First thing Tuesday morning we hired a car to get us to the airport. I was initially concerned we were not giving ourselves enough time, but it turns out the screening process in Australia for in country flights is pretty tame. It took exactly 30 seconds for me to walk through security, so we had plenty of time. Once inside the airport, I discovered a fantastic treat, meat pies. Now I have seen these before in England, but it had never occurred to me to actually get one. But being first thing in the morning, I was pretty hungry and a meat pie for breakfast sounded pretty damn good. The lady asked me something about mashed potatoes and peas. I was not sure what exactly she was asking, but extra food is something I normally do not shy away from so I nodded ‘yes’. Turns out, she just piled the mashed potatoes and peas on top of the meat pie, threw it in a box, nuked it until said mixture was the standing temp of molten lava and then handed it over. I sat down to eat this thing. The meat pie was freaking HOT but at the same time delicious. I ate that thing as fast as I could without permanently scarring the inside of my mouth. Just then, I saw Michelle rounding the corned from getting a coffee. I relayed that if she had any interest in eating whatsoever, she should explore one of these meat pies. So she gets one without the peas and potatoes on top, but she does get a fancy individual ketchup packet. If used correctly, this ketchup packet is designed to use one handed, and with a little finesse, spreads the ketchup across where you point the business end. Turns out, Michelle had never seen this type package before. She gave it a quick look, squeezed it and promptly shot a red stripe all across the front of her white shirt.
We got on the plane and took off for Uluru(Ayers Rock)which is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. We had a pretty small plane and got some good turbulence. I guess I always knew that Michelle was not a fearless flyer, but she really freaked on this flight. At one point, she had a fist full of my shirt and was pulling it towards her. It felt like she was trying to yank me out of my seat. The airport at Uluru is pretty small. There was only one other plane in the whole place and it looked like a relic from WWII. There is one car rental counter with three choices. And there is one baggage claim carousel. Alexis got our car which, out there, takes a lot of work. Alexis is pretty efficient when it comes to these things and it still took her 20+ minutes to get the keys. We took off from the airport, drove 2 miles and turned into the only resort within 100 miles. This place consisted of a single looped road. On it, there are some hotels, a gas station, housing for the workers, 1 cool outside bar and a few hotel type bars.
I am not exactly sure when, but it was either at the airport, the hotel or the gift shop. But I had 4 flies attack me. I had one land near each eye and one land on each ear. I was swatting away when Matt grumbled, “And here are the flies”. Turns out, there are trillions of flies in the Northern Territories. As soon as you get out of the car, they descend. The swatting motion you employ to temporarily get a fly to get the hell off your face is called the Aussie Salute. The flies were relentless. If you were outside and not swimming, you had 3-4 flies swarming your face. High wind, sun, shade, whatever, it did not matter, you had flies. Lots of people wear a fly net over their head to keep the flies out of their faces. It looked like a good idea, but it also looked pretty damn gay when a guy was wearing one, so I never did. I am not sure it is ever a good idea to look gay in the Outback.
As we were checking in to our hotel, I wandered around the lobby and into a gift shop. The girl there was pretty friendly so I asked where I could load my refrigerator with beer. That is when I first found out that grabbing a beer in Australia is both harder and much more expensive than in the US. She started rattling off all sorts of stuff. You cannot buy beers in a gas station or grocery store(WTF?!?). At this resort, there was only one place to get beers to go, a place called the Outback Bar which was just down the loop. She warned me about drinking in public although it wasn’t like there are any coppers there (her words). She explained that this difficulty in getting beer was all in order to keep beers out of the hands of aboriginals. I brought this info back to the room. Matt and Alexis confirmed that there was great effort put in to keep beer semi-available to people like me and not available to the natives.
We dropped our bags in our room and Matt and I immediately took off to find a hotel type bar. There was one close by called the Lost Camel. It turns out it was aptly named as we could not find it. We caught up with the wives as we were wandering around and decided to find the Outback bar which was just down the loop. The Outback was the one cool outside bar. 12oz bottles of beer were $6.50. 16oz drafts were even more. We ordered a pizza with egg on it for lunch. The egg topping seemed strange at first, but it tasted like it belonged.
After lunch we drove to the actual Ayers Rock. There is no mistaking the direction as it is the biggest thing around. We went to the visitor center and the shops. I think the climb to the top was closed that day due to the heat. Apparently they do not want tourists climbing to the top and then passing out from heat stroke. Since we could not climb Ayers, we piled back into the car and went to another similar outcropping of rocks called The Olgas about 10 miles down the road. This was my first chance to drive on the wrong side of the road. I was so fired up, I had Michelle take a 5 second video as proof. At one point I had my own "WHOLY SHIT!! HE IS COMING RIGHT AT US!!" moment as it looked like a bus was coming for me in a traffic circle. I hit the brakes and got a chorus of “What are you doing? Don’t stop in the roundabout!” from the back seat. It was pretty amusing, the new driving conditions were stressing me out and my driving was stressing them out.
I should point out here that in 2 weeks, I never once saw a 4 way stop at an intersection. They just do not exist. Every intersection is a mini traffic circle that flows to the left. It is pretty brilliant. As Matt pointed out, “Why the hell would you want everyone to stop at every intersection?” I could not agree more.
On the way back to our room, I stopped by the Outback Bar to get some beer for the room. I asked for a 12 pack. The bartender informed me I could only buy 6 at a time. I smirked as I saw Matt, knowing he could just buy the next 6er. But that is when the bartender gave me the total for a 6 pack of standard beer to go. $39.50! At those rates, 12 beers to go at $79 seemed a little excessive, so we just took the 6. I swear I almost seat-belted that 6pack in.
That night, we had booked a dinner called “Sounds of Silence”. They took us on a bus out to a sand dune all served all sorts of snacks, beer, wine, and champagne to start. For dinner we had kangaroo, steaks, fish and other stuff. At our table was an elderly couple, a younger couple consisting of an airline pilot and a doctor and the 4 of us. After unlimited dinner and drinks, we were all feeling it. We were telling stories and getting loud and having a pretty great time. Our server was this cute little girl who had been on the job for all of 2 days. As such, she was bright and eager to please. After a while, I would just catch her eye and she would head for the beer cooler for me. It was awesome. And then, the sounds of silence apparently started. Some guy started playing a didgeridoo and most of the tables started to get quiet and soak in the music. That didn’t happen at our table. Some lady came over to ask Michelle “Is there any way you could possibly quiet down so we can enjoy this portion of the experience?” Michelle waved her hand in front of her own throat and told the lady “There is NO chance of that happening”. So much for that lady trying the polite approach. When the host had everyone stay as quiet as possible for a full minute to hear the sounds of the desert, it was the hardest time I ever had trying to not to laugh. Maybe they should have renamed the dinner “Sounds of Drunken Laughter”. Part of the dinner was an explanation of the stars that night. The hosts broke out some telescopes and we could see moons orbiting planets above. There is no light pollution that far from civilization. Seeing planets and moons that clearly was pretty amazing. The Sothern Cross was past the horizon. I never did see the Southern Cross that night or any other. I wish I would have seen that. On the way home from dinner, the bus dropped the pilot and doctor off first. Something had been bugging me about this guy so I told the others that I thought this guy was a fake pilot. This guy had Costanza pretending to be an architect all over him. He was a lot of fun to drink and party with, I just could not get over that this guy seemed like he was full of crap. Turns out the rest of the group picked up on it too. I checked some of his stories with my friend who is a real pilot later and confirmed my suspicions. I would never hold it against him, he was a great storyteller. I give him credit for trying to pull it off.
The next day we took our time getting up and heading back to Ayers Rock to try and climb it again. Turns out, it was too hot to climb at 8AM. Since there is nothing else remotely close, we took off for Kings Canyon National Park about 300km away.
There is nothing out here as far as people go. Matt did call out “Hey, there are some camels!” but I was driving and did not see them. In 3 hours of driving, I think I passed 3 cars. It would suck to break down there without a crapload of food and water. At about 2.5 hours in, we found a gas station attached to a small burger stand. This place had a refrigerator full of sodas and beer, a bathroom, a gift shop and offered camel rides, quad rentals and helicopter tours. It was owned by a guy who owned 2000 square kilometers of land who had no competition within 50 miles in any direction. I ordered a burger and a beer. When I was done with my first beer I ordered a second. The lady asked if I was staying there. I said I was not. She said I could not have a beer unless I was staying there or was on a bus tour. So I told her I was on a bus tour. She looked over my shoulder and saw the last bus had long since departed. She asked me which bus tour I was on. I looked back over my shoulder and saw there was no bus and little hope of getting a second beer so I settled for a ginger beer.
Kings Canyon was OK, but we were looking for a swimming hole. It had not rained in a long time and the only water we found was black and stagnant. In a hot place like the outback, water is everything.
On the way back, we passed a car that had flipped on the other side of the road. Emergency crews were on site. A man had his arm around another man who was sitting down in obvious grief overlooking his wife in a body bag. I read the story later. They were coming from the same place we visited. They had gone to Kings Canyon and were heading back to Ayers Rock. They were driving the same type rental car and had 2 couples in the car. They were doing the exact same thing we were. It was heartbreaking to think that could have been us.
With the accident fresh in my mind, Michelle was driving back to our resort. Alexis hypothesized that whoever was driving the car that had crashed drifted to the left, hit the soft sand in the shoulder, overcorrected and flipped. She said it happened all the time. As she is telling us this, I see Michelle drifting to the left and my heart rate is about 2 x normal. Alexis starts pointing to the shoulder to let Michelle know she is getting too close. Michelle did not get what Alexis was trying to relay by pointing. Michelle drifted to the edge of the shoulder and I started to get a little nervous. Michelle hit the rough edge of the shoulder and my whole body tensed in anticipation of the overcorrection and subsequent flipping of our rental car. Alexis Matt and I were all shouting clichés like “LOOK OUT!” and “WATCH IT!” and (me),“FOR GODS SAKE DO NOT OVERCORRECT!”
So after that Matt and Alexis are telling Michelle to drive farther to the right and closer to the middle, after all, there really are very few oncoming cars. Michelle asked what she should do when one of the big trucks comes the other way. Matt replied, “Clinch your butt and move over a little” which I found pretty hilarious. When we finally got back the resort and were piling out of the car Matt leaned over and, referring to the drive, told me “I have a butt cramp from clinching so much”.
After 6 hours of driving and a couple hours hiking we were beat. The girls went swimming. Matt went back to the room and I went on a quest to find the Lost Camel. I finally found this crappy bar located in the lobby of an adjacent hotel. It had 3 seats and no bartender. I slammed one bear and left. I found a café on the way back to the room and went in. The waiter was some dude from Spain. I explained I needed a beer in the worst way. Since there was no one there, he brought me 3 cold ones in quick succession. That did the trick and I was feeling pretty good after that.
I drifted back to the room and found Matt, the girls came in right behind me and we got cleaned up and went back to the Outback bar to wrap up the evening. They had a set of grills where you cook your own food. We purchased the Outback special consisting of skewers of crocodile, emu, kangaroo, bison and something else. Matt and I cooked and the ladies were nice enough to shuttle us some beers while we manned the grills. Turns out, there is an art to cooking crocodile, because Matt and I both blew these. But we ate and drank for an hour or two and called it a night. We were flying out the next day.
The next day we packed, returned the car and flew to Alice Springs for a 5 hour layover before flying to Darwin. We landed in Alice Springs and found there were no rental cars in the entire airport. We grabbed a cab and told the guy to put us in the center of town. We got out and walked toward ANZAC hill, the most visited landmark in Alice Springs. We climbed to the top and checked out the view on a hot, windy day. I remember talking to Alexis and saying that there was no salary big enough to get me to relocate to this town of 27,000 in the middle of freaking nowhere. We did see the local joke, Todd River. A riverbed that looked like it had never seen a drop of water. After the hill, we went to find Bojangle’s Bar in town. This was probably the coolest bar we found during out trip. There were guns on the wall, stuffed crocodiles, a great outdoor area, a skeleton riding a motorcycle in a class case and a casket holding an armor replica of Nedd Kelly, Australia’s answer to Jesse James. It had character coming out of its ass. We had many jugs (pitchers) of beer and all got pretty loose. I asked the bartender if it would be cool to buy some aboriginals a round of beer to fulfill an earlier promise to myself. She said I could, but then they would probably go home, beat their wives, forget to feed their kids and lose interest in working. That pretty much took the fun out of that idea. And it was the last time I seriously considered trying to buy a beer for an aboriginal. After a few more rounds for us, we were good and lubed up, and we hit the town to do some shopping and more drinking.
Matt had expressed interest in seeing the old telegraph station while we were in Alice Springs. Apparently, when the telegraph station went up in 1872, it connected the major cities in Australia to England. The Overland Telegraph line is heralded as one of the great engineering feats of the 19th century. It took communication from ship to instantaneous. We had a little time to get to the airport and Matt said we should bail on the telegraph office due to time constraints. But we were all pretty buzzed from all the jugs o’ beer and decided we needed to make this happen. So we hailed a cab and ran up to the telegraph station. We had about a ten minute window so we ran from building to building, hopped back into the cab and went to the airport to fly to Darwin. I would bet we hold the record for shortest visit to the telegraph station in 2011.
Our hotel in Darwin was right on the water. When we got there, I wanted to go swimming. I asked the lady if it was OK to go swimming around there at night. She looked at me like I was insane and said, “No one swims here because of the crocs and stingers.” Turns out the stingers are venomous box jellyfish. Good thing I got the warning. Later in the trip our fishing guide pointed out some pretty large croc slides. Probably not the best place to swim.
In the morning we rented a car and took off for Katherine via Litchfield National park. We stopped in Bachelor and bought a Styrofoam cooler and a case of beer ($45 per case of beer down under). In Litchfield, we saw thousands and thousands of the magnetic termite mounds. They were everywhere. The magnetic ones are thin and flat and point north/south. There were a few cathedral mounds. They can get as high as 30 feet. After the mounds we found Florence Falls and I fell in love with the coolest swimming hole ever. It was a short walk down a flight of about 100 stairs. The falls were split into 2 separate falls. The water was cool and clear. We swam for a couple of hours and drank beer. There were maybe 10-15 other people at most. If this place was within 100 miles of Austin, there would have been 1500 people there.
We packed up and went to another place inside the park called Wangi Falls. It was another incredible swimming hole. The water dropped right into the plunge pool, but some of the water trickled into a crevice that formed a hot tub shaped tiny pool about 15 feet up the cliff. There was another one higher up, but even after 8-10 beers I could not muster the courage to climb higher on the slick surface.
There was yet another falls, but we had to get going to try and avoid driving at night (turns out we did not accomplish this).
We got to the Rum Runner pub in Bachelor only to find they would not turn on their grill until 6 PM. We spent the hour talking up the locals and playing pool. There was a cool altercation between a very angry aboriginal and a local guy who looked like he could not give a damn. The bartender lady tossed the aboriginal. I spent some time talking to a dude and his cute girlfriend who had the harshest voice I had ever heard not coming from a 60 year old chronic smoker. Michelle and Alexis spent their time talking up some local chick who talked non-stop for an hour. I guess she did not get too much opportunity to talk to anyone from the outside.
After dinner, we took off for Katherine. We killed a wallaby before we ever got to the main highway. We were reminded why the rental car company did not want us to drive at night. There are so many cane toads up there it is like the plague. Matt must of run over 100s of these things. They are everywhere. They are not native to Australia, but it looks like they are doing pretty well and should take over everything pretty soon. Our destination at Katherine was the All Seasons hotel, not to be confused even remotely with the Four Seasons. But out in the middle of the outback, it was as good as it gets.
Our main activity for the day was a river cruise in the Kathering Gorge. While we were waiting, I went down the the water. Something resembling a black plastic bag in the trees caught my attention. I was trying to figure what the hell it was when I realized it was a colony of enormous bats. They were like 18” long. These bats were nothing at all like the ones the size of mice here in Texas. These lived up to their names of “flying foxes’.
Our river cruise consisted of taking a boat up about a mile, getting out, walking a few hundred yards, getting into another boat for a mile, walking a few hundred yards and then getting into a 3rd boat and going a little further. Once again, it was a fantastic area for swimming which we got to do at two different points. But that is not what I remembered the most.
Here is what I remember. After the first boat ride and several hundred yard walk, every single person was in the second boat ready to go, but we did not leave. After about 15 minutes, I started getting a little bitter. After a few more minutes, I was damn well pissed. Just when I was about to lose it, some dude in dolphin shorts rounded the corner with his baby, wife and 2 giant cameras. I was thinking, “We were waiting 20 minutes for this dickhead?” I mean, WTF? He did not realize the entire time we are all waiting for him? What a jackass. So we take the second boat to the second walk and we all load up the third boat. But we do not go anywhere. I am looking around and do not see Mr. Jackass anywhere. I started grumbling to Michelle, “I cannot believe we are waiting on the same guy again”. But once again, the entire group is sitting in a hot aluminum boat waiting on Mr. Oblivious. So at this point, I consider this guy my mortal enemy. I had visions of tossing the guy over the side. After the boat started moving, every single person was in their seat…except my buddy with the two cameras who was standing up taking pictures of his kid. This guy must have taken more pictures of his wife and kid than the whole tour took of Katherine Gorge combined. The guy was constantly on his feet blocking my view. At one point I turned my head and this guy’s ass, hanging out of his dolphin shorts was about 3 inches from my face. I would have lost it, but Michelle was sitting there giggling and goading me whispering in my ear what a jackass this guy was. The entire group was boarded for the final boat ride back to the dock except, you-know-who. Mr. Considerate had his wife strip down hid kid and hold him up so was could all see him take a #2 on the rocks before the decided to get on board with the rest of us WHO HAD BEEN ON BOARD FOR 10 MINUTES!
After we got off the boat, we found the local golf club and got lunch. This was one of the first clubs we went to but not the last. It was a private club and, therefore, open to members only. But as a guest, you can sign up for a free 1 day pass. I am still not sure why this is, but I assume it has to do with either selling alcohol or betting requiring a closed membership system. We sat down to order and I looked over and some guy has an enormous T-bone smothered in gravy. It was the biggest lunch steak I have seen in a long time. It looked awesome…so I got that. It looked a whole lot better than it was. But it was still a pretty good, hearty lunch.
After lunch, we got another case o’ beer for our cooler and took off for Kakadu. Alexis drove this stretch which was to be about 3 hours. Matt, Michelle and I killed time by trying to kill the case of beer. We stopped to pee and I made the mistake of trying to reposition the Styrofoam cooler full of ice and beer. The damn thing exploded into 20 pieces dumping a crapload of ice, and water into my seat. We tried to save the ice and load Michelle’s plastic purse, but the damage was done as far as my seat was concerned, it was soaked and freezing cold.
After quite a few beers and loading my area around my feet with empties, we got pulled over by the only cop within 200 miles. I was trying to ‘hide’ my empties with my hat and stuffing them into the back of the seat in front of me. I looked over expecting Matt to be doing the same thing, but he was relaxed and SIPPING ON HIS BEER! Apparently drinking in the backseat is not illegal there.
The cop came up to the window and asked, “Do you know what the speed limit is?” and I was thinking, “You know? I really have no idea since we have not seen a speed limit sign in 2 hours.”. Alexis said she did not know and the guy puffs up ready for an argument and says something to the effect of, “In the Northern Territories, outside a city limit, on a 2 lane road, where the limit is not posted, and when it is not raining, or dark and there are no emergency vehicles, the limit is 110 KPH”. To which Alexis replied, “Ok, I do not doubt that. Sorry, I did not know”. The quick admission by Alexis took all the air out of his balloon. I think he was prepared for an argument and got nothing. So he went way and wrote her up for 5 over instead of the 20 over we were actually going.
We got to the Kakadu Crocodile Inn as the sun was going down. The hotel, as the name implies is actually shaped like a giant crocodile. We got our laundry started and headed for the hotel restaurant/bar. We drank a few beers and watched some cricket on TV. Matt explained the game and finally, after 30+ years of trying to make sense of cricket, it finally sank in and was enjoyable to watch. Dinner was actually really good. I had fish and chips and Michelle had some type of crocodile infused pasta. Hers looked better, so I got that the next night.
In the morning, we took off for our tour via 4 wheel drive and an aboriginal tour guide. We traveled down old dirt, corrugated roads to a few more fantastic swimming holes. We visited a place featured in the movie Crocodile Dundee (where Dundee spears the fish). Our guide was pretty damn cool, but very quiet. He pointed out some edible stuff along the trails for us to try. The packed lunch was fantastic after a long climb up a cliff to one of the swimming holes. At one point the guide spotted a nest of weaver ants. They have a very distinctive green butt. He said they are edible and cure headaches. He also said they tasted like lime. “Here, lick one”. I thought he was joking. I could see Michelle was in but did not want to lick a stranger’s finger in the process. I grabbed and ant, positioned it just so and licked it’s behind and BANG! It was like a jolt you get when touching a 9 volt battery to your tongue and it tasted like electric lime. I exclaimed “Wow!” about the same time as Matt exclaimed “Wow!” Then the girls took a turn and we all agreed that licking an ant’s butt was a lot better than it sounds.
On the drive back the guide slammed on his breaks and said “There’s one.” I had no idea what he was talking about. As we walked up to the tree this ‘thing’ was on, I still had no idea what we were looking for. When we got right on it, I saw it. It was a frill-necked lizard. Our guide went around to the other side of the tree as the lizard was concentrating on us. Then he lunged blind (the lizard was on the side of the tree he could not possibly see) and grabbed it. So we had a chance to see this thing up close. Consequently, the second one we saw was 2 days later, we only recognized what it was a split second before our cabbie ran over it.
Before our guide dropped us off, we asked if there was a better pub than the hotel bar. He said there was a club (another you need a day pass to get into) just down the block. So after a shower and change of clothes I went over and started pounding beers. Just about the time I was done, Michelle walked in, so I sat back down and drank some more. We got up to leave and ran into Alexis and Matt who had just walked in, so we stayed up and closed down the place. Our hotel was still the best bet for dinner so we ate another great meal there and called it a night.
We took our time getting up the next day and drove back to Darwin. We had some body damage to the rental from our run in with the wallaby so we took the car to get an estimate. It was over $2000, but Alexis wanted to make sure the rental company didn’t overcharge us. That is something I would have never even considered to do, but in hindsight, it was pretty smart to make sure we did not get taken. We checked back into the same hotel, had some lunch at a cool pub and then took a swim in the hotel pool. Later on, Michelle and I took off to see the town about 5 blocks away. Alexis and Matt did the same thing, but we did not see them. Darwin downtown is cool. There were tons of bars and places to eat. Michelle and I took it easy as we had chartered a fishing trip for the next day.
The next day we got up, had breakfast and went to the dock to meet our boat and Captain. Carl was pretty typical of just about everyone we met in Australia; he was just a great guy and fun to hang out with. His boat was a pretty cool boat for fishing. It had lots of room for all of us. He let us decide if we wanted to start the day by crabbing for mud crabs. I had read a little on line and was all for this. I knew the barramundi fishing was going to be a little slow. So Carl took his boat deep into the crocodile infested mangroves and pointed out the traps. We all took turns pulling them up and scored 6 or 7, but only kept 4 of the bigger males. We spent the rest of the day trying for barramundi. Again, it was the very end of the season and we did not have too much hope. But it was cool to be out on a private boat checking out the Darwin Bay. Just when I had given up all hope, a big swirl came up from the deep and flashed at my lure. It did not bite, but gave me a boost of confidence. About 10 casts later I got a pretty big strike. But I could not keep the fish on the line. I could read Carl’s face and knew I blew it. He told us earlier to not give the fish even a split second of slack or he would throw the lure. I was not prepared and lost him. I had a great time on the water; I just wish one of us would have landed a barramundi. On the way back, Carl let Michelle drive the boat, she looked pretty happy about that.
We went to the room, showered and headed for Tim’s. Carl told us Tim’s would cook up our crabs for a fee. Turns out Tim had never heard of Carl, but was happy to oblige us anyway. So we all had beers on the boat. We all had a bunch more waiting for the crabs to be cooked and we were all starved and feeling good when the crabs came out. The crabs were awesome. They were done in some type of butter sauce and just delicious. After lunch we walked to the center of town and beered it up some more. It all gets a little fuzzy for me here as I was over my limit. We had a few pitchers at one place. We went shopping. At one point the girls showed up in matching shirts that said “My next husband will be normal”. Not to be outdone. Matt bought us the loudest silk Hawaiian shirts on the planet. After more beers and more snacks, I was done. We dragged ourselves back to the hotel and called it a night. I should have had more water, as I was hung over the next day.
