughing hysterically at he absurdidty of the situation..In the end some guy in a pickup rode us into town where we got directions for our lodgings, and the rest is history...

more later on the happenings since Roatan...

Tags: planes trains & automobiles

Comments

1

"some guy in a pickup" doesn't sound like the best bet, but what do I know. I've thought on more than one occasion that I was being driven to my death and that was with friends...take care. I'll try to call in the few days.

  Stephaine Nov 26, 2007 9:31 AM

2

You've ridden with Lisa before right?

How can I get onto one of these Chicken busses? They don't sound too bad.

  Bill Nov 28, 2007 2:56 AM

3

I am going to ask Ann about blumpkins. she may slap me.

  Amy Dec 16, 2007 8:31 AM

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