So I have now completed my third week "in the field," that is to say, the wilderness of Utah and Nevada. This week the terrain was the epitome of what I think of desert: cactus, Joshua trees, red rocks, red dirt, tumbleweed, sage plants, little shade, high winds, hot days and cold nights. Currently I have legs covered with tiny red dots from being in intimate relationships with cactus needles. At least I'm clean, in clean clothes and in a room with a regulated temperature. It's the little things in life...
That actually leads me to much of what I've been thinking about this week. Last night was perfect in my mind. I was laying in a sleeping bag, and it was cold enough to be glad for the warmth of the down, yet warm enough to keep my face in the open air. I laid there looking up at the starry sky, which in the middle of nowhere is quite amazing. I felt so thankful. How did I get to this place sleeping outside, falling asleep to shooting stars? I don't know, but I'm grateful for how the Universe has guided me.
I spent the past week with adolescent boys, a segment of the population I don't have much experience with. I'm sure now I have collected a greater quanity of time than I had during my high school career, and let me tell you they're weird. Weird, sweet, heart-warming, forgiving, impulsive, neurotic and hopelessly loveable. I find in them the characteristics that I've loved and struggled with in all the male relationships I've had, friends, neighbors, boyfriends, relatives. "Who does he remind me of?-- oh yes, the way he holds his mouth is like... and the his eyelashes are so long and beautiful like..."
I'm surprised over and over because of the stereotypes I still hold about the male species. They're vulnerable in ways I didn't know boys were. "Really? I say to myself after hearing one of them express a vulnerability about thinking he'll never find someone to love longterm. And the ones who try to play the bad ass role who after a couple weeks talk and talk and talk about their feelings and desire for connection and companionship. Guys who have spent their entire 15 years stuffing down their emotions because their families are authoritarian or or needy or not around. Some don't share because they don't think their feelings are worth noticing. They sort of seem... like girls. It surprises me. Vulnerable, starving for attention and boundaries and tenderness and acceptance... boys.
And then there's the very boyish nature that seems so alien to me. The pecking orders, the physicality, their sense of humor, the need to be strong, dominant, in control... their farting. I've never heard so much in an 8-day period. No apologies, or excuse me, just noises and smells, over and over. Even sometimes though they'd make fun of each other if it smelled bad enough or covered a large enough area. Everyone aparently has standards.
I am learning alot about being real and respectful about expecting others to be real and direct. It's an on-going effort and I'm enjoying it.
