Alien Abroad

Where’s Wally? Or Waldo if you’re American. Ou Charlie si vous etez Français? Walter if German. You get the gist. He has a different name wherever you go. What’s he up to?

I liked ‘reading’ the Wally books as a kid. I didn’t have many friends. Luckily, I can’t blame my personality for the lack of play pals (even though that’s clearly why). It’s due to my Father's penchant for kicking horses in the ribs. He was a jockey. A fairly successful one which meant that my I had to follow him around. Not easy when he was on a horse.

I’m nomadic by nurture. My passport says ‘nationale Française’ but I’ve lived in the UK most of my life & I'm now married to an American. I am the Allies. This pilgrim lifestyle (plus the abandonment of my parents; cue violins) has led me to become an attention seeker. And thus was born a stand up comedian. A job that’s taken me all over the World and caused me much trouble.

The Red Sea filled with my blood one day as I pretended I could scuba dive, even though I merely learned to do so by watching YouTube videos. I nearly drowned.
Years later, I swam with sharks sans cage in The Bahamas. They were merely reef sharks, but the bubbles from my scuba gear rose through my hair, styling the underwater quiff like some dancing seaweed, teasing the beasts into almost biting my forehead off.
I was forced (yes, forced) into a Singaporean brothel. All the women grabbed my crotch and giggled at the fact I had a penis, because back then, I had long hair and wore enough make up to look like my Mother.
I drunkenly bought a ticket to Australia. For one month. On my own. During the Winter festivities. I ate dry tuna out of the can while looking out at the Blue Mountains for Christmas, with the three sisters as my only company.
I accidentally went to Cambodia during the King’s funeral. Depressing. Me, in my rainbow shorts and gargantuan gums walking around confused as to why everyone swarmed the streets, either crying or staring at the smiling giant taking pictures of the place.
I climbed Mount Kenya but got lost on the way down. But they found me. And this is how.

Wally was my only friend as a child. And to this day, I carry his costume wherever I go & dress like him for a picture in front of a country’s landmark. (And maybe tourists accidentally snap me & ‘find Wally’ when they look through pictures). That’s my strange travel treasure. And luckily, it saved my life. Red & white clothing doesn’t camouflage well in the green of the Rift Valley.