Mission Italy

My Orvieto task of the day was to find a hat. This was in fact a life-long quest as my head is so mammoth, its circumference so beyond the norm, that I have found no man with a comparable cranium. Men I have challenged don my hat and swim in it like a pregnant bride's veil. If I have one that fits. The only hat I have ever owned spacious enough had Rock Out With Your Cock Out emblazoned on it, and I cringe at its memory.
When I was a child my uncle Geoff came back from the states with a Christmas present, a one-size-fits-all OshKosh B'Gosh denim hat. You can imagine the shame when I put it on and heard the whole room draw breath.
What's the opposite of you'll grow into it?
In an outdoor equipment store on Via del Duomo I said buongiorno to the three old boys behind their respective counters (clothing, knives and shoes). I pawed through the hat selection. The majority on offer were unsuitable due to price, ugliness and colour. I had to be mindful that big-headed beggars cannot be choosers.
'Signor, why don't you try this?' The old gentleman plonked a particularly vile Milwaukee Bucks cap on my sweaty head. Milwaukee? I had never heard of the team and the moss green was awful, but I needed something to shield me from the sun. I touched the brim self-consciously and turned from side to side, like a young debutant. 'Here,' he pointed to a mirror. 'It's okay, I think it suits you.' It sat on my head like a pebble. I've seen bigger yarmulkes on children.
'Er, maybe not.' I wondered why I did this to myself.
'Okay, va bene, va bene, try this one.' I dodged the faux-military cap that zipped down to a purple visor, ready for all night raving at one of Berlusconi's Bunga-Bunga parties.
'No, no, do you have any black ones?'
'Black sons?'
'No, I mean plain black hats?' He took down a Callaway golf hat and perched it on my scalp, tugged the brim over my eyes and removed it again to adjust the back. Enough was enough. It was like the shame of family Christmas all over again.
'Pronto,' I said into my phone. I faked a call and gestured that I had to take it as I made a quick exit, the relief short lived as I felt the blazing sun on my burnt face.
At least my head was big enough to shade my body.