and finding something cool

Back Home.

I’m in a shoddy little night club karaoke lounge, secluded by the wild, jungle vegetation that overruns all of Lubao. The place is starting to smell a little funky- stale beer and musky sweat.The karaoke machine is humming in the background, playing that one Carpenters song everyone knows. You know, why do birds suddenly appear? My head feels fuzzy, I mean, what is this- my fourth San Miguel at this point? And there’s this woman, sitting real close next to me.

She scootches even closer to me and suddenly, her face is so close to mine that I could smell the gum she was chewing just an hour ago . She presses her hand on the inner part of my thigh and I fumble the bottle in my hand, accidentally splashing a little beer on her. She giggles, probably because I looks so dumb and nervous. She’s wiping the shiny beads from her cheek. She’s always smiling and giggling. It’s hard to look her straight in the eye. One more beer will get me through this. I better chug the rest of this beer.

She’s just doing her job, you know. She got paid and probably even needs the money. I wonder if she thinks she can get a Visa if she woos me. I know, it’s kind of sad. It’s ok though, I need something from her too.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the bastard who dragged me into this mess. My cousin, he told me he wanted to show me a good time. He’s muscled, bursting out of his polo with that stupid popped collar. Rich and confident- A paragon of masochism, like he’s completely and thoroughly American. Unlike me. The other woman was sitting on his lap and doing a little dance, while he leaned back with his hands behind his head. That’s the goal, right?

I turn back and finally lock my gaze straight into hers. I’m calling the bluff. My heart is beating and pounding so fast, like it wants to punch a hole through my rib cage. My hand quivers as I touch her face, to guide her my lips. With my eyes closed, I force her wet, red lips onto mine. I kiss her.

Shouldn't the fireworks should be exploding, right? I pull back to assess the damage and then look into her eyes again. This time, they showed something else, no longer coy and teasing but knowing and little sad.

“A...are you gay?” She stammered a bit. She asking but she knows the answer. I nod my head. Out here, back to where I was born, It should feel like I’ve come home. I thought I could finally by myself but I’m still playing pretend.

“It’s ok, you know.” She smiles and holds my hand. I squeeze back.