Connotations of Fate

“I don’t think fate can explain everything.” My friend Becky comments as I stare blankly at the menu in front of me. We’d met three months before I’d been accepted for an exchange program in Nanchang, China, through a language website. Back when I thought I could learn Chinese. Back when I thought I was ready for China.

“How so?” I ask, only half listening, struggling to make sense of the characters presented me, and in a twisted way, make sense of just I was doing there. It was hot, a good 32 degrees Celsius, and the open front street restaurant provided no relief as car horns blared and woks sizzled, drowning out any hopes of comprehension.

“In Chinese, we have this word, ?. In English is fate but I still think it’s not the best translation.” Becky continues, watching me, much as the rest of the restaurant does. Becky is an English teaching major at another university, yet shares my belief in the shallowness of English words. I was one of the first foreigners she’d met, and she in turn was one of my only Chinese friends.

“Yuán.” I repeat, rolling it around, testing it out, much as I intended to do with the tofu dish I’d decided to order, full of spices I couldn't pronounce, and a mystery pepper I loved in dishes, but hated in my mouth. “What does it mean then?”

“? means fate plus special feeling. Hmm, maybe serendipity? Though maybe that word is just between lovers.”

I laugh.

“This is a very useful word.” She continues. “In your life you've met every single person because of?. Your parents, your siblings, your friends. Strangers. Me. All?.”

I’d never seen her so serious, as if this was the most important thing she was ever to tell me. I didn't see the practicality at the time, more intent on simple phrases about cab fair, and food names.

“You’re going home soon.”

I nod, half expecting her to insist that that was yuán and where I should have stayed. That China was no place for me. I knew she’d miss me, of course, but she knew how much I struggled. How little pieces of me fell apart every day.

“Hmm, yes. But you’ll be back.” She spoke with certainty.

“Why you say that?”

“Because you and China have ?.” It was finality.

I smile now because she knew.