To settle. According to Wikipedia it is to "adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home." Settle. Why does such a small word cause me so much anxiety? Is it not scary for others to accept that the life you made is enough? That the love you have is enough? That the job you chose was enough? That you won't regret your decisions or be unhappy with your choices? Is that not scary for some? I can say it definitely terrifies me.
To some, I'm their annoying traveling friend. I'm always going somewhere or exploring new things. If I'm not going or exploring then I'm planning or saving for it. It's all I begin to talk about. People start assuming I'm rich. How can you afford to go to Europe for 7 weeks? Truth is, I probably can't. However, that won't stop me from going. Why? Settling. The idea of graduating and starting my life permanently somewhere is enough to make me jump on a plane and run for as long as my rational mind will allow me. Traveling for me calms my nerves. It expands my perspective. It allows my constant worrying to stop momentarily. I no longer have to think about all the future questions people begin asking. Where are you going to work? Are you going to move back home or stay in Chicago? Why don't you have a boyfriend? Are you ever going to get married?
Society tells us that we should always have a plan. In order to be a responsible human being we must not steer far off our paths. Stick to the road most travelled. Whether that means holding a respectable career, creating a family with your chosen partner, or living in one place. Time and money is of the essence. However, what happened to dreams or curiosities? What happened to living in the present?
I wish "I don't know" was an acceptable answer for everything. People don't actually want to hear your real answers. They want to hear what they think or believe you should do.
They don't want to hear that I may never move back home or that I'm thinking of moving to a new city. That I'm ok with not getting a job right away. That I don't have a boyfriend because I barely have enough time for myself let alone a significant other. Or that I held a glimpse of what real love feels like and I now refuse to settle for anything less than that. How about the fact that I don't trust as easily anymore or am skeptical to believe that marriages even work. Are these the truths you want to hear when you ask questions regarding my future? Probably not.
To settle. To accept that your life in this moment is what you truly desire. Which may mean giving up on your aspirations. Being committed to someone whom you may never feel that "spark" for. Balancing your dreams with reality. Being able to accept what you have or what you are given. Then finally just being ok with any of that. To settle doesn't seem all that bad when you look at the bigger picture but as of right now I think I'll continue dreaming.
