My Big Climb

I want to die. But first I want to kill my sister for convincing me to do this, then my brother for helping her, then the smug athletes racing past me.

It is this train of morbid thoughts that sustains me as I struggle up South-East Asia's highest peak - Mount Kinabalu in Malaysia.

It is dark, about 2.30am and freezing. I have my thermals on but quickly discard them as the energy needed for the climb generates body heat.

I am aching in places I didn't know existed. I am finding new reservoirs of endurance as my mind baulks at the miles still above me, illuminated in the dark by the twinkling trail of headlights as climbers crawl to the summit.

But I am not in the mood to appreciate the beauty of the scene - the stately neighbouring peaks and wispy white clouds enveloping us as we ascend into the sky.

Mt Kinabalu is regarded as holy by the local Kadazan people who believe it is a resting place of the spirits of those who have died.

The Kadazan perform regular ceremonies to protect climbers attempting the trek.

That a team of people are praying for my well-being calms me down.

The climb operator, provides our group with a guide, Taising Samadin who becomes my personal saviour.

Taising is a 55-year-old Malaysian man who has been conquering the mountain for over 30 years.

He has smiling eyes and accompanies me patiently through rock falls, tricky crevices and hallucination-inducing altitude.

He is my Tenzing Norgay in the Everest-like battle for this non-sporty beginner to accomplish the impossible - reach the summit before sunrise the next day.

We reach the Mountain Torq's Pendant hut at base camp in the afternoon where we will spend the night and then prepare for the final haul of the journey the next day.

I am feeling weak and mumble to the group something about "this not being my thing" and staying at base camp.

My brother and sister look at me in pity.

There is only after all 2.7km left to reach the summit. It would be a shame to stop now.

But it is the last leg which is the steepest.

I think of my story and the impossible triumph. I think of who I represent - the unfit, the fearful.

I must do it for them.

Taising tells me to hold his hand, I grab him like a liferaft as he navigates my climb through our last kilometre.

The summit looms ahead but is still so desperately far.

It is a sheer almost vertical rocky drop which stands separately on the flat part of the mountain.

Finally, I am at the top. I understand why this mountain is considered sacred.

We are on top of the world, with the orange red colours of daybreak bathing us, high above the clouds.

I feel like dying. But this time in a good way.