Crimes committed against youth hostelling: 1 - putting plastic in the paper and board recycling bin
Ah, where can I begin? Let's start with the youth hostel that we're staying at and it's genial manager Basil Hitler aka Adolf Fawlty. That's not his actual name but it fits as he has all the charm and people skills of Basil Fawlty but without the warmth and general bonhomie. He also likes to run a tight ship, not so much like say a top chef in a kitchen but more like Hitler and his Third Reich. He's one of those guys who, realising that he really doesn't like people and that he can't stand backpackers in particular, looked at the career choices ahead of him and decided tourism and hospitality was the career for him. Yes folks, this is the fella who really puts the hostile into youth hostelling.
His MO, his specialty, his party trick if you will, is sign writing; there is barely an object or activity that doesn't merit it's own signage. I'm including a couple of examples below just as a taster:
In the kitchen:
CLEAN PAPER AND BOARD ONLY (on one of three recycling bins with orders similarly barked across them)
USE THE FAN WHEN COOKING ANYTHING IN THIS KITCHEN OR THE SMOKE ALARM WILL SOUND
Above the washing machine:
GUESTS MAY ONLY USE THE RED WASHING LINE. ALL OTHER LINES ARE FOR MANAGEMENT USE ONLY.
(There was no red washing line)
In the dorm:
SLEEPING BAGS ARE PROHIBITED IN THIS HOSTEL FOR REASONS OF HYGIENE. ANY SLEEPNG BAGS FOUND WILL BE THROWN OUT
(It's true, someone returned once to find theirs had been chucked onto the log pile whilst they were away)
In the shower room (one of only two showers in the hostel):
PLEASE LIMIT YOUR SHOWER TIME TO NO MORE THAN 5 MINUTES. FOR THE CONVENIENCE OF YOUR FELLOW GUESTS YOU SHOULD LIMIT YOUR TOTAL TIME IN THIS BATHROOM TO BETWEEN 7-8 MINUTES
That one was my particular favourite; does that mean an outright ban on my three-minute conditioner then? I don't think I'm alone in the female world when I say that women's clothing is so flipping complicated that it takes me a good five minutes just to get undressed - god forbid anyone should be wearing Spanks or magic knickers - it could take them a fortnight!
7-8 minutes, my god! That's no number twos then and definitely no taking the newspaper in with you. The first time I actually braved the shower I half expected it to turn icy cold after 5 minutes, for red warning lights to start flashing on and off, a siren to start blaring and for the curtain to whisk back automatically revealing me in my soapy glory to my fellow hostellers whilst a metallic voice shouted over the tannoy "Your allotted shower time is now up, please leave the bathroom immediately. Don't you know there's a drought on."
By the end of the week I was afraid to sit on the sofa in case I hadn't noticed a 'This sofa is not for sitting on, anyone found sitting on this sofa will be evicted AND THAT MEANS YOU' sign above it.
I always wondered in Fawlty Towers, how Basil ever had any guests and now I'm beginning to understand why. There's a particularly perverse pleasure to be had in remaining where somebody clearly doesn't want you to be, just because you know how much they hate it. I found myself dangling plastic over the paper bin when he was around in the kitchen just to watch the vein on his forehead start to throb a little bit and inching the toaster millimetres away from it's correct position (more of that later).
Seriously, by the time we left I swear I saw him giving his mini van a jolly good thrashing with the branch of a gum tree.
Elsie
