Rules & Regulations of Driving in Southeast Asia - As Seen Through The Eyes of a Foreigner...
1. When driving along narrow, snake-like roads in the mountains, never stay in your own lane. Instead, drive blindly into possible oncoming traffic at lightening speed. There is no need to fear anything as you have your trusty horn which will naturally protect you from any possible harm.
2. To determine the age when one is ready to drive, place child on selected mode of transport, if they can find the key to turn it on, they are old enough to drive.
3. A family that rides together grows together. Your moped may appear small but do not be deceived by it's size. There is more than enough room for mom, dad, grandma, and the kids. The family dog can easily squeeze by your feet and leave plenty of room in the front basket for your kitchen sink should you feel the necessity to bring it.
4. Get to know your vehicle before driving it. Find the key, the gas, and most importantly the horn. Disregard any form of breaks should you find them as they are of no use to you. Even better than that, remove them entirely and sell the parts to buy a louder horn.
5. Your vehicle should generally have 2 speeds. 1 - lightening speed, 2 - standing still. When approaching a typical intersection of 4 lanes of traffic with 6 more lanes merging in from all directions and no street lights - keep moving at top speed and ensure your protection by laying on the horn - you will be pleasantly surprised that this organized chaos will protect you from all harm as it does for the other 2 million people doing the exact same thing at the exact same time.
6. Should you encounter wandering cattle while speeding down the road, When speeding down the road, honk your horn, if they do not get out of your way quickly enough, you are entitled to hit them at full speed.
7. If you are lucky enough to have a pick-up truck, do not take this for granted. Make full use of it at all times. To do this, Fill it at least 20 feet above it's capacity and secure everything down with one small piece of rope. When this is done, grab as many people as possible and sit them on top of this pile. Continue to drive at deathly speeds.
8. Almost more important than the use of your horn is the rule on checking your blindspot before merging into traffic. Whatever you do, no matter the urge, DO NOT check your bloodspot. Always look straight ahead and have complete disregard for anything that goes on around you.
9. After the inevitable happens and your vehicle experiences some form of damage, you will need to learn the secret of duct tape and bamboo. Together they can fix absolutely anything. They can reattach tires, form entire new gas tanks, and are even capable of making the entire frame of a bicycle. There isn't anything that cannot be fixed with these in your possession.
10. As a foreigner, you must accept these rules and adjust to this form of driving. You will learn quickly, as you have no choice, and will find yourself in complete disregard for common rules in no time. Be sure however to also beware of the other dangers of monkeys, snakes, and elephants that will also be sharing the road with you.
I think it's safe to say that this is a pretty accurate depiction of the driving I have experienced here - I think it's one of the many mysteries of the world that all of Southeast Asia has managed to refrain from extinction and has survived these methods of transport!
