I sense envy. Everywhere. Everyone. I cut through the thick atmosphere of jealousy in an immense burst of speed. Mortal minions are forced to leap from my path as I forge my own frantic course through the streets of Madrid. I pull up alongside an expensive German car. The passengers look at me as I look at them. I nod proudly in their direction and they cowardly divert their gaze back towards the traffic lights. They don’t want to acknowledge the supreme awesomeness of my mode of transport.
Upon reaching an impossibly high curb I laugh hysterically. It is no match for my expertly engineered two-wheeled masterpiece. With a decisive shift of balance I launch off the obstacle, landing safely back on the ground and head towards the Palacio Real. At this pace I will possibly bend the fabric of space and time before I have a chance to arrive. I pull back on the throttle, bringing the electronic beast to a manageable tempo.
Realising that I have almost entered another dimension and left the rest of my intrepid group behind I find a safe place to land the vessel. I spin gracefully on the spot in a manner that ballerinas can only aspire to achieve. To my right is a young boy, no more than the age of 5. His mouth drops open. I beam ecstatically at him, knowing that this chance encounter has no doubt altered the kid’s path for all future dreams and endeavours. He begins to utter a noise that questions this notion of mine.
He laughs.
Uncontrollably.
At me.
He points his tiny, churro-covered fingers and says something in Spanish that I interpret as, “What the hell is that idiot riding?” I scoff at him. He doesn’t understand. He is too young to comprehend the futuristic phenomenon that materialised before him. I observe the rest of my gang round the corner and shoot off towards them, wishing the pre-pubescent child better luck in his taste in vehicles.
Our collective posse is huddled around an apparent unfortunate scene. It seems that one of the older Iranian ladies in our group got caught up on a rock and took a horrid crash. A superficial graze, the substantial size of a one Euro coin has now scarred her elbow. Words of comfort are offered to her, and she sheepishly rises, petrified to mount the powerful machine again. With much encouragement from her friends she overcomes this newfound fear and bravely steps onto the platform once again. Her courage is inspirational.
We begin cruising the plaza at breakneck speed weaving in and out of families with a fierce, “Con permiso”. They leap out of our way in justified trepidation. As they realise what has just zoomed past them in a flash of blinding light they look at each other and offer words of reassurance. As I pirouette and streamline back past them I hear a snicker. I pretend I did not hear them and continue my circumnavigation of the quadrangle. I start to realise that the crowd that has gathered in the area are all looking at me. They’re faces are all distorted in shapes of hilarity. They too are laughing.
There is ridicule and emotion-draining phrases directed at me. I have become a spectacle. Cameras are no longer pointed at the historic royal palace and instead are snapping pictures of me aboard my motorised vehicle. I start to wonder how many people’s Facebooks I will be uploaded onto in the coming hours. The obvious tourist with no sense of style.
I do not let this deter me. I keep my head held high, rejoin my group and start to fly back to headquarters. Our expedition has reached its climax and it is now time to return. In a matter of lightning fast moments we touch down at base and demount the stallions. The tour has ended and the depressing moment of handing the controls back to our guide Sergio is upon us.
I thank Sergio with a broad, “muchas gracias” and use my now wobbly legs to walk away from my adventure. The hurtful words and intense chuckling has done little to bring my mood down. I am on cloud nine. My first experience of this new method of exploration has been surprisingly positive, despite the mockery. I never believed the opportunity to undertake such a monumental excursion would be extended to me. All my previous ideas of the ridiculousness of this activity have been quashed. I stare up at the skies and wonder, does Heaven have Segway tours?
A big thank you to "Get Your Guide Tours" for giving me the opportunity to experience the future, today!
