Bananas and Bungalows

Had it not been for my avid scrutiny of the Zombie Survival Guide (which I had read, highlighted, and annotated), I might not have survived the apocalyptic attack.

My friend and I had retreated to a small bungalow in the jungle of Koh Chang, an island off the coast of Thailand. I was sitting on my bed reading, when suddenly through a crack in the door I noticed movement among the trees. As I stepped outside I came upon a spectacular sight: an adorable troop of monkeys bounding and leaping from tree to tree as if the entire jungle had come alive to do a shindig just for me.

I soon returned to my bungalow, not bothering to close the door. I stood by my bed placing belongings into my backpack, when suddenly I heard a commotion behind me. I turned and a shriek of terror erupted from my lips as I realized I had an intruder…but the shriek quickly morphed into a squeal of delight as I realized the intruder was a monkey scurrying up the wall, reaching for my bananas hanging on a nail. As I shrieked he retreated, and I closed the door behind him, laughing hysterically.

Suddenly there was a loud thump on my roof. Then another, louder thump. Then a thump on my porch. And another. And another. The banana thief had returned, and this time he had brought friends and formulated an attack on my bungalow.

I cracked the door to peer out… and sitting there on my porch, glaring at me with evil, blood-red eyes, was my arch nemesis, the monkey. And that little fella had the audacity to bare his teeth at me and growl.

What started off as a “nonchalant watching monkeys from my porch” sort of day quickly transformed into a “defending my bananas from Zombie-like monkeys in an apocalyptic attack” sort of day.

Next thing I knew, monkeys were crawling all over my roof and marching across my porch with the determined tenacity of soldiers on a mission. Fortunately I had seen every 007 movie known to man, was once a super hero in my former life, AND knew the Zombie Survival Guide front to back. And while these monkeys were not exactly Zombies, they did have razor-sharp teeth, and probably would not have hesitated to eat my flesh had I stood between them and the bananas.

So I fought back. Those punks did not stand a chance against my survival skills. I screamed, yelled, pulled out some Kung Fu moves, made up a few of my own, and eventually…I made those suckers run.

That was the day I learned the truth about monkeys. They are downright vicious once they know you have bananas.